Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 4, No. 8 He Sure Ain't Sam Houston After months of searching and hoping, we at the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, are pleased to welcome West Tennessee lawyer Houston Gordon to the race against Senator Fred Thompson. (We need the material.) Mr. Gordon, besides his credentials as a lawyer, has already managed to bring some stuff to the table for fun and comment. First came this quote: "Good government provides opportunities." Oh, yes. We here at Spiff are going to have a ball with quotes like that over the next few months. Granted, we knew Daffuhzit Jim. Daffuhzit Jim was no friend of ours, and Mr. Gordon is no Daffuhzit Jim. But with a candidate who believes it's the government's job to give you opportunities, we'll manage. The second revelation Mr. Gordon has brought is a new definition of The Rich. You remember The Rich, don't you? They are all those horrible people making more than $36,000. Well, after Mr. Gordon's appearance on a local radio talk show, we now know the real indicator. After a caller on a car phone disagreed with Mr. Gordon's notions on more taxes for more programs, did Mr. Gordon respond to his concerns? You have to ask? No, Mr. Gordon immediately pointed out that the caller was using a car phone and, therefore, must be The Rich. It's going to be a fun summer. Random Thoughts Schott in the foot Marge Schott is an idiot. Marge Schott says stupid things. The last time we checked, Marge Schott was allowed, by the rights protected in the Constitution, to say stupid things. If we take away a person's right to run his business because he says stupid things, let's give Hollywood a good cleaning. How about the evening network news anchormen? Pick one. They all say stupid things. And, of course, there's the White House. If it is a crime punishable by losing your job to say stupid things, then hitch up the ol' U-Haul and get the Clintons back to Arkansas! It's scary to think a group that hasn't been able to find a commissioner for most of the 90s views itself as morally superior to the Constitution. Think about it. Who do you trust more? George Washington or Ted Turner? You Got Some 'Splainin' to Do Just for those of you who aren't aware, Federico Pena, our esteemed Secretary of Transportation, who said after the Valu Jet crash that the airline was completely safe, then grounded it (a reversal by the Clinton Administration? Who'da thunk it?), was one of those people picked by President Clinton and Bill because he looked like America. As has so often been the case with this crowd, they tapped him because he is of a certain fill-in-the-blank-American ethnicity rather than looking at his record. Mr. Pena is the proud papa of the one-year-late-and-way-over-budget-and-eats-your-luggage-Denver airport. What you may not know is that Mr. Pena was the mayor of the fair city of Denver when the worst snowstorm in years (and if it's bad in Denver, it's bad) struck the city. Unprepared for the storm, the city was paralyzed. Where was Mr. Pena? Why, in Mexico! Did he come back to save his city? Why, of course not! Mr. Pena certainly looks like America_if America is incompetent. Good Morning, Reader... Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to infiltrate the White House and retrieve the 309 or 430 FBI files of officials of two Republican administrations: those of President Bush and The President, Ronald Reagan. We will not mislead you, reader. This will be a very dangerous assignment, fraught with obstacles along the way. If you make it past the stone walls laid down by Tom Daschle and Dick Gephardt, you will have to cross the now-closed section of Pennsylvania Avenue. Once inside, you must evade the likes of Maggie Williams and Susan Thomases. Bear in mind, reader, that these are professionals at the removal and transportation of files from one office to another, so the files may not be where your map indicates. As in the Foster affair, they may move the files and then forget where they left them for up to two years before the files will mysteriously reappear with President Clinton's fingerprints on them. National security demands that we not wait that long. The information is too important to leave in these dangerous hands. Of course, the greatest threat you face will be getting past President Clinton_and maybe Bill. Your dossier on President Clinton shows her to be cunning and quick. And people tend to underestimate her ability to deceive when she's wearing that little, pink outfit, as in her Whitewater press conference (not to be confused with her Whitewater testimony). Congressional hearings will not save us. Only you can break through the defenses of the Clinton liar_er, lair. Sorry, those two words just naturally go together. Anyway, only you can break through the defenses of the Clinton lair and secure these critical documents. As always, Spiff will disavow any knowledge of your involvement should you get caught. That's another trick we learned from the Clintons. Good luck, reader. This WTLB will self-destruct in five seconds. Quote of the weak: "I believe the White House has been very forthcoming on this. They've released a third of what they've been asked to release." Richard Gephardt Quote of the strong: "If Hillary can really contact the dead, maybe she can get in touch with her National Health Plan." Johnny Robish Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, at 615-847-2259, or you can send us e-mail at spiff@nashville.com, or find our web page at www.nashville.com/~spiff/spiff.htm