Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 3, No. 22 Moving is such sweet sorrow. Gridlock! Just add water to the growing list of things that Bill has promised that President Clinton will veto in the coming months. Last week, Bill stood next to a creek to denounce House Republicans' plans to improve the Clean Water Act and threaten yet another veto. If he had stood up the creek, it might have been a better illustration of his legal and electoral prospects. Since the good guys took power in January, the list of things to veto has grown rather lengthy. Dare we say the word that Bill repeated enough times in 1992 to prompt 3,136 articles in the nation's newspapers and magazines? Dare we say the word_ Gridlock?! A quick run down the list shows just how gridlockian President Clinton and Bill are willing to be when it is no longer a convenient tool to use to beat President Bush over the head: ù Cuts in Foreign Aid: They want to keep giving too much money to other countries. ù Welfare Reform: The crowd that promised "to end welfare as we know it," now sits and threatens vetoes as Speaker Newt does just that. ù $16 billion in discretionary budget cuts and funding for Oklahoma disaster relief: Amazing, isn't it, how we keep coming back to this $16 billion figure? That was what the Clintons wanted to spend in their "emergency stimulus package" in 1993. Now they won't even cut that. ù Product Liability Reform: Nope, can't have that. That might be good for business. ù Returning power to the states through block grants: We can't do that. State governments are closer to the people ant therefore not smart enough to have free rein over federal money. ù Measures to ensure the safety and security of American troops: This is always a problem when they are under U.N. command. But the White House always defers to the U.N. and is opposed to this idea. ù Tax Cuts: We can only cut for those who supported President Clinton in the '92 election, which would be the starving children and Hollywood. ù Legal Reform: What?! Mess with lawyers? Please! ù Risk Assessment and Economic Impact Studies: Republicans want to study the effects of more stupid government regulations before they take effect, not after the businesses go broke. Owl Gore hates this one. ù Assault Weapons Ban Repeal. Yes, we banned 16 types of guns that have microscopic differences from countless other guns. But that's not the point. It made us feel good. ù Freeze on Government Regulations: It would be nice to let the people catch up to all of the new government laws, but that would slow down the pace of government interfering in everything. ù Water: See our patented Clinton Logic Line elsewhere in this edition of WTLB. Amazing, isn't it? Don't you remember how President Clinton was the agent of chaaange and abhorred the gridlock that had brought our nation to a halt? If only that horrible president in the White House didn't veto everything and threaten to veto everything left, we could get on with the business of running the country. Well, the true agents of chaaange have arrived with a lot of big ideas and the votes to pass them. It is time for the Clintons to put up or shut up (either is acceptable) and follow through on at least one of their promises. The change has come. It may not be the change they wanted, but it is here and they better get used to it. We would be remiss if we failed to note the blatant hypocrisy in all of this. But you are used to that. It really does never fail to amaze us how low these people will stoop to protect their special interests and their own collective political behinds. They whine about the wealthy when they are the wealthy (at least until the sexual harassment legal bills come due.). They complain about the future of children when, for 40 years, they have spent the children's money. They worry about the poor while piling on more crushing regulations that drive those daring enough to start a business out of business, killing jobs and making more poor for them to worry about. In short, they are stupid. The contract train is rolling. Get on or get run over. He's All Wet As we said, Bill announces that he is pro-water. To illustrate his position on this, we bring back the ever-popular Clinton Logic Line: Clean water is good. We need clean water. Clean water helps us. We passed laws that say we will have clean water. We didn't have clean water. We needed more laws that say we will have clean water. We passed more laws that say we will have clean water. We still didn't have clean water. Our water today is worse than it has ever been. Republicans want to change the Clean Water Act that has now worked for 20 years. If Republicans change the Clean Water Act that has not worked for 20 years, our water that is the worst it has ever been will become bad. We want to keep the law that has not worked. We will veto changes in the Clean Water Act that has not worked for 20 years. We will veto clean water. Chaaange! You may have noticed the lack of activity last time you drove past the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee. (Well, ok, there was activity, but it was all in boxes.) Yes, that's right, Spiff has moved its offices, furniture, computers, and portraits of The President from the Plaza to the new yet-to-be-named tower at the Fill-In-The-Blank-Office-Park. What does this mean for you? Well, it explains why this issue of WTLB was so late this week, for one thing. It also means that we have to have a new fax number, thanks to South Central Bell, who is simply jealous of our tower. From the Tower, we continue our vigilance to the cause of restoring conservative values to our land. Wherever there is evil, we'll shine upon it the light of goodness. Wherever there is ignorance, we'll shine the light of knowledge. Wherever there is liberalism, we'll shine the light of truth. And wherever there is pizza, we'd like extra cheese, please. Quote of the weak: "The name of the game in the entertainment business is short-term profit. This is exactly what Congress is all about_ how can we get reelected in the short term and every other value be damned." Norman Lear Quote of the strong: "[Clinton] has gone from offering assistance for a withdrawal of U.N. troops in Bosnia to setting the stage for the involvement of U.S. ground forces in the war. To that, I am obliged to make clear: Not on my watch." Sen. Jesse Helms Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the yet-to-be-named tower at the Fill-In-The-Blank-Office-Park., at 615-847-2295.