Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 4, No. 6 If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Game Time We have quietly watched and listened as the Republican party went about its business of choosing a nominee without getting too involved in the process. As you will recall, we did most of our involving last year. Now the selection process is all but over, and we know that Bob Dole will carry the Republican banner into the fall elections against President Clinton and Bill. As we head toward the summer months, when the campaign will really begin, we hear the voices of those who don't think we picked the right guy growing louder, both here and around the country. Some of us are just bitter that certain exclamation-pointed candidates did not win the primary and take to the airwaves on a routine basis to air our bitterness while others just think Bob Dole is not the right guy. Well, guess what. Nobody here at Spiff voted for Bob Dole in the primary, but we darn sure are going to get out to vote for Bob Dole and work to see that Bob Dole gets elected in November. To those like William Bennett (and we mention him here very sadly) and Bill Kristol, who feel the need to complain about the choice we made, we have one small suggestion. Get in the game or sit down and shut up. If Mr. Bennett does not think Bob Dole was the right choice, he should have taken the advice of many who were urging him to run. He didn't, and if he thinks Bob Dole is a flawed nominee, he has no one to blame but himself. The simple message here, dear readers, is we promote ourselves as the party of ideas. Ideas transcend one candidate or even one president. If they are good ideas, they'll hang around long enough to take hold (Remember the line item veto?). If you are not thrilled with Bob Dole, you are not alone. But before you decide to sit this one out because you are not excited by the nominee, just remember, you are supposed to be supporting a cause, not just one man. We here at Spiff will be out there fighting the good fight. It will be an easier fight if Bob Dole makes a bold move with his choice for Vice President by selecting someone like John Kasich or J.C. Wats. But no matter who Bob Dole selects (within reason) we will do our part. It is up to you to do your part as well. A Few of Our Favorite Things For no apparent reason that you know, we've decided to print a list. It's not a top 10 list. It's not a shopping list. It's certainly not a social list. It's just a list of some of the things we like.  Favorite television maid: Alice  Favorite rock star Alice Cooper  Favorite television show involving a diner: Alice  Favorite 18-minute song: Alice's Restaurant Massacree  Favorite book: Alice's Adventures in Wonderland  Favorite Disney movie based on our favorite book: Alice in Wonderland  Favorite vacation spot: Alice Springs, Australia And why, you will surely ask, do we like these things? Because they're all good. They Just Don't Carrot All The fruits and vegetables from Peta are up to their nutty tricks again. In their effort to turn us all into squirrels like them, they've released upon the public, and upon unsuspecting school children, their latest Peta puppet. No, not Owl Gore. This time, it's Chris P. Carrot. (Isn't that cute!) Peta, as you know, stands for People for the Equal Treatment of Animals. They're the ones try to increase the inherent value of animals by decreasing the value of humans. The root's mission: to travel from town to town celebrating the evils of meat, and other fantasies that you'd expect from a group that teaches children that seven-foot carrots can dance. Orange you tired of this? First they tell us that "meat is murder." Then "Feeding children meat is child abuse." Now their spokessalad tells the kids to "eat your veggies, not your friends." Lettuce look closely. Other than the fact that it's a lie, do you notice something else strange? A carrot promoting the eating of carrots. Yes, friends, these people are promoting cannibalism! Oh, well, you are what you eat. We here at the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, have always been vegetable rights advocates, and while meat is definitely not murder, we have come up with some other culinary crimes, listed here in order of their appearance on the periodic chart:  Salad is speeding  Bananas are burglary  Jelly is jaywalking (Maybe that's a stretch.)  Cucumbers are copyright violations  Radishes are robbery  Gardens are gun possession (Hey, we had to use something the libs would understand.)  Tomatoes are trespassing  Apples are arson  Melons are manslaughter  Lettuce is larceny  Pistachios are polygamy Random Thoughts Some Things Never Change In celebration of the Nashville YES! coming to town, Second Avenue is now officially a two-way street all year round. Until this week, it was a two-way street only during the accidental tourist season. Rok the Voat If you want to know just how bad our government schools are, the booth at one of the schools-turned-polling-place said, in large letters, "Kid's Voting." Please don't ask, "What's wrong with that?" ¨Habla Estupido? In another brilliant display of duh, the Tennessee Department of Safety and Cultural Sensitivity has decided that it will now give driving tests in Spanish, Japanese, and Korean. This waste of money is another brilliant move to put behind the wheel even more drivers who can't read road signs. Pardon Our French ...but May 7 was proclaimed by President Clinton and Bill as National Kick Butts Day. Among the cabinet members absent from the wild celebration was Janet Reno, who had already celebrated on April 17. Warning: "Contains flammable gas. Contents under pressure. Can may burst if left in a closed area such as a motor vehicle. Keep away from heat, sparks, and open flame. May cause respiratory tract and skin irritation. Caustic byproduct produced is combustible and may present a fire hazard if exposed to flame or temperature above 240ø F. Do not puncture or incinerate. Keep out of the reach of children Avoid contact with skin and eyes. Use only with adequate ventilation. Store in a cool, dry place below 120ø F. Upper ozone safe." This warning, which previously would have been omitted from the back of a harmless aerosol can, is the answer to the Owl Goreist whine that we must eliminate CFCs at all costs, because while it may not do any good, it can't hurt. Quote of the weak: "I think this may be my best ever." Stephen Reinhards, 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, on finding a new Constitutional right to assisted suicide Quote of the strong: "Arbitrary edicts of judges are not law. They are the antithesis of law." Thomas Sowell Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, at 615-847-2259, or you can send us e-mail at spiff@nashville.com, or find our web page at www.nashville.com/~spiff/spiff.htm