Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 3, No. 10 Despite inflation, the wages of sin remain the same. Cereal Killer! It's not a bran new story, but sometime in the recent past, Charles Schumer put out a contract on cereal makers. He says they've been raisin their prices too much, complaining that breakfast food prices have popped up 90% since 1983, while overall prices have gone up 51%. This from a man whose pay rises every year, while his inflationary spending habits have put the crunch on ours. Now Schumer, the same guy who gets his Kix banning guns, wants to investigate the cereal companies. Yes folks, after the battle over gun control ended on November 8, the libs needed something to crusade for. In a stroke of genius, they discovered that cereal prices are too high, so now they're back to their old Trix. Their solution (as usual) is to have the government step in and govern the price of cereal. Never mind that over 3 billion boxes of the stuff were sold last year. Once again the libs forget about this silly little thing called capitalism and the law of supply and demand. If people think that their Apple Jacks are too costly, they will stop buying. Still, Schumer wants an investigation. Who does he think is going to lead the investigation? Speaker Newt? Of course not. Since the libs still control the executive branch of the government, the crackle-down will have to start there. Who knows more about flakes than this administration anyway? Will it be Janet Reno? She would, but after Waco, no one in the Just Us department is allowed to mention "Toasties" and "Crispies." Will President Clinton appoint another Democrat has-been to lead another top-secret task force? Who knows more than Dan Rostenkowski about bounced Chex? Maybe it could be Joycelyn Elders. Nope. She's only interested in the toy surprise. How about President Clinton herself? She's an expert. No, wait. That's shredded documents, not Shredded Wheat. Sorry. Through the vast Spiff spy network we have learned that since President Clinton still runs the armed forces (at least when she's not in Copenhagen trying to convince third-world countries to ask us for money), there must be a military investigation. When it comes to military advice, President Clinton traditionally looks to retired, half-baked navy men. Following in their footsteps will be special investigator Cap'n Crunch. Sure, he's a probable suspect in a sexual harassment suit, but at least he will have to abandon his study of the impact of Froot Loops in the military. We keep pointing out to you how completely lost, irrelevant, and soggy these libs have become. The only things they can find to do are complain about the contract that Speaker Newt continues to ram through the house with amazing speed, and take on the dreaded cereal companies. Once the veil of power was stripped from these boobs, it became easy to see why the only thing they were good at was raising taxes. No wonder the House became a bloated waste of money during their decades of rule. The one thing it really proves is that these guys have way too much time on their hands. Bill's Math Problem, Continued Michael Jordan may be playing basketball again. That's no surprise. Bill Clinton is taking credit for it. We guess that's no surprise either. In a press conference last week, Bill took credit for the "6.1 million" jobs that have been created since he took office. Where does he get these numbers? Let's look a little bit further. He also said that if Michael Jordan joins the Bulls again, the number will increase to "six million, one hundred thousand and one." What does this mean? It's not as though Michael has been out of work since he quit basketball, so he's not going from unemployment to employment. Is the NBA going to give the Bulls an extra place on their roster, creating one extra job. No, Michael Jordan's return to the Bulls is going to put someone else out of work. Net gain: zero. If this is the type of job creation Bill takes credit for, who knows what the number really is? Worse yet, Bill seems to be taking credit for creating an economic climate that allowed Jordan to play basketball again. Then again, what kind of logic do you expect from an Arkansas fan? March Madness This is the time of year when basketball fans from across the nation join together in the annual pageant that is the NCAA basketball tournament. From the streets of Los Angeles to the bluegrass of Kentucky, (and even a little farther east, but your friends at Spiff prefer to ignore them) the nation becomes obsessed with an orange ball. We here at Spiff would like to pay homage to this great happening and make a suggestion that will only make the tournament stronger. It is our view that any school that has changed its mascot name because of pressure from outside groups or just because the university itself is stupidly politically correct should be barred from the tournament. For decades the St. John's University nickname was the "Redmen." Now they have decided the name is offensive to all of the Indians roaming the streets of Brooklyn. Henceforth, the new nickname will be the "Red Storm." What is a Red Storm? We have narrowed the answer down to two possibilities. The term "Red Storm" was used quite often in the old Soviet Union. Or the name could be a reference to the pollution coming out of New Jersey and blowing across the Hudson River. Either way, it's pretty dumb. Marquette falls into this canoe--er, boat. As long as anyone can remember, they were the Warriors. A 1977 national championship trophy still sits somewhere that was won by the Marquette Warriors. Last year they dropped the name because it was offensive. To whom it was offensive, we are not quite sure. To our knowledge, there are warriors on every continent of the world. Maybe Marquette, through its use of the nickname, was offending the Mongol hordes. Wisconsin Green Bay, though a smaller school, manages to be politically correct and grammatically difficult at the same time. Once known as the "Hurons," WGB decided that was evil and switched to the Phoenix. Imagine how difficult it is now for the fellow who does play by play on the radio for WGB. When he could once say things like, "The Hurons steal the ball!" now he has to call the game with phrases such as, "The Phoenix score[s] again!" We at SPIFF will bet that he goofs every once in a while and refers to his team as the Phoenixes. (Phoenices?) More times than not, the names that these schools use reflect part of their history or heritage. In North Carolina, the name "Tar Heels" (dumb though it may be) refers to the soldiers who fought in the Civil War and refused to retreat. The saying was they had tar on their heels. History is permanent, and schools that back away from their heritage because of the pressures of the moment sell out their fans, their alumni, and their identity. What would happen if Notre Dame were forced to give up "Fighting Irish?" Or if there were one person out there who happened to be orange and was offended by the Syracuse Orangemen? PETA would probably like to see Gators and Tigers vanish from team logos. And maybe we should make Utah drop the "Running Utes." We have enough 30-year-old Utes running around Maxine Waters' district in Los Angeles. What is the one nickname that is guaranteed to survive the P.C. axe? Why, the Southern California Trojans, of course. Quote of the weak: "I really don't care what the speaker has to say about me. But I do have this to say. I wish he would leave Big Bird alone." President Clinton, who hasn't really had much to say since then, has she? Quote of the strong: "Having Sen. Byrd's endorsement of any plan is like the Mafia endorsing a crime bill." Sen. Dan Coats Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.