Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 3, No. 31 Oh, well, we tried. Oil of Ole! (It's full of Bull) It looks as though the Houston Oilers are really serious about leaving the Lone Star state and planting themselves in Nashville. You can tell they're serious. "How" you might ask, (although you don't need to. We've taken care of that for you. You're welcome.) "can we tell they're serious?" It's easy. Nashville's life-long conservative mayor, Phil Bredesen, said so. But then again, he also said he's a life-long conservative, or at least he's paid others to say so. Yankee Phil wants to build a $200-260 million stadium to house the phantom team. This brings up some questions (surprise, surprise): ù Who will pay for the stadium? That's easy. We will. How? With tax increases, of course. Governor Don Sundquist has already promised that there will be no state tax increase to pay for the Oilers. We assume that includes the stadium, and The Gov. Don hasn't lied to us yet. (Twisted some arms in pretty nasty ways, but he hasn't lied to us. (Oh, come on. You had to expect that!)) That means the tax increases will all be local. The three new questions are now: ù Will the tax increases be on sales tax, property tax, or both? ù How much? ù When the 80,000-seat tavern is paid for, will the taxes be reduced to their previous rates? Well, ok, so there are two new questions. Along that line, how will Phil get his tax increases passed? That's easy. He'll ask for them. Phil has a mandate, the one he got with 100% of the 2% vote on the same night that he said it's time to concentrate on improving our neighborhoods. ù Will the Oilers share the stadium with Tennessee State? Who cares? ù Where will the stadium be built? Finally, a legitimate question. Some want it at the old Bordeaux dump, which would make it, along with the new downtown Land-Phil Dome arena, another in the continuing saga of Land-Phil structures. Probably not. Too much hassle with the EPA. How about Fountain Square, the granddaddy of Nashville's failed shopping malls. There's a lot of parking (sorry). It's close enough to a minor interstate highway to cause some major traffic jams. But Fountain Square is a loser of a shopping mall, and who wants to build a winning stadium for a winning team at a losing mall? The real answer is downtown. Yes, downtown. Right next to the soon-to-be-completed-with-or-without-seats Land-Phil Dome. But is there room next to the arena? Of course. You'd have to condemn some standing buildings, like that pesky little church that almost got in the way of the arena beer permit. But we'd be replacing one Sunday hot spot for another. And besides, it's important to continue Nashville's rich tradition of building sports complexes without regard to parking. ù Will it include seats and lights, unlike the Land-Phil Dome? Oh, come on. $260 million doesn't go as far as it used to! ù Who's this lady with the funny hats I keep seeing on television talking about the stadium? That's Thelma Harper, of course. (Incidentally, Thelma is also the answer to the above question, "Who cares?") She's going to be the politician in charge of getting the stadium designed, built, named, beer-permitted, etc.? Why is Thelma Harper going to be running the show? Because she's a Democrat, and there seems to be a special place in state government for Democrats these days. Because she's black, and in order to care about Tennessee State University, you apparently have to be black. Of course this doesn't make any sense, but it can't be just a coincidence that we keep seeing her on television and reading her name in the headlines ever since the Timberwolves--er, Devils--er, Oilers began mentioning the name Nashville. ù Will the stadium be an outdoor stadium, with real grass, (the way God intended football to be played) or will it be one of those stupid dome things that they have up in Phil's beloved North so they don't have to play football in the snow and cold (the way God intended football to be played)? Well, neither, actually. It will be an outdoor stadium, exposed to the cold (well, the cool at least). But it will be covered. Not with a dome, thank God, but with an enormous hat. What kind of hat? That, of course, is up to Thelma. You know, with all of these questions to answer, maybe we should just skip the stadium and play in a big tent. ù What about the name of the team? We certainly couldn't keep it Houston Oilers (although that would make about as much sense as some of the names we've heard). Nashville Oilers? Well, oil is not exactly Tennessee's number-one cash crop. When you think of Tennessee, do you think of oil? (But then again, when you think of Utah, do you think of jazz?) Anyway, since we're starting over, let's get a name that can do well in Rush Limbaugh's Environmental Wacko predictions. This is the system whereby Rush gives his predictions for who is going to win each week's NFL games based upon the environmental friendliness of the team's name. The Dolphins, for example, beat everyone, based on the fact that dolphins are in all green ways superior to those evil, destructive humans. The Dolphins are followed closely by the Eagles and Falcons. Constantly vying for last place are the Patriots, the Steelers, and, of course, the Oilers. We need something more environmentally friendly. How about the beloved Rainbow Warriors? Ok, so a warrior is not a good roll model for little boys and pre-wopersons, but anyone who interferes with commerce by trying to pirate oil tankers deserves to be commemorated. Nashville Rainbow Warriors? No, that's not inclusive enough. We certainly don't want to offend anyone in Memphis, who won't care that their city was overlooked for the team as long as they are included in the name. Tennessee Rainbow Warriors? Mid-south Rainbow Warriors? Still not inclusive enough. USA Rainbow Warriors? No, that would imply that our team is America's team, and we all know that honor goes to that other team from Texas. (Ack!) We'll skip the stupid references to North America or the Western Hemisphere. How about the Global Community Rainbow Warriors? Actually, the name of the team will remain the Houston Oilers. Haven't we learned by now? Nashville is a bargaining tool. The T-Wolves--er, Devils--er, Oilers are not coming here. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, reelect Bredesen. Quote of the weak: "We never will get this budget under control until we have campaign finance reform." Dale Bumpers Quote of the strong: "Two things that can immediately reduce teen smoking: parents." Mike Ramirez Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, at 615-847-2259, or you can e-mail us at spiff@nashville.com.