Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 4, No. 4 Death and taxes. At least death never gets any worse. A Memorial Worth Remembering Ron Brown is dead. His family will miss him. President Clinton and Bill will make political hay out of his death. And America is about to get what will probably be the most expensive memorial in history. Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln all have memorials in Washington, D.C. The cost of each? We didn't bother looking, but we can safely say that it's more than we have in our pockets right now. The Ron Brown Memorial will cost far more. Yes, the Ron Brown Memorial will be what is now better known as the Department of Commerce. Its first year of operation alone will surely cost our nation more than the construction of Washington's, Jefferson's, or Lincoln's, or maybe even more than all three. Then, of course, every year after that, the memorial will cost 10 to 25% more than the previous year. You see, the Commerce Department should have been eliminated (if it should have been open at all) long ago. Now that the Republicans are in control of Congress, many of us expected a vote near the end of this month to eliminate the department altogether_going the way of, well, er, all of those other big government departments that have been eliminated in the past. Now that Ron Brown has died, there's no hope of that happening this month, this year, or any time soon. As you could imagine, any Congressman who would even dare to suggest such a thing so soon after his untimely death would immediately be branded as insensitive, racist, and, of course, an extremist. They'd make it sound as though the Commerce Department belonged to Ron Brown personally, and shutting it down is the same as confiscating it from his grieving family. In the words of Bill Clinton, "No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!" The government already does that with stuff that the dearly departeds of this country really did own. You'll also see, of course, no negative remarks about the man for a long time, if ever. That's a normal trait of any politician who dies. He'll be called the greatest Commerce Secretary this country has ever had. It's not as though he's been under investigation for ethics violations or something. Did he do anything wrong? Now we'll never know. It's just as well, though. We'll need the money the government would have spent on an investigation for maintenance on the Ron Brown Memorial Department of Commerce. He was a politician. He was given a patronage position in the administration. Let's face it. Unless you knew him personally, you'll never miss him. Do you miss the previous Commerce Secretary? Do you have the slightest clue who that was? Did he love his family? Sure. Do they deserve our sympathy and prayers? Of course. His death is a great loss to them. But his death is no greater a loss to the United States than the death of the little girl who died in a car crash this weekend, or a grandfather who died from heart failure, or any of the other victims of the plane crash, whose names you've never heard.. If there's any reality in tomorrow's history, Ron Brown will be remembered as just another Commerce Secretary; no better, and no worse. That's not because of anything he did or didn't do. We don't know what he did or didn't do. That's the whole point. He was Secretary of the Commerce Department. If we truly want to leave a lasting memorial to Ron Brown, let him be known not as the greatest Commerce Secretary in history, but as the last. Please Rise O say can you see by the dawn's early light What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave! Ok, now sit down, Jackson! The Survey Says... In its continuing quest not to make the same stupid mistakes it made in the past, the Supreme Court once again did something right. It refused to force the United States to use a certain statistical procedure to mess up its census figures. The government is supposed to try to count how many people are in the country, but the libs instead were trying to force the census bureau to use the same stuff they use for day-to-day government: polling data. If they like that idea so much, maybe we should use polling data for the next election. Of course, the sample group would have to be fair. The cross section of the population would have to look like America, so the Clinton cabinet is certainly out. To find such a cross-section, we'd need to look for a city with all races, religions, ethnic backgrounds, etc. Maybe not just one city. Let's go for, oh, say, three: Annapolis, West Point, and Colorado Springs. How did we choose these cities? We used the same random techniques that President Clinton and Bill use to determine how randomly well their policies are doing. We found people who agree with things we like, and we polled them. While we're at it, why mess with all the problems of getting an entire Congress to come together? Let's just use a random sample. Randomly chosen, of course, by Dick Armey, Newt Gingrich, Bob Dornan, Trent Lott. We don't need a unanimous decision of twelve members on a Whitewater jury. If we can get a random sample of two or three to come to a unanimous guilty verdict, that should be good enough. What? The Constitution says you can't do all that stuff? It says you can't count the United States' population that way, either: "The actual Enumeration shall be made within three Years after the first meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent Term of ten Years, in such Manner as they shall by Law direct." Note the word "Enumeration." Enumerate means to count. Let's enumerate our fingers, the Democrat way. Ready? One. Two. All right, that's two, so using the proven statistical methods, we know for a fact that we have 12.7 fingers. (For those of you living outside Tennessee, that's a joke. Contrary to popular opinion, most of us in Tennessee have 10 fingers, just like most of you do.) The purpose of the census is to count, yes, count, the number of people in each of the United States to determine each state's representation in the House. It's not to count their races. It's not to count their toilets. It's to count the people, and that's all. Quote of the weak: "The conservatives are fools: They whine about the decay of traditional values, yet they enthusiastically support technological progress and economic growth." Owl Gore. No, wait. It was the Unabomber. Easy mistake. Quote of the strong: "Our first priority is not the running mate, but the agenda." Dan Quayle Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, at 615-847-2259, or you can send us e-mail at spiff@nashville.com, or find our web page at www.nashville.com/~spiff/spiff.htm