Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 3, No. 15 According to Descartes, Bill Clinton doesn't exist Bill, You're No FDR! (and neither is your wife) You may be surprised by what you read in this week's edition of WTLB, but we must be true to things we believe. Last week, Bill traveled (without President Clinton) to western Georgia to the place were President Franklin Delano Roosevelt went to escape the crippling pain and the place where he would finally loose his battle with the disease to pay tribute on the 50th anniversary of his death. Instead of using the moment to pay tribute to President Roosevelt, Bill turned it into a cheap campaign tirade against the nation. After Bill, speaker upon speaker lamented the state of the union, whining incessantly about our people. So it falls to us here at Spiff to do the right thing. No, we do not agree with any Roosevelt fiscal or social policy. His ideas are the direct root of many of our problems today, and it will take courage and pain to solve the problems he created. But, for this day, we will pay tribute to the area where FDR provided strong, determined, and inspiring leadership. Things happen for a reason. When history reaches a certain critical moment, there are those who step forward with courage. Over fifty years ago, when it was needed, humanity was fortunate to have two such men. In the days when Adolph Hitler's tyranny threatened to overrun Europe, Asia and Africa, Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill rose to resist the Nazi war machine and, in doing so, lifted their nations to a moment of moral greatness that may never be surpassed. President Roosevelt saw this nation through that epic struggle. World War II was not just about land conquered and lost. It was the moment that will forever define right and wrong and good and evil in the Twentieth Century. Roosevelt stood with free men, even when the nation was repelled by the idea of another great war. He saw that weapons and provisions were delivered to the British while proclaiming American neutrality. The supplies kept the British people going as they held out as the last hope for Europe. When the war did come, his hand guided the nation through the great conflict and brought us to the brink of victory before his death. For this, whatever his party or economic ideas, he deserves our tribute. Did President Roosevelt get that from Bill? No, he got a whimpering speech guessing at what he might think if he came back to America today. According to Bill, he would see an ugly and cynical nation whose people have no interest in helping each other. Bill pulled out the same old tired attacks on The President (you know, the ones he used last year to help the Democrats win in the elections) and whined about every conceivable thing he could think of. Gibberish of this sort, of course, demands a response from Spiff. We would like to think that if he were to come back today, FDR would have the intelligence to look at more than President Clinton and Bill's reelection campaign. So let's take a quick look at some history the libs haven't got around to rewriting yet. FDR would see a nation that emerged victorious and powerful from the war. So powerful, in fact, that it helps ally and enemy rebuild after the conflict. He would see that nation lead the world in technology, culture (before it was funded by the government), and science. And he would look back across the expanse of a 40-year battle between freedom and oppression on nearly every continent of the Earth, from the day Stalin seized Eastern Europe to the day, crushed by Ronald Reagan, the Berlin Wall turned to rubble. Bill didn't think about the past 50 years, only next year, his choice of words are an insult to Franklin Roosevelt and to America. Sure Thing Dr. Foster must be thrilled. Since his nomination, his chances for confirmation have taken a steady dive. First, he forgot to decide how many abortions he has performed_ one, fewer than 12, a few more than 12, more than 700, 39, or 3.1416. Then Bob Dole, Phil Gramm, and a few other senators announced they will block the nomination. As if those events weren't disheartening enough, now President Clinton and Bill have promised that they are "going to the mat" for Henry Foster, just like they did for Zoe Baird, Kimba Wood, Lani Guinier, Bobby Inman, and other people history will forget. Finally, some good news for the doctor: Our Congressman Bob Clement has announced that he is "doing everything [he] can to salvage Dr. Foster's nomination." It sends tingles down your spine, doesn't it? Imagine O.C. Bob storming into the office of Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, raising his fists in the air, and announcing, "I'm Bob Clement!" Imagine the fear instilled in the hearts of the senate staffers! Imagine the horror of those who stand in his way! Imagine the next O.C. Bob newsletter, mailed at taxpayer expense, filled with photos of O.C. Bob sitting alone at the majority leader's desk, because Sen. Dole isn't in his office! And it's about time, too. For too long, America has been without a surgeon general, and the quality of life in this great nation has diminished. Since December 9, when Joycelyn Elders' resignation (snicker-snicker!) was announced, several shocking developments have occurred: ù Infant mortality has risen 23.7%. ù The cost of prescription drugs has risen at an annualized rate of almost 105%. ù The baseball strike has ended. ù The number of heterosexual AIDS cases has increased 34%. ù Abortions have increased 25%. ù The number pregnant teenage girls has increased 20%. The number pregnant teenage boys has remained stable, however. This would show how important it is that we have such a man as Dr. Foster in the office of surgeon general immediately. It would, that is, if all of the above statistics (with the exception of the baseball strike and pregnant boys) were not made up. We made them up to shock you. We made them up to scare you. We made them up to see what it is like to be a senior official of the Clinton administration. As Tony Snow put it a few weeks ago, "Who needs a surgeon general in the first place?...This is a stupid position. This is somebody who's paid to say 'Eat your peas.'" Quote of the strong: "The issue in Washington today is the liberals are in retreat because there's all of a sudden a real agenda on the table." John Sununu Quote of the weak: "That was a bunch of words." Michael Kinsley Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.