Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 4, No. 7 We misunderstood. He said, "The era of big government is over-due." The Stealth Return of the CCCP Yes, that's right, the Clinton Comprehensive Care Plan (CCCP), President Clinton's once-unsuccessful attempt to socialize medicine in America, is alive and well and living in Congress. It already passed the Senate once 100-0. It's enough to make you sick. They're not calling it the CCCP, of course. That's why it's stealth. How did we here at the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, discover such a well hidden assault on medical care? Well, we wanted to keep our method a secret, but some things are just too important to keep to ourselves. Here's the trick: Any time you see the names Kennedy and Kassebaum attached to a piece of legislation, it should have been killed before it got out of committee. No, the KKKP isn't exactly the CCCP. Not the whole thing, any way. Like most government programs, it's merely a foot in the door--a great big omnipresent foot attached to a great big omnivorous bureaucratic monster, waiting for the American people to let him in and offer him some candy. The KKKP restricts itself (for now) to the insurance side of the health scare crisis. (You remember crises, don't you?) It makes insurance portable, which, like too many government programs, sounds pretty. It eliminates preexisting conditions. If you remember from the last episode of this horror flick, eliminating preexisting conditions does not mean that your arthritis is suddenly cured. It means that if there's something wrong with you, the insurance company can't turn you down. That, too, sounds pretty. Very compassionate, don't you think? It's almost like you walking up to an insurance salesman and saying, "I'll give you $100 a week. You give me $5,000 a month." In fact, that's exactly what it is. The really dumb thing (as though we really could narrow it down to one) is that there are no premium price controls. If an insurance company determines that you're going to cost them $6,000 a month, they can charge you $8,000 a month in premiums. Well, sure. It's good that the government isn't going to set rates for insurance companies, but the problem is that it's only temporary. Once someone points out that sick people are paying more for medical insurance than well people, (Strange concept, don't you think!) the bureaucrats will go back and change the law to make everyone pay the same premium. Sure, you'll end up paying 500% more, but it will be fair. The latest bill also provides for MSAs: medical savings accounts. They're like IRAs because the money you put into them is tax-deferred, and you can take money out only for their intended purpose. That, too, sounds nice, even to us. The problem is that MSAs create another tax deduction, which is a good thing now, but it makes it that much harder for us to ever get a flat tax. It was the Congresslibs' fear of MSAs that kept the KKKP from becoming Senator Dole's final victory. We'll thank them later. What's the best way to make insurance portable--so when you change jobs you don't change or lose insurance? This one's a toughie! Yes, that's right, keep the employer out of it. Even Senator Fred Thompson once advocated this in his 1994 campaign. It's a strange concept, to be sure. Individuals buying their own health insurance! What's next? Individuals buying their own car insurance? Life insurance? Homeowners' insurance? Unthinkable! If You Don't Eat, You'll Live Forever Hail the protectors! The Center for Science in the Center for Science in the Public Interest's Interest has released a new report. You already knew that, though, because you've been anxiously awaiting it for months. What? You weren't waiting for the report? You must be on Kevorkian's waiting list! Is your head in the ground? Do you not even know how important The Center for Science in the Center for Science in the Public Interest's Interest is? They do. The Center for Science in the Center for Science in the Public Interest's Interest ("morons" for short) is the self-anointed group of culinary vigilantes with the goal of eliminating from your diet everything you like: Mexican food, Italian food, and now doughnuts. The morons actually got someone to pay attention to them in 1994 when they distributed a press release telling us that popcorn will kill you. We thought at the time that it was a joke, and it was. The silliness started when the medialibs actually gave the morons some air time. In their never-ending quest to exaggerate--well, let's be real--lie in order to fulfill their agenda (20 million homeless, 10% homosexuals, etc.), the medialibs used the Hitleresque technique of repeating a lie until it becomes accepted as truth. In less than a month, we couldn't find a movie theater anywhere that popped corn with real cocoanut oil. Since then, the morons have kept continued to heighten our awareness of, well, of themselves, by printing press releases and staging news (for lack of a better term) conferences at regular intervals. Have you noticed what the intervals are? Yes, every time the medialibs start paying attention to President Clinton and Bill's antics, the morons slander another food group. Suddenly, we forget all about the Clintons. (How nice that would be!) Travelgate? Popcorn will kill you. Vince Foster? Chinese food will raise your blood pressure so much you'll explode. Whitewater indictments? Milk is murder. Whitewater convictions? Doughnuts. They were all prepared to tell us chocolate chip cookies cause blindness when news of the Iraq arms deal broke, but the medialibs ignored that one on their own. During the next few months, if the medialibs slip up and actually tell us what the Clintons are doing, be prepared to see the morons attack even more innocent foods: ú Double-crust pizza causes brain swelling and wrinkled shirts. ú Ballpark peanuts will make your favorite team commit a two-base error. ú Birthday cake causes old age. ú Chili con queso causes all the traffic lights to turn red on your way home. ú Cotton candy is stealing your baggage at the airport. It's a Free Country In case you missed it, America reached a major milestone last month. Yes, that's right. The Freemen have officially outlasted Waco Wackos. The question that's been on everybody's mind, of course, is, "What should we do with the Freemen?" Should we have the FBI send in a fire-breathing tank? Should we send in Charles Schumer to arrest them for possessing guns? No, we couldn't do that. There are innocent children in there. Should we send Bo Gritz back in so the network reporters can finally decide which way they're going to pronounce his name? If you ask Janet Reno (and we're certain that you won't), she'll tell you that she wanted to torch the place a long time ago--back in April, perhaps. But this is an election year, and we can't have one of President Clinton's best friends embarrassing Bill this close to November. Should we leave them alone, since they haven't really hurt anybody? Yeah, right. Sure, they've only bounced a few thousand dollars worth of checks, and besides, that's an economic crime, so it doesn't really count, but they do have guns. No, what we should do is give them what they say they want--to be left alone by the government. As long as they stay in their little campground. It's really not that difficult. The government can buy the land from whomever the Freeloadermen are supposed to be paying, build a wall around it, and post a few guards for what must surely be less than what it's costing us now to have FBI, ATF, USDA, etc. agents on constant watch. As long as they stay put, the government will leave them alone. If they try to step outside the wall, they get shot. It's a novel concept based upon the equally novel concept of what they used to call a "prison." A prison, dear grandchildren, is where they used to put bad guys. Now, of course, they put them in a correctional facility where they get four free meals a day, free cable--no, wait, satellite--television, health clubs with a large selection of weight training facilities, and free access to every law book and porno magazine (and sometimes we can't tell the difference) ever published. The Freemen, on the other hand, would have to ration whatever food the have stockpiled for the next 20 years. Their electricity has already been cut off. Their satellite dishes could be jammed. There would be no mail service. No phone. No lights. No motorcar. Not a single luxury. There's a song in there somewhere. We probably wouldn't even have to worry about the ACLU whining about the living conditions. After all, the Freemen own guns, so the ACLU wouldn't be interested. Even if some whiney liberal judge stepped in and cried about cruel and unusual punishment (and don't worry, Nixon's jurisdiction doesn't extend to Montana), it wouldn't matter, because the government, including the courts, doesn't apply to the Freemen. Quote of the weak: "They say one thing and do another." Bill Clinton, speaking about Russian Communists Quote of the strong: "Be a Dole man!" Soul Man Sam Moore Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. 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