Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 3, No. 34 Democrats cut red tape--lengthwise. Pack It In Bob Packwood is gone. It's a great victory for wopersons everywhere. You could hear them cheering in China at the Convention On Wopersonism, where the delegates from third-world countries stopped their petty bickering about such trivial issues as dismemberment, to spend some time discussing real issues like why it took so long for that evil Packwood man to be kicked out of the Senate by such upstanding leaders as Teddy Kennedy and Daniel Inouye. It's not that we here at Spiff enjoy celebrating with the individuals that Rush calls the feminazis, but we didn't shed many tears over the loss of Mr. Packwood. He's one of those flaming moderates who calls himself a Republican but votes for every liberal social bill he can get his hands on-- as though his hands have time to get on anything that isn't wearing a skirt. In many ways he is a symbol for what's still wrong with the Congress. After last November's election, which was not exactly a mandate for liberalism (or even moderation), when Republicans got the chance to become chairmen of committees, who got the jobs? The guys with the seniority. And who, for the most part, has the seniority? The liberal Republicans. It was fun-- well, interesting-- to watch the Senate proceedings on the day that Packwood announced his resignation. Liberal after liberal stood up to mourn the loss of their loved one. Most of them were Republicans, but a few Democrats joined in. They praised him for his knowledge of the political system. They talked about how much of today's legislation would not have been possible without Bob Packwood. They talked about his superior understanding of the complexities of the United States tax code. The problem is that they talked about these attributes as though they are desirable. This is a man they are praising who, had he not resigned, would have been kicked out of the Senate, but not one Senator took the opportunity to tell the world that this slime ball is a disgrace to the Senate of the United States of America-- that men of this character (or lack thereof) are not welcome. To the liberals who stood in praise of Packwood, it isn't the Senate as a whole that is important, it is the personalities therein. When one of them, even one who has committed the high crime of being accused insensitivity, is forced out, they all suffer. As if all the pouting on the Senate floor weren't weird enough, who was it who was celebrating Packwood's demise? The big-mouth feminists. Forget the fact that Packwood supported every bit of the liberal wopersons' agenda. If ever they had a friend in the Senate, it was Bob Packwood. But he committed Sexual Harassment! Now you're not going to find anyone here at Spiff praising Packwood for his sins, but from the point of view of these wopersonlibtypes, their powerful friend is going to be replaced by a nobody who probably won't be dumb enough to keep a diary of his lustful escapades. And even if he does, he'll be a powerless Democrat. A Bunch of Thoughts Double Standards (low as they may be) Even more than a week after his announcement, the medialibs are still talking about Bob Packwood and his antics. Have you heard much, though, about Mel Reynolds? Of course not. The Republican was accused of the mortal sin of sexual harassment. The Democrat was only convicted of molesting a child. Groucho Marx once said, "A man's only as old as the woman he feels." It looks like Mel Reynolds is too young to be in Congress. Tony Snow Was Still Right Did you hear what the Surgeon General said yesterday? Neither did we. Has the health of the people of the United States been in peril since the demise of Joycelyn Elders and her near-replacement? Does anybody still think we need a Surgeon General? On the Local Front... Thousand of people turned out to vote in last week's city council runoff election here in Nashville. Officially the turnout was 12%, which happens to be the percentage of Nashville residents who are city council members. Maybe when the Congress stops trying to do the job of the states and the cities of America, city councils will be able to make the decisions that belong at home, and people will start to consider city council races as something more than a popularity contest. Not the Same Old Thong And speaking of popularity contests, we here at Spiff were pleasantly surprised at the results of the phone poll to keep the Miss America contestants in their swimsuits. We thought that the National Organization for Liberal Wopersons would have been able to flood the switchboards with "No" votes. Apparently there are some people who, for unknown reasons, have more practice in dialing 900 numbers than they do. That, plus the fact that the fans of the Miss America pageant like the tradition. If you've seen the swimsuit competition (and we know you have), you know that the swimsuits the girls wear are not exactly something that will make the cover of next year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Mr. Knute, All-American Ok, so Vandy didn't do too well against Notre Dame. They never had a chance. With Lou Holtz recovering from surgery, he called his assistants together and told them to win one for the-- well, to win one for Lou. Sometimes people forget how well things work when we do our best to emulate The President, Ronald Reagan. Pot Shot It looks like the use of marijuana among kids has shot up recently, or at least that's what the stat men say. Bill (President Clinton is still recovering from her China trip.) is worried about this trend. When he heard the news, he almost gasped (although that would have required inhaling). He's so worried, in fact, that he's about to propose that the government should do something about it. Actually, what needs to be done is fairly simple. We should ban the sale of pot to minors. We should ban pot sales from vending machines. We should ban pot advertising, especially at sporting events. Maybe we should even go so far as to make pot illegal. If we do these things, then it's obvious that marijuana use, like cigarette use, will disappear. Quote of the weak: "Oh, me, oh, my. So much I don't know and so little to say anyhow. And thus, we begin yet another daily briefing at the White House." Mike McCurry Quote of the strong: "Welfare's purpose should be to eliminate, as far as possible, the need for its own existence." Ronald Reagan Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, at 615-847-2259, or you can send us e-mail at spiff@nashville.com.