Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 42 Two undeniable truths: 1. God exists. 2. You're not Him. Gore-y Details Last week, during a lackluster campaign swing (at taxpayer expense) through Tennessee to help the failing reelection bid of Daffuhzit Jim, Vice President Owl Gore forgot which state he was in and attacked Virginia Senate candidate Oliver North. It seems as though Col. North (Yes, that does mean he actually was in the military) questioned the readiness, not of our fighting men, but of our equipment_ or lack thereof_ if Saddam Hussein tries to invade Kuwait once again. North also questioned the ability of a man who hated (hates?) the military, dodged the draft, and does not know how to salute, to lead American forces into another Gulf War. Shame on him. Upon hearing of North's comments. Owl Gore demanded an apology, claiming that North was being unpatriotic by questioning the commander-in-chief and said that North was giving aid and comfort to a foreign power who is opposing United States forces. Gore repeatedly questioned North's patriotism and attacked him personally. Gore seemed stunned that anyone could speak out against the president (We don't know why they kept talking about Bill rather than President Clinton. But it's their fight.) when Americans "are coming together behind their commander-in-chief." All of this bluster leads us at Spiff to ask one question of the Vice President: Who do you work for?!?! How can anyone connected with this administration dare to bring up the subject of opposing the government on a military matter? Is Col. North's concern worse than bill Clinton hiding under a bed at Oxford or threatening the local head of the Hot Springs draft board after telling her that he was "too smart" to go to Vietnam? Is it worse than arranging protests against the United States on foreign soil? We don't think so. And, while we are at it, is it any worse than running to Canada only to have your mother chase you down because your father's Senate career might be damaged if word got out? Hmmm Mr. Vice President? The gall here just sickens us at Spiff. The thought of this crowd invoking patriotism, when they were elected by tearing this country down is disgusting. It is sickening to see these people questioning anyone's right to have an opinion, especially a decorated Vietnam veteran, on military matters. And most of all it is sickening to think that they really believe this garbage. But Owl didn't stop there. Turning his attention momentarily back to Tennessee, Gore attacked Daffuhzit Jim's opponent, Bill Frist as (Now remember, this is Owl Gore talking) a "wealthy elitist" and "out of touch with the common man." Yes, the same Owl Gore who was born in Washington, raised in Washington, lived in Washington, worked in Washington, and Heaven knows what else in Washington, had the nerve to refer to anyone as a "wealthy elitist." The ability of these people to twist facts, even about themselves, is amazing. That's a Lot of Coconuts! As everyone in the world who had nothing to do on Saturday watched, President Jean Bertrand Aristide returned to Haiti from three years in exile. Supporters chanted, crowds celebrated, cameras clicked, and commentators made sure their hair was correctly blow-dried. Secretary of State Warren Christopher joined Aristide for the return and the world rejoiced at Clinton foreign policy triumph. But what were the men who started all of this doing during the celebration? Why, they were counting the millions of dollars that you are giving them to leave their country. Just as a little refresher, let us remind you that about one month ago, these were the most vile and evil men to ever walk the earth. They may have even been more evil than The President, Ronald Reagan, in the eyes of President Clinton and her friends in the Congressional Black Caucus. They were guilty of serious human rights abuses. They were murdering political opponents and terrorizing the people of Haiti. So when the time came to force them out, our government's solution was to pay them off, let them leave, and unfreeze the assets they have in the United States. Those assets alone are worth more than $75 million. So, basically, we told the despot rulers of Haiti that we would pay them millions to get out of town. This made us at Spiff start thinking. If we seized Nashville today and threw the mayor out of power (and wouldn't that be fun!), by the same token, we would be entitled to several million dollars to leave town. And why stop there? You, too, can stage a coup and rake in the money. Spiff has struck an agreement with General Cedras to produce a 30-minute infomercial on how to seize a country or however much land you feel you need and collect a huge reward to leave. It should be on the air soon, but here are just a few tips to help you get started: ù Shop around. Obviously, if you seize some place like Pittsburgh, you're not going to get a good deal. So, you should be selective in what areas you take over. ù Don't try this with anybody other than a liberal who knows zippo about foreign policy and desperately needs the perception of a diplomatic success. ù Save and invest. If you put away some money each week for a rainy day tank fund, you will have a coup-ready arsenal in no time. Hurry now before the Clintons tax your military savings account! ù When you call to negotiate, make sure to ask for Jimmy Carter. We have found that he will get you the best deal. His Sunday school class may even give you a free-will offering. ù Please bear in mind that if you fled your area of occupation with your payoff before January 20, 1993, that retroactive taxes on your blood money are in effect. you do, however, have three years to pay. If you have questions, just call the IRS; they understand the problems of being a merciless dictator very well. We hope this is a help to you. We must remind you, though, that this system is not perfect. If, for instance, you mention religion any time during your occupation, there will be no negotiations. President Clinton will just send in Janet Reno to burn you out and kill you. But if you make it clear that you are looking only for power and money, they will be more than happy to talk. White House operators are standing by, so go out there and seize some land! So Long! A farewell trumpet is needed. Today we retire an old and dear friend. Let us take you back to the bad old days when President Clinton had Bill introduce her Clinton Comprehensive Care Plan (CCCP) to the unsuspecting (Well, at least 43% of them were) masses. You might recall that support for the CCCP opened at 57% because the details did not accompany the passionate pleas for caring and sensitivity. Back then, many people did not grasp how expensive caring and sensitivity would be, both financially and in the loss of our freedom. We at Spiff stood firm. We (and therefore you) knew that the CCCP was a disaster waiting to happen and rose to the fight in our own little way. The first thing we had to have was a banner to rally around. Thus was born the symbol of our opposition to government-run health care. For over a year it has appeared without fail at the upper right (where else?) corner of your WTLB as it rolled across your fax each week. Like an old friend who dropped by each week to remind us that the fight was still on, it was always there. Now that retiring Senate Lib Leader George Mitchell has declared that the enemies of health (that would be us) have killed reform, we are retiring the anti-CCCP symbol_ undefeated. But fear not. If the enemies of freedom (that would be Mitchell) ever rise to once again attempt a government takeover of health care, it will be back. But for now, we send it on its way with congratulations and a really big "thank you." Quote of the weak: "The United States should do everything through the United Nations concerning measures for war and peace." Frank Ku Quote of the strong: "The North Korean problem...is a reminder that not all of foreign policy can be dealt with by global institutions." Jeane Kirkpatrick Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.