Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 46 Thank God! A Reminder In 1992, President Clinton and Bill swept (with a 43% mandate) into the White House for one reason. They claimed they were new Democrats; that they had seen the error of their party's ways and brought Southern Conservative Democrat ideas to the table. What Happened? Before they walked through the White House door, President Clinton and Bill backtracked on Congressional reform, and announced their intention of putting a... well, a nut into the office of Surgeon General. The first issue they tackled in office was allowing homosexuals in the military and eventually proposed a health scare plan that, at its best, was a bureaucratic nightmare. The "New Democrat" facade wilted faster than you can say "Gennifer Flowers." There is a lesson here. (Yes, believe it or not, the Clintons can teach us something.) We expect something of the new majority Republicans in Washington: stick to the agenda you ran on. To those Republicans who ran emphasizing the need to reduce the influence of government, who ran promising to restore some semblance of quality to the American family, who promised term limits and balanced budgets and lower taxes, we have one word: deliver. We at Spiff have been encouraged by the things we are hearing from Washington. Proposals to eliminate the Department of Energy, diminish the IRS, and to privatize the nation's air traffic control system and Amtrak sound wonderful. We were thrilled to learn that the Public Broadcasting System and the National Endowment for the Arts are squarely in the budget cutters' sights. All of this sounds great_ if it happens. We will be watching and will not hesitate to criticize those who stand in the way or get cold feet. Now, we know that it is not a perfect world. We know not to expect some Republicans to move forward with any kind of real vision (see Warner, J.; Kassebaum, N.; Specter, A.) and we will waste no time in pointing out the error of their ways. (Unless we feel like it.) But, on the whole, we are encouraged. The men and women who won the Senate and won the House have a special opportunity_ and a special responsibility. They have a chance to fulfill the promise of a revolution that Ronald Reagan, The President, began 14 long years ago. In the aftermath of the 1992 election, a columnist wrote, "The Reagan Revolution died on Tuesday, not because it was overrun by an army of counter-revolutionaries, but because its leaders no longer had the will to fight." That revolution did not die in 1992. We have a second chance. Don't blow it. Madam Zelda Speaks Most of the media rely on overblown and blow-dried consultants for analysis of political events. Not us. For commentary and predictions of what the elections will mean, we have turned to WTLB political analyst, Madam Zelda. Spiff: Madam Zelda, what does the future hold for President Clinton in light of the mid-term elections? Madam Zelda: Well, I see great turmoil ahead for President Clinton. After two fruitless years in Washington, trying to make the people believe that she actually does know what she is doing, I see her moving to Waco and settling down with the cattle she bought during the decade of greed. She will declare the land she lives on the Whitewater Liberal Safe Haven Commune and require all who come to live there to learn the fine art of cookie baking and practice the politics of meaning. Spiff: Interesting. Tell us about Bill Clinton. M.Z.: I see good times ahead for Bill Clinton. After President Clinton loses her reelection bid, he will refuse to join her in Waco and will, instead, follow his lifelong ambition of moving back to Hot Springs, Arkansas and start his own El Camino artificial turf detailing business. His business will be a huge success due to the unmet need for more artificial turf in the back of El Caminos, and he will profit from the retroactive lower taxes that the new President and Congress passed on January 21, 1997, learning finally that lower taxes are actually good. I see him reuniting and settling down with the three or four favorite women that the State Police found for him during his days as governor. Spiff: What do you see for Vice President Owl Gore? M.Z.: It does not look good. He will vanish into exile and, for some unknown reason, move to Tennessee. After wandering the backroads of Tennessee for two years, one of the three people in the state who recognize him will inform Mr. Gore that his family does own a home in Carthage. Having lived in Washington his entire life, he will be surprised to hear this, but will be thankful to have a place to go. In Carthage, he will spend two years planning his political comeback, only to have his plans go awry when the fumes from the toxic waste dump on his family farm render him unable to say the word "Tipper," and he continually refers to his wife as a whale to be saved. The feminist movement will automatically withdraw its support. Spiff: That is fascinating. Tell us more. M.Z.: The people in President Clinton's administration will have very different fates. Labor Secretary Robert Reich will be driven from the administration by Republicans but will win a Tony Award for his part as Munchkin number three in the stage revival of "The Wizard of Oz." Attorney General Janet Reno will find work as the security guard for President Clinton's commune in Waco. During a tour of a condom factory, Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders will fall into a vat of latex and will never be heard from again. While vacationing in Washington state, Interior Secretary Bruce Babbit will be attacked by a swarm of spotted Owls and have to spend his entire life savings on dry cleaning bills. George Stephanopoulos will leave the White House and spend his days lobbying Congress to reopen the Congressional barber shop. Finally, James Carville, his usefulness out-lived and the plot to take over Earth failed, will rejoin his comrades aboard the mother ship for the journey back to the planet Commu-Sociala 3. Spiff: Thank you, Madam Zelda. What a Turkey The changes in Congress cannot come fast enough. If you need any more proof of this fact, you now have it. On Monday, the Evening Tennessean ran an article urging its readers to call the federal turkey baking hotline. Yes, that's right, folks. We are spending valuable tax dollars that could be going to such worthy programs as the National Endowment for the Arts on a telephone line for people who cannot bake a turkey. In years past, questions to the hotline ranged from taking the bird out of the bag before you cook it to what does it mean when that little plastic thing pops out of the turkey. Your tax dollars at work. This whole thing is simply too stupid to continue writing about, so this will be a short article. Is it any wonder people voted the way they did on Nov. 8? Now, not only is the government intruding in our lives, schools, and businesses, now they want to intrude on our turkeys. They should stuff it. Quote of the weak: "" Bill Clinton, forgetting to mention who we are thanking, in his Thanksgiving Day proclamation Quote of the strong: "If you keep doing what you've always done, you're going to get what you always got." Rep. Jim Nussle Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.