Words to Live By
Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 5, No. 4

Elvis Clinton wants to turn Arlington into Disgraceland.

A Little Play
Note: The following script is not brought to you with a grant from the National Endowment for the Obscene Arts. Although it could have been.
Bill: Hi, Larry.
Larry: Good morning, sir.
Bill: Where'd you learn to salute like that?
Larry: In the merchant marine, sir.
Bill: Woo-wee! Military and capitalism? Don't let my wife hear that.
Larry: Maybe this will help, sir.
Bill: What's this?
Larry: It's a check, sir.
Bill: I know that, but what am I supposed to do with it?
Larry: Put it in your trunk for all I care.
Bill: Got any more of those?
Larry: Yes, sir!
Bill: No, not salutes, checks.
Larry: I know that, sir. I was saluting you, and yes, I have more checks.
Bill: Well knock off the saluting. Hillary might see.
Larry: Yes, sir, but there's a price.
Bill: You mean you want me to pay you not to salute?
Larry: No, sir, salutes are free. There's a price for the checks.
Bill: Hmmm. Want to be vice president?
Larry: I think you've already got one of those, sir.
Bill: Really?
Larry: Yes, sir. See that coat rack over there?
Bill: Oh, yeah. I keep forgetting. Besides, John Huang's next in line. What do you do, anyway?
Larry: Well, I have a hotel.
Bill: Great! How would you like to be in charge of the Lincoln bedroom?
Larry: I was thinking of something a little bigger.
Bill: How about my bedroom? Or Hillary's?
Larry: No.
Bill: Well, what do you want?
Larry: I want to be ambassador to some exotic country.
Bill: Sorry, Hillary's got all the good ones filled up.
Larry: How about China?
Bill: We're trying to keep a permanent vacancy there. How about Switzerland? You speak Swiss?
Larry: Yes, sir. I learned Swiss right before my ship got hit by the Nazis.
Bill: Hey, then. You deserve to be buried in Arlington, too!
Larry: Don't you have to be a war hero?
Bill: You are a war hero. I've got the check to prove it.
Larry: Don't you have to be dead to be buried in Arlington?
Craig: We can handle that, sir.
Bill: Shut up, Livingstone. Who invited you into this article? And who hired you in the first place, anyway?
Larry: All right, sir. I'll do it.
Bill: Hey, great. And Larry, bring me back a watch. Or maybe the Swiss Miss girl!
Unlike the Clintons
administration, The President, Ronald Reagan, knows the difference
between someone who earned the honor and someone who bought and paid for

Higher Taxes 1, Tiny Towns 0
The Tennessee Supremes did it again. They killed the Tiny Town law, which was passed to protect small communities from being absorbed by the gluttonous cities in Tennessee. The big city mayors did what we expect big city libs to do when the rest of the people disagree with them. They sued. The mayor of big-city-wannabe Pulaski said his group was "committed to fighting Public Chapter 98 any way we can..."

And what was the any way? They sued over an i that wasnt dotted, and they won, for now at least. We hope that the General Assembly will come back and dot the i at the first opportunity.

Our argument isn't with the Supremes this time, though. It's with the Tennessee Municipal League, one of the more minor of the famous Minor Leagues. This bunch apparently believes every Tennessee chiiild should be a plaaanned, aaannexed chiiild. It has never occurred to them that people who live in the country and in small communities, away from the big city, live there because they want to.

The T.M. League complained because the Tiny Town law restricted the otherwise-unrestricted growth of the cities, claiming that they can't survive within their own boundaries. Apparently what they really want is for the big cities to grow until Tennessee consists of Memphis, Knoxville, Budville, and Chattanooga. And maybe Pulaski.

Nanny Boo Boo
You may have been wondering why you never heard what we at Spiff thought about the British nanny case in Massachusetts. (And, by the way, are you as sick as we are of hearing her referred to as au p...well, you know?)

We've been busy trying to decide. Should we write about it or not?

So we finally came to a decision.

Another Scandal Buried
Another controversy is over. Whew! It turns out that the Clintons have not been selling plots in Arlington after all. Except one. But now Larry Lawrence's widow, on her own initiative (wink, wink), wants her husband's body removed from Arlington. That's the good news.

The American people were furious. It may be all right to rent out the Lincoln bedroom, but this goes over the line. Its true that the line is too far out, but at least there is a line. That's a start. That's good news, too.

The bad news is that were still stuck with a first family* that America believes is not above doing something like this. We don't believe they're above doing it either. They just hadn't thought of it yet.

And there's the other bad news. Now that Insight magazine has been discredited, Arlington National Cemetery could actually go to the highest bidder and no one will dare report it.

When the next incident of selling political favors comes to light, and when the Burton committee gets rolling, we hope two things happen. We hope the reporters will be more concerned with what really happened than with scooping the competition. We also hope they'll stop using cute terms like quid pro quo and au pair and call it what it is: bribery.

*When we write first family here, well exempt Chelsea. We don't know enough about her. Socks, on the other hand, is not to be trusted. (Socks on the other hand?)

A Little Housekeeping
Hey, you! Have you sent us a fax lately? Well, somebody has been sending one every issue recently, but it comes across as jumbled garbage. We do respond to all faxes and e-mails we get here at the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, so if you feel ignored, you might want to try a different fax machine, or e-mail us. The fax number and e-mail address, as always, are right here.

Quote of the weak:
"Few communities in this nation care as deeply about ethical and moral issues."
Owl Gore, on Hollywood
Quote of the strong:
"There's just two distinct groups that want to get rid of the IRS: men and women."
Rep. Billy Tauzin
Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, at 615-847-2259. You can e-mail us at