Haven't we been here before? Of course we have. The only question in doubt at the end of the day will be how you react once again to yet another Bill Clinton moral dilemma.

Let's take a moment to remind you of how things work during these all-too-frequent White House crises.

Stage 1: "Deny, Deny, Deny." Out of the gate, the most important thing is always to point out over and over that you are the hapless victim of false accusations. Please note the use of the word "false" both this week in the current (a-hem) affair and six years ago during the Gennifer Flowers incident.

Stage 2: Stall for Time. "We are going to fully cooperate with this investigation, but we need time to gather the facts." Translation: We're currently in the process of cleaning up the records and destroying anything that makes us look bad. This is the tactic that allows Rose Law Firm billing records to show on a table up two years after they are requested and fundraiser videos to appear out of nowhere.

Stage 3: Counterattack - This is where the accuser becomes the accused. There is always a partisan angle to the people who would dare suggest wrongdoing by the man who promised the most ethical administration in history. On this point, the media shows its leanings by reporting the smut fed to them by the White House. You see it already in this case with CNN's Gene Randall using the word "unstable" as a description of Lewinsky coming from the administration.

Stage 4: Will. The worst part of the media rears its head in this stage when they began the process of willing the story away. Over the next few days you will hear the drum beat of "There is nothing new here," fill your television screens. One reporter has already stated his amazement that "the air has already gone out of this story." If they say it enough times, they hope you'll believe it.

Stage 5: You. This is the stage we here at Spiff want to discuss with you today. When we say "you" in this context, we mean not you our dear readers (for you are obviously more enlightened than most), but America as a whole. The America that for six years has been afflicted with the "Oh, that's just Bill" syndrome.

Gennifer Flowers came and went (and came back) and you said, "Oh, that's just Bill."

The draft came, went and was dodged and you said, "Oh, that's just Bill".

"I never inhaled" came and went and you said, "Oh, that's just Bill."

Zoe, Kimba, Lani, came and went and you said, "Oh, that's just Bill."

"Every chiiild a planned, wanted chiiild" came and went and you said, "Oh, that's just Bill."

Chinese money came and well, it stayed and you said, "Oh, that's just Bill."

What will you say now? Forget the sex and the tawdry headlines. At the core, just as it is at the core of almost everything else that is bad and wrong about this presidency, the real issue here is truth. He can't tell it. Not only can he not tell it himself, he expects others to lie for him. In this case, if it proves to be true, lying for him was illegal. We're talking crime here, folks. A crime.

Every stage we list has already taken place or is now. The only stage you have any power over is Stage 5. Will it be the same answer? "I don't care what he does in his private life as long as the government money keeps flowing." Or will you, at this point, finally stand up and say, "This far and no more"? Is this pit we have fallen into bottomless? Or has this man, in his gross disregard for women, this nation, and its reputation, finally show us where rock bottom lives.

Consider and choose wisely. History is watching.

Some of you may think we're living this week with huge smiles on our faces. Not even close.

Aside from the right to say, "We told you so," no good can come of this. Obviously, if it turns out that there was no sexual relationship, (You noticed, of course, the absence of the words "is" and "improper.") and the medialibs were just crying Blitzer, the Clintons administration's ratings will skyrocket, Starr's star will burn out, Bill will be immune from any criticism for the next three years, and the Republicans in Congress will continue to pass Democrat legislation.

If we find that all of this mess is true and the Clintons administration becomes history, it's equally bad news, or maybe worse, for America, namely, the Gore administration. Fornigate will be replaced by another scandal for which there is no controlling legal authority. Your income will become, well, theirs. And the Gore-Gephardt ticket will win in 2000 if the Republicans once again nominate someone because it's his turn.

And Sodom Hussein is really enjoying this.

So what have we learned today, Qwerty?

Well, if nothing else, we've learned a new word. Suborn. Use it daily in polite conversation. We're sure the networks will.

We've learned more than we wanted to know about Bill's Biblical interpretation of adultery.

Finally, we hope people have learned what we've been warning since 1992: If a man can't be faithful to his wife, how can we expect him to be faithful to his country?