Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 3, No. 5 Happy 84th birthday, President Reagan! Response of The President Normally, after Bill delivers President Clinton's State of the Union of Soviet Soc-- er, the State of the Union address, we here at Spiff print a response to some of the dumbest lines in the speech. By now, though, you've heard it all. Simply put, Bill stood there and yapped for 81 minutes, at any particular time doing one of two things: lying or pretending to be a conservative. Ok, he was lying. Instead of the Spiff response, we bring you the response of The President, Ronald Reagan (who, if you don't already know, turns 84 on Feb. 4). We will, in turn, give you the Spiff response to The President: "After watching the State of the Union address the other night, I'm reminded of the old adage that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Only in this case, it's not flattery, but grand larceny: the intellectual theft of ideas that you and I recognize as our own. Speech delivery counts for little on the world stage unless you have convictions, and, yes, the vision to see beyond the front row seats..." "Although the political landscape has changed, the bold ideas of the 1980s are alive and well. Republican candidates swept every major election across the country last year... and as a result, it seems that our opponents have finally realized how unpopular liberalism really is. So now they're trying to dress their liberal agenda in a conservative overcoat..." "However, our task is far from over. Our friends in the other party will never forgive us for our success, and are doing everything in their power to rewrite history. Listening to the liberals, you'd think that the 1980s were the worst period since the Great Depression, filled with suffering and despair. I don't know about you, but I'm getting awfully tired of the whining voices from the White House these days. They're claiming there was a decade of greed and neglect, but you and I know better than that. We were there." An interesting thing about The President's remarks is that they followed not the most recent speech, but last year's. These remarks were delivered at last year's birthday tribute to The President, Feb. 3, 1994. This, friends, is a man with vision! Get a Life! Well, the moment we've been dreading for months (years?) has occurred. No, not Roger Clinton's next album, frightening as that thought is. Last week, the trial began. You know, that trial of that man who used to play that sport and was arrested for that crime. It's sad enough that anyone outside the immediate families of those involved have been hypnotized into caring. It's sad enough that the Evening Tennessean devotes more space on pages one and two to him than it does to hockey and college basketball results. Now the Fonda News Network has bumped Crossfire back an hour to accommodate live coverage of a bunch of whiney, millionaire lawyers. No, not President Clinton and Bill's cabinet. The trial. Yes, we've had to reprogram all of the VCRs in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering above beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee. And what was the topic on last Monday night's Crossfire? Yes, that trial. What a senseless waste of Pat. It's not just Crossfire, though. It's everything. No matter how hard you push the buttons on the remote control, everywhere you look you see live, gavel-to-gavel coverage of that trial. 40 channels (ok, so 31 of them are home shopping channels) and nothing to watch. It's almost enough to make us defend PBS. (That's a joke, folks.) As a public service (and what part of WTLB isn't?) to our readers, we present a few ideas of things you might want to do since there is nothing on television for the next 14 months. Instead of watching a courtroom drama (yeah, right), how about trying one of these: ù Write your new Senator and tell him that PBS and NPR should RIP. ù Visit your local video store and get a copy of Boys' Town to watch with your family. ù Reread one of Rush's books. ù Write your own book. ù Look at your old copies of WTLB and count the spelling mistakes. ù Start an office pool to see who is the next Clinton cabinet member to go. ù Fill out your tax return, paying special attention to the part that says "middle-class tax cut." ù Think about how the Enola Gay has had an impact in your life, and be thankful the war is over. ù Measure to see how far your new arena is from the nearest church. Oops, too late. ù Volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center. ù Count the number of promises that President Clinton and Bill have kept that they have not kept. ù Guess how many times you can say, "Can I play, too?" in 81 minutes. ù Search old newspapers and count the times they complained about then-Senator Owl Gore's book deal. ù Buy a peso, and sell it back for half price. ù Pray for a speedy trial. By the way, we thought about putting this article in last week's issue, but unlike the networks, we refuse to interrupt our regularly scheduled programming so that we may bring you him. You're welcome. Identity Crisis First, he thinks he's Jefferson, and Jefferson rolls over in his grave. Then he's Kennedy. Then his wife starts talking with Eleanor Roosevelt. Then he's Truman. Now Bill thinks he's Babe Ruth. Last Friday, Bill gave a speech at the U.S. Conference of Mayors. He mentioned the Sultan of Swat, whose 100th birthday is Monday. "I identify with Babe Ruth. He was a little overweight and he struck out a lot, but he hit a lot of home runs." Bill? Home runs? We can only assume he is referring to Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, and the El Camino girls, because the only way the analogy works with his policies is, well, uh, ok, it doesn't. He forgot to mention some of the other things he has in common with the Bambino. In case you hadn't already guessed it, we're going to show you some of them: ù The Babe had a candy bar named after him. (We know, but just play along, ok?) Bill has a burger named after him. ù The Babe has The House that Ruth Built. Bill caused the House to be rebuilt, or at least under new management. ù The Babe predicted he would hit a home run. Bill predicted the Clinton Comprehensive Care Plan (CCCP) would pass. ù The Babe was a Yankee Bill was a Dodger Quote of the weak: "Everybody that works 40 hours ought to get a living wage and health care." Chris Matthews Quote of the strong: "Let me assure you I am not going to ask for equal time." Christie Whitman, after Bill's speech Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.