Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 3, No. 27 Let the hearings begin! Idiots R Us It's been an eventful week in the history of political influence peddling. As many of you know, the Democrat National Committee released to its supporter a catalog of goodies you can get if you are willing to pony up the cash to buy some influence. For $100,000 you can have dinner with Bill Clinton. For $10,000 you can chow down with Owl Gore. For $1,000 you get munchies with President Clinton. We assume it is more proof of liberal confusion that Bill costs $100,000 and President Clinton costs only $1,000. You definitely get more influence for your buck at that price. Fortunately, there are still some members of the media who can be shamed into reporting the stupid things the libs do. This time, the clean government advocacy groups jumped all over the DNC and forced the media to notice the ruckus. An embarrassed White House was forced to suspend the use of the catalog while it was being "studied." We here at Spiff are of the opinion that President Clinton and Bill are going to need that money to convince the American people that they really are new Democrats. Yes, they are. Oh, come on! Why don't you believe us? They are too! We have the sneaking suspicion that the catalog will be back. It may be more quiet, but it will be back, and we (as always) want to be helpful to our pals in the White House, so without further delay, we present our recommendations for improvements in the DNC catalog, or... The Dullard Image Catalog ù Bill: You can have a wonderful dinner with Bill Clinton at McDonald's, including all-you-can-eat Happy Meals, and then a lovely evening of cruising the Washington area in your very own, slightly used El Camino. Was $100,000 Now $19.96 (with artificial turf $20.96) ù Owl: An exciting afternoon of hiking among the trees and creatures of nature awaits the lucky supporter who buys this trip. After your hike, join the Gores for dinner_ oh, wait. That would include meat. Join the Gores for a vegetarian dinner_ er, no, that would lead to the destruction of our chlorophyll-based friends. Join the Gores for_ oh, forget it! Just show up and get a copy of Owl's book. (There are plenty left over.) Was $10,000 Now $23.95 (Paperback $6.95) ù President Clinton: You were expecting something with cookies, weren't you? Sorry. If you buy this trip, you are headed for a weekend of fun and frivolity in the wilds of deepest, darkest Arkansas. Yes, folks, it's a trip straight down the Whitewater rapids followed by an up-close tour of the Arkansas prison system. What could be better? Was $1,000 Now $800,000 (This tour will be managed by the health care task force.) ù Joycelyn Elders: (Remember her?) She's out, but since her replacement didn't make it, Joycelyn is still available to show you a good time around high schools in Arkansas. Cost $1.75 (Free if you pick up your own school-provided condom.) ù Robert B. Reichhh: For this reasonable price you can join Secretary Reichhh as he takes you on a tour of Russia and Eastern Europe, showing you how capitalism has devastated the economies of those countries in the two years it has been tried. Cost Free (Otherwise, there might be evil profit involved.) ù Janet Reno: Saddle up and get ready to join Calamity Janet as she leads the posse out to burn down a few more compounds. Great fun for you cowpokes a-lookin' to get back to nature. Cost $300 (Fire extinguisher included.) ù Donna Shalalala: This trip will be a junket across Canada, stopping at hospitals and looking at our health care system that might have been. Cost $100,000 for doctors $18.95 for everybody else. ù Ron Brown: Head off to visit our new best buddies in Vietnam. This trip is for all you folks who always wanted to have your picture taken on Jane Fonda's tank. For a very reasonable price you can see the government Bill was protesting in behalf of. Cost $200,000 (Mr. Brown gets $199,999.99 as a return on his investment in this trip.) Please be aware that the DNC cannot be held responsible for injury or loss of integrity on any of these spectacular trips. For more information, please call Senator Christopher Dodd at 800-SELL-OUT. Love My Carpet! What has President Clinton been doing lately? For one thing, she's sending out press releases announcing the installation of new carpet in the White House. It appears that President Clinton has a lot of time on her hands, enabling her to personally draft such detailed press releases (yeah, right!). The release says that the Blue Room is seen by 1.2 million visitors each year. It did not say how many cookies had been eaten there, nor how many times the White House staff had to clean up after Socks. Did you know that the carpet in the Blue Room measures 23.6 feet by 33.1 feet? You do now. She's also hitting the campaign trail_ er, convention circuit. At last week's NAACP convention, she paid special thanks to "the nation's doctor," Henry "I Had a Future" Foster, who was defeated by what she called "an extreme minority." Quote of the weak: "I think Republicans tend to see women as cheerleaders. If you want to jump up and down and say whatever they've done is wonderful, they'll give you the floor. If you want to question them, they won't yield to you" Pat Schroeder Quote of the strong: "I think that's a very stupid question, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. It's stupid for you to ask that question." Speaker Newt, answering the obligatory MTV underwear question as it should be answered. Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, at 615-847-2259.