Good riddance? Absolutely not. If it weren't for Mr. Newt, the Republican majority never would have happened. The 104th Congress would have been just another pork factory instead of the greatest Congress in our political lifetimes.

But the general who gains the ground is rarely the best general to hold that ground, and although it had a larger majority than the great 104th, the 105th lost ground in terms the conservative--and even the Republican--agenda.

• The Republicans, even when they were in the minority, killed the Clinton Comprehensive Care Plan (CCCP), but many parts of it were passed in the 105th.

• The imaginary budget surplus is not only an accounting fantasy, it is irrelevant. A daffuhzit is the symptom, not the problem. The problem is too much government, which is exactly what we got from the 105th Congress.

• The (oink) highway (oink) bill and the recent Ominous (oink) Spending (oink) Bill are loaded with pork that would make Jimmy Dean blush and Tip O'Neill proud.

• The NEA, DOC, DOE, DOE, etc. still exist.

• The Republican tax cut is as much of a reality as the Clintons Administration's middle class tax cut.

• And the renaming of beautiful Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport is just not enough.

We must admit that we here in the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, wanted to see Speaker Newt step down, and we are looking forward to a new group of Conservatives running the House. We look forward to seeing the faces of the likes of Bob Livingston, J.C. Watts, Steve Largent, (Let's hear it for Oklahoma.) and Billy Tauzin in leadership roles. (Now more than ever, we miss Sonny Bono.) We have hope that old friends like Dick Armey can get back on track. We'd like to see our adopted Representative Van Hilleary, and maybe some of our other Tennessee Congressmen, near the king of the hill. If that happens, though, it's our sincere hope that we don't suddenly see more of our hard-earned tax dollars come back to the state in the form of more hard-earned pork.

There's so much potential, and if we blow it again this time, how many more chances do we expect?

So thank you, Speaker Newt, for what you have done for America. Despite the recent turmoil, you will be missed.

It's different these days. Today, the attacks from the communists are in the form of the NEA instead of the USSR. But as they say when they can't think of anything else to say, the more things change, the more government regulation we get (or something like that).

The latest example of emergency preparedness comes from our friends in Oregon. Duck and cover? No, but if this had been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed what to do to (get ready, folks) get the state lottery system back on line. Yes, that's their priority in an emergency.

You may not be able to get food. You may not be able to get medical help. You may not even be able to get an abortion, but as Gosh is their witness, you'll be able to spend that hard-earned welfare money on lottery tickets!

Ronald Reagan, The President, kicks one through the uprights.

Thanks to the intolerant conservative agenda of the religious far right, the American people have overwhelmingly rejected the GOP, now and forevermore. In the spirit of bipartisanship, especially now that the medialibs have declared that the Dems are the majority in Congress, we humbly present:

The same Harry Truman who moderately dropped two atomic bombs to end World War II said, "The fifty-cent piece slows down here."

The moderate Jesus Christ said, "Greater like hath no man than this, that a man lay down his health for his acquaintances."

He also said, "Thou shalt like thy neighbour almost as thyself, unless of course thou hast low self-esteem."

A moderate John Paul Jones said, "I have not yet begun to compromise."

George Washington, the father of moderation, is said to have said, "I might not, as a general rule, tell a legal inaccuracy."

The United States Constitution, a testament to moderation, says, "Congress really shouldn't ought to make a whole lot of laws respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..."

That ancient moderate Julius Caesar said, "I came. I saw. I tolerated."

A truly moderate hero, Neil Armstrong, said, "That's one medium step for a man, one medium step for mankind."

Everyone's favorite moderate, Ronald Reagan, said, "Go out there and tie one for the Gipper."

In another fit of moderation, The President was caught off the record saying, "The snowball-throwing begins in five minutes."

Baseball good Leo Durocher: "Nice guys finish four games below .500"

So as the do-nothing 105th Congress comes to a close and the do-something 106th takes over, let us remember the words of Winston Churchill, always a moderate, who said, "Seldom give in, seldom give in, seldom, seldom, seldom, seldom--in few things great or small, large or petty--seldom give in except to convictions of honor and good sense."

While we're filling up space, we here at Spiff would like to congratulate Mark "Big Moderate" McGwire, who made baseball history by hitting 70 doubles in one year.