Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 3, No. 7 We're extremists. Owl said so. Zap! Pow! Bam! There is a crisis. Somewhere in the world, somebody is doing a mean thing. Maybe it is a Korean dictator. Perhaps it is a Haitian thug oppressing innocent people. With their backs to the wall and their attempts at diplomacy exhausted, the czars of American foreign policy turn to the only person who can save us. In the cold and inky night, they race to the roof of the White House and hit the secret switch, sending a burst of light soaring into the Washington sky. The light reaches toward the distant clouds, casting a familiar shadow across the sky. It is the symbol of Jimmyman_ the defender of the defenseless, champion of the challenged, savior of the stupid! Somewhere beneath a mild-mannered peanut farm lies the lair of Jimmyman. A maze of policy ideas and big government so large and confusing, only the most committed (committable?) liberal could only find his way through. Using his guise as a hapless former president and part-time carpenter, Jimmyman travels the globe spreading peace and love until there is a crisis_ then he springs into action. With the equipment and government at his disposal, Jimmyman strikes terror into the hearts of foreign dictators and intelligent Americans. Once the signal comes form the White House, he leaps into the Jimmymobile with trusty sidekick Roblyn and races to Washington for his next assignment. Tonight, the threat to humanity comes along the border of Peru and Ecuador. Those two countries are in a dispute over who owns what land and that dispute has become violent. These two countries did not go through the useless preliminaries of State Department negotiations and went straight to the source. Calls were made, requests forwarded, and the signal was lit. Flash forward to somewhere over the jungles of South America. After receiving the details of the mission, taking a moment to ignore Warren Christopher and accepting some fervent Jimmyboot-licking from President Clinton and Bill, the Jimmyplane has raced down from Washington to find a peaceful solution to the dispute between countries. Spying the super secret drug-runner landing strip that is the prearranged rendezvous point, the Jimmyplane swoops down form the sky and touches gently down on the humid jungle floor. Jimmyman and Roblyn leap from the cockpit after the new-fangled electric canopy pulls back and assume a threatening position to intimidate the assembled combatants. Hardened soldiers cower as they pass by. Jimmyman pulls himself up to his full height, grabs the Ecuadorian leader by the lapels, yanks him close and growls the words that shake the poor man to his core. "I hope we can work together to find a solution to this problem that is fair and equitable for everyone." In an equally threatening tone, Roblyn adds, "I as well." After tough negotiations, Jimmyman once again strikes a deal that lowers American prestige. He and Roblyn leap back into the Jimmyplane for the flight back to Washington. Once back in the U.S., they will return to their mild-mannered peanut farm and continue their crusade for peaceful social change in their quest to collect the last three cans of Billy Beer. Join us next week for the next international crisis. Same Jimmy time. Same Jimmy channel. Don't Quit, Quayle! Last week, your powerful Spiff publishers had the pleasure of attending a lecture by The Vice President, Dan Quayle given in Nashville. As we expected, Mr. Quayle touched on the themes that had made him a lightning rod for liberal wrath in and out of the media for almost seven years now. Those themes centered around a basic belief in the family as the glue that holds a nation together and the opportunities that lie ahead with a Republican President as well as a Republican Congress. We were especially impressed to hear The Vice President reach beyond the political issues facing the nation to appeal to young people to become involved in the community. Mr. Quayle spoke of a dangerous and growing disillusionment among young people. It is a cynicism that is cultivated by liberal outlets such as MTV to swing young people toward liberal (or just dumb) causes, rather that focusing on the real issues that impact their lives. As an example of this point Listening to Mr. Quayle lay out the basis for his beliefs heightened our disappointment in his decision not to seek the Republican nomination for president. It is upsetting to see good people like Dan Quayle decide not to put their names forward in this contest. His particular message will be sorely missed in the campaign. While we are sure that a good candidate will emerge from the nominating process, few have the track record or appeal to the issue of the family as Dan Quayle. His departure from the race sent the announced or intending to announce candidates scurrying to prove their credentials as conservatives who agree with his positions, but we must wait to judge if they mean what they and say what they mean. Watching the other Republicans and even President Clinton and Bill try to grab the family issue proves that we have come a long way from maelstrom that followed the "Murphy Brown Speech." Mr. Quayle's departure leaves many, many disappointed Republicans in its wake. Quote of the weak: "The attacks on Dr. Foster, it's like taking Santa Claus to court." Charles Bremmer Quote of the strong: "Who needs a Surgeon General in the first place?... This is a stupid position. This is somebody who's paid to say 'Eat your peas.'" Tony Snow Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.