Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 4, No. 11 Clinton Gone '96 And now... The Donkey We here at the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, are always interested in fairness. Last time, we brought you our night-by-night analysis of the Republican National Convention. This week, (and you thought we could pass on this chance) we offer you our heartfelt and humble opinions of the libs in convention: Day 1: Dull. So dull in fact that the Washington Post (not a bastion of conservative thought. Actually not a bastion of thought, period) said it took Superman to save the night. The tears were a-flowin' with each new pitiful hardship case the libs wheeled out to the podium. Please note that the libs also went over on time for the night. Day 2: It was "we told you so" day at the convention. As you will recall, we at Spiff told you That President Clinton would stand before her humble servants and talk about the kiddies. How we should raise the kiddies, how we should teach the kiddies, how we should give the kiddies more time off from work when they get pregnant after a "safe sex" class at school, how we need to make sure that all the kiddies have insurance that covers their drug rehab, etc. So much for learning her lesson. You would think that after four years, President Clinton would understand that the people don't want an unelected unaccountable person setting the nation's policy. But nooooooo, the libs have actually bought into their own line that everyone is just afraid of a strong woman. BUZZZZZ, oh we're sorry, that is wrong. But, thanks for playing. People just don't want a spouse, be it man, woman or Martian bacteria, making the decisions (especially when they are bad). So long was the tribute to President Clinton, that it pushed the keynote speech of the convention by Gov. Evan (zzzz) Bayh almost completely out of prime time. Let's point out here, yet again, the ego that dictates that an unelected spouse takes priority over a sitting governor and the convention keynote speaker. Please note that the libs went over on time for the night. Day 3: It was Owl Gore's night to shine. And shine he did. The hypocrisy glowing from the podium was blinding. Yes, he lied again when he misquoted Speaker Newt had announced that Medicare would "wither on the vine." You've heard the quote and you know that Speaker Newt was not even talking about Medicare. That was a lie. You heard Owl talking about smoking and the death of his sister. Did you hear Owl say anything about the thousands of dollars he has accepted from the tobacco companies? Did you hear him tell farmers in North Carolina that he is one of them? (Apparently this means he was raising tobacco at his private school in Washington.) Say what you want about Owl, he has certainly perfected his crafts of pandering and lying at the foot of his master. Then it was on to the roll call of the states. And at this point, for the first time in memory, we may have seen some use in a Clinton big government program. The first 5 states were called in this order: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas and Tennessee. If this is how well the libs can spell, we made need another $2 billion in wasteful Department of Education spending. Once the votes were in, and the nomination secured, they celebrated with a song. The song they chose was from the play, Jekyll & Hyde. We will let you, the informed reader, draw your own conclusions from that one. Oh, and the libs went over on time for the night. Day 4: The big one. The night Bill came before the adoring 40% National Education Association members masses to claim his prize. But first, the warm up acts (including every surviving member of the Kennedy family) took the stage. Senator Kennedy, minus his usual red facial blotches (makeup?) was, well he was Ted Kennedy, which was pretty bad. But Bill was the star. What more can we say about this guy that you haven't heard before. There never has been and never will be an American politician quite as shameless as this guy. Take for example his grab for credit on the line-item veto. For decades, he and his party fought it. Now he takes credit after Speaker Newt got it passed (does this make Bill an extremist?). We won't quibble on all of Bill's shortcomings here. You need some of your fax paper for other things. But on the whole, we had a ball. It was a four day infomercial for voting for Dole and Kemp. Missed Again As everyone expected, President Clinton called upon Bill to call upon our military forces to send missiles to Iraq. Why? To demonstrate his manhood to someone other than Paula Jones, and because Sodom Hussein is attacking the Kurds in the north part of Iraq. That's why U.S. missiles hit the targets in the south part of Iraq. Makes sense, right? No? Well, that's because you're no President Clinton. Remember, these are the people who: ù when we discovered that drug use is on the rise in America, launched an all-out attack on tobacco ù when he announced that the era of big government is over, proposed 6,745 new big government programs to make it smaller ù when we discovered that Dick Morris (better-known to the Dems as Dick Who) hired a prostitute to listen to Bill's conversations, launched a missile attack on Iraq And this from the candidates promising you targeted tax cuts. In Their Own Words We don't need to tell you how dumb the Chicago Libs are when they can do it for us. "I hope that the delegates will go home to the 56 states and tell everyone what a great time they had here." Janet Green, Convention Deputy CEO "It is important to vote for Democrats because they will implement programs that will benefit Democrats." Parvinda Kang, Like, a California Delegate, y'know. "Will her speech be compared to Elizabeth Dole's scripted schmooze-fest?" Bryant Gumball on President Clinton's speech. "I would do it [raise taxes] again and so will Bill Clinton!" Dick Gephart, House Minority Leader "I think she's influence a generation of young women to say, 'I want to grow up to be like Hillary Clinton.'" Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee "I think a lot of reporters in fact come from working-class, activist backgrounds, but I don't think that it really colors the way that they report things, and the conservatives generally stand for the status quo and news is about change." Tom Brokaw "Let us do our part to restore civility to America's political discourse." Sen. Christopher Dodd Followed by: "This two headed monster of Dole and Gingrich has been launching and all-out assault on decades of progress on behalf of working men and women." Owl Gore "I don't know whether Dick Morris is apolitical, but he's sure amoral." Jesse Jackson, before the Morris story broke. "I don't see it making much of a difference." Jesse Jackson, after the Morris story broke. Quote of the weak: "I am sorry to say I have received only $27 million." Yassir Arafat, who obviously didn't know the minimum wage was raised. Quote of the strong: "Elizabeth Dole is everything that Hillary Clinton wants to be." G. Gordon Liddy Words to Live By is published from time to time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, at 615-847-2259, or you can send us e-mail at spiff@nashville.com, or find our web page at www.nashville.com/~spiff/spiff.htm