Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 3, No. 28 It's election time. Remember the arena. We Support Affirmative Action Yes you read that right. It's not a misprint. It's not a fraud. It's not a letter to the editor of the Evening Tennessean. After analyzing Bill's comments, reviewing media reports, getting permission from state GOP officials, and flipping a coin (best 4 out of 7), we here at Spiff have made another policy decision. Yes, Spiff supports affirmative action. What we support is not just any old affirmative action program. It's a customized plan designed to do all the good things the current programs do without all of the nasty, bad stuff. How does it work? Well, as Rush says, affirmative action is nothing more than retribution for slavery. With that in mind, our new policy allows legal preferences for any former slave against anyone who used to own slaves. Are you a former slave? Do you still suffer from flashbacks because of all the beatings you got? Then you deserve the legal right to work for your former master. As an added bonus, you deserve to get paid 10% over minimum wage! Are you a former slave owner? Are you worried about quotas? No problem. There are no quotas. It's much simpler than that. If a former slave comes to you and asks for a job, you're required to give him one. Don't have any openings? Make one. Hey, if someone offered you a slave for free, would you turn him down? Of course not. You'd find a way to use him. Do you have trouble reading? Is it because when you were a slave, there were laws preventing you from learning to read? Then you deserve the legal right to a private tutor. And not just any private tutor: a multiculturally sensitive tutor or tutoress, hand-picked and trained (thanks to an affirmative action program, of course) by the government that kept you ignorant in the first place. Are you a former slave who owns a business? If so, you must have reached your success thanks to affirmative action programs, because you're certainly not capable of getting there on your own, are you? Anyway, former slaves who own businesses deserve the legal right to get government contracts. Even if you're not the low bidder on a contract, you should get the government contract simply because you are a former slave. You deserve that much. What if you're not a former slave? Then you're on your own, just like the rest of us. (So you'll know, not one single member of Spiff is a former slave, so we would not benefit from the affirmative action policy.) If you want a job, you'll have to get it by being good at what you do. Do you want to get into college? You'd better have good test scores. Do you want a government contract? You'd better know what to kiss, and when. Oh, great. Just what we need. Another endless government program! Not so. In the spirit of Bill's four new rules for affirmative action programs, this program will not continue after its equal opportunity purposes have been achieved. As soon as we get to the point that slavery never existed, we will be able to end our affirmative action program. Either that or when there are no more former slaves left. Whichever comes first. More Affirmative Action and Other Stuff Selected at Random for Your Enjoyment ù The main message of Bill's speeches and memos is: Quotas bad, affirmative action good. Yeah, right. That's about as believable as President Bush's "This is not a quota bill." ù President Clinton and her advisors, Bill, George Stephanopoulos, and Chris Edley, are trying to tell us that their brilliant new concept of affirmative action removes all of the current quotas (of which there are now none, right?) and replaces them with goals. If it quacks like a quota.... ù Stephanopoulos said, "A quota is a hard, rigid, inflexible target that must be met in every case at every time." Just like the Clinton foreign policy, right? ù In one speech, Bill tried to rebut the argument that affirmative action programs are no longer needed because they've done their job. He said, as many of them are doing recently, that affirmative action isn't working, so it needs to continue. Soon thereafter, he said that affirmative action is working, so it should continue. So affirmative action should continue only if it is either working or not working. This is the same guy whose earth-shaking new guidelines say, "The policy principles are that any program must be eliminated or reformed if it...continues even after its equal opportunity purposes have been achieved. " ù What's really scary is that we seem to be surprised at this logic. Other Stuff... ù Has anyone out there been reading President Clinton's new syndicated column? Has anyone been screaming and whining the way they are about Speaker Newt's new book? Silly question. ù Remember long ago when Bill stood at the podium, pounded his fist, and said, "No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!"? We thought at the time he was mocking Republicans, but it seems that he was just practicing for his upcoming veto speeches. Gridlock! Gridlock! Gridlock! Gridlock! Gridlock! Gridlock! Gridlock! Gridlock! Gridlock! Quote of the weak: "I am not one of the clowns." Carole Simpson, reacting to Jeff Greenfield talking about the three-ring circus that is that trial of that former football player who is accused of that crime, which is broadcast on that television network. Quote of the strong: "Surround yourself with the best people you can find, delegate authority, and don't interfere." Ronald Reagan, The President Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, at 615-847-2259.