Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 3, No. 6 Dornan? Hmmmmm... We Should All Have Birthdays This Good On his birthday, Ronald Reagan, The President, was given the gift of the line item veto by the newly enlightened House of Representatives. Only a few days before, we learned that (in the first wise decision of her presidency) President Clinton had recommended that one of the two new aircraft carriers currently or soon to be under construction be christened the "U.S.S. Ronald Reagan." We know, they messed up. It should be named the "U.S.S. The President." But hey, we're stunned they even decided to name it after The President at all. What could be more fitting? In 2002, we will be in the second term of the next Republican president. We will have balanced the budget. Speaker Newt will be preparing to hand over the reins to Speaker Bono after his self-imposed limit of eight years comes to an end. America will be hard at work and productive thanks to that capital gains tax elimination and the implementation of a flat tax. And in that glorious year, we will come together to watch the launching of the ship that bears the name of the man who started it all. Now, we know that this is not a decision that came easily to the White House. It is yet another attempt by this president and her husband to cozy up to the man they spent all of the 1992 fraud_ er, campaign trashing as the epitome of evil. It has been a course they have been charting for a couple of years now. First, they requested video tapes of The President's speeches to learn how to speak to the people. After the second Reagan Revolution began in November, they started commending the President for winning the Cold War. Now comes the naming of the new carrier. But today is not the day to dwell on them. Today is a day to once again celebrate the ideas and ideals of the President. We cannot let this birthday pass without acting on a suggestion from one of Spiff's most devoted fans. She has asked that we print The President's address, in case you, our loyal readers wish to send cards or letters to him. Ask and ye shall receive: President Ronald W. Reagan 11000 Wilshire Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90024 From all of us at Spiff and on behalf of our readers, we wish The President a very happy birthday. What is the Chinese Word for "Daffuhzit"? That is now a very important question because President Clinton and Bill have apparently tapped former Senator "Daffuhzit Jim" Sasser to be our new ambassador to the People's Republic of China. We knew he wouldn't stay out of government very long. Since his stunningly large electoral defeat on November. Mr. Sasser, no longer employed by the government, decided to go to Harvard (where he could truly be himself) and teach about government. But, talking about government isn't enough for someone who has never done anything else. So, back onto the government payroll he goes. The choice of China is a good one for Ambassador Daffuhzit. His philosophy of government is probably more in line with the Chinese leadership than with the Congressional leadership. We know he will share many happy dinners over dog tempura with Deng Xiaoping, discussing the role of the state in every facet of the peoples' lives. We can see the two of them touring Hong Kong and planning to tax the life out of those evil capitalists when the colony returns to Chinese control in 1997. Maybe he and Richard Gere can get together and send positive vibes to the Chinese leadership, so they will free Tibet. There may be a rough spot when he represents president Clinton and Bill's intention to tie China's trading status to its human rights record. He may get exhausted running back and forth between the government headquarters and the embassy to announce each Clinton position change. Hopefully, they will provide him with one of those hip little bikes to get around town on. While the location is good, we cannot escape our concern over Ambassador Daffuhzit's diplomatic skills. If he can't speak English properly, what in the world will he do to Chinese? He could answer an inquiry of the location of the country's only McDonald's by telling the Chinese leadership to go jump off a Great Wall. We just hope that he does not give the government over there any tips on keeping their budget under control. We're not sure how, but if at all possible, we bet he could actually find a way to help a communist state take more money out of its citizens' pockets. We send him on his way to China and wish him well. At least this country will be better off with him gone. What's Up, Doc? It was no real surprise to see Bill Clinton standing beside Henry Foster last week. After all, Foster was hand-picked by President Clinton, but she has been noticeably absent since even before the vote heard 'round the world on Nov. 8. It was no real surprise to hear Bill praise Our Congressman Bob Clement for his support. After all, O.C. Bob has almost two years to distance himself (again) from Bill before the next election. It was a real surprise, and a real disappointment, to see Sen. Bill Frist standing with these people during the official announcement of Foster's selection as the next Joycelyn Elders. What did it mean? It certainly appeared to be an endorsement from the Tennessee Senator. Maybe he was there because of tradition_ a Senator from the nominee's home state acting as his sponsor. Well, some traditions were meant to be broken, and this is one of them. After all, that's why we sent Bill Frist to Washington in the first place, isn't it? Now the official word from Sen. Frist's office is that he will wait until after the hearings to decide if he will support Foster. We wish you had, Senator, but we're glad to see that you are in the process of changing your mind. The last word that we have heard here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering above beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee, is that Dr. Foster has performed either one, fewer than 12, a few more than 12, or more than 700 abortions. Whatever the number, it's clear that, like Joycelyn Elders, he opposes any restrictions, including parental notification and waiting periods. His "I Have a Future" program concentrated on providing children with access to contraceptives. It looks like Henry Foster is Joycelyn Elders in drag, but not nearly as much fun. When it's all said and done, it looks like his "I Have a Past" will become his "I Have No Future." Quote of the weak: "I would never want an obstetrician taking care of me to not know how to perform an abortion." Joycelyn Elders (and we thought she was gone!) Quote of the strong: "This guy may be worse than Joycelyn Elders because he knows what he's doing" Rush Limbaugh, about Henry Foster Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.