Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 41 Capital punishment means never having to say, "You again?!" I.Q. Daffuhzit Utterly unable to resist temptation, Spiff spies in Cookeville, Tennessee, slipped into a fundraising rally for your friend and his, Daffuhzit Jim last week. What did they find? Well, for starters, Jim stiffed his supporters once again. He didn't even show up for his own rally, sending his wife Mary instead. The crowd was, as expected, the usual collection of misfits who expect the government to do everything for them. After a musical interlude, State Representative Jimmy Hargrove stepped to the microphone and delighted the crowd with such winners as "Jim Sasser has brought real, live, active...uh, government to the upper Cumberland region." Then Mr. Hargrove proceeded to name the individual pork projects that Jim has brought back to the area. Of course, no lib function could begin without paying their idea of proper respect to our nation. If you turn to the quote of the weak in this edition of WTLB, you will find what their idea of proper respect is. We warn you, if you have eaten anything in the past decade, this may upset your stomach in a big way. We won't spoil it for you, but our spies report that this was the one moment during the entire sickening event where they almost blew their cover and said something they wouldn't regret. But, we digress. Since Jim couldn't make it, Mrs. Daffuhzit picked up the slack, trying to refute the "charges" against her husband while attacking his Republican opponent, Bill Frist. In a reference to the building sentiment that 18 years is long enough to have a two-faced, tax-and-spend liberal representing us in the Senate, Mrs. Daffuhzit said that comparing the records of the two men would be helpful. She told the crowd that Jim has spent the past 18 years, slaving for the good people of Tennessee, while Frist was "maybe raising the cost of health care." She proclaimed her husband to be a frugal spending moderate who has cut taxes for "us." No, don't ask Spiff who "us" is. We bought a tank of gas with Jim's taxes on it today too. We are still not sure how Mrs. Daffuhzit justifies calling her husband a penny-pincher while his aides handed out flyers trumpeting the $10 million in pork projects he has procured for that area alone. Oh, wait, we forgot these are liberals. They don't need to justify anything. The saddest part of all of this is the fact that the people there not only listened to it, but believed it. The strange thing, though, was the lack of enthusiasm in the room. The people there believe in Jim (Why ask why?), but they weren't sure that he will be able to pull this one out of the fire. Apparently the Daffuhzit camp agrees. In the most blatant pork appeal heard during this election year, Mrs. Daffuhzit said the Governor came to her the other day and asked "How do you think the space center got to Houston? Because Lyndon Johnson was majority leader." Oink, oink, oink, oink. You will be happy to know that our spies at the rally pleaded with Jim's people to give them boxes of litter_ er, literature and promptly tossed them in the nearest non-recycling bin. At least some good came of the evening. I Saw The Light Everyone's favorite political gadfly, Ross Perot, re-joined the ranks of the visible on Larry King last week to make a stunning declaration: the liberals have had control of Congress for too long. We won't bother Ross with the detail that we have been saying this same thing for years, but we do welcome him into the fold (however temporary it may be) of rational people. On the King show, Ross advised that his people should vote en mass for Republicans in the November elections. While we are happy to have the support, it bears noting that this is the same Ross who told us that his people would remember who did and did not vote for NAFTA at the ballot box just a few short months ago. President Clinton and Bill scored the only victory of their dismal first two years only because more Republicans than Democrats voted for NAFTA. If this is the case, then Perotites should be throwing their support behind the libs on November 8. This only proves that Ross has no idea what he believes, let alone the authority to direct others in the future of this nation. Ross also said that he would form his oft-mentioned third party if the Republicans were given a shot at running Congress and failed. Each time Ross opens his mouth, he becomes more irrelevant. Which leads us to ask about the future. There is no doubt that he still wields a great deal of influence with many of his 1992 supporters. But the bulk of the people who made up his volunteer organization in 1992 have fled, leaving behind the kooks who agrees with and believes in every conspiracy theory ever put forward. They are the people who are angry just to be angry and do not take the time to look at the differences in philosophy represented in the two major political parties. They just hate both. So what happens if Ross tries again? If he runs as an independent again, he will siphon off some, but not as many votes from the Republican nominee. If he runs in the Republican primaries, he will be soundly defeated. If Colin Powell decides to run, the angry outsider vote will leave Perot in droves. Powell, like Perot in 1992, is a blank slate onto which people of every political stripe can write what they want. Where does this leave him? Ignored_ as he should have been all along. There Is Hope Take a deep breath, close your eyes (after you finish reading your WTLB, of course) and ponder the future. A little under a month from now, Americans will go to the polls in the 1994 mid-term elections. Is this a referendum on President Clinton, Bill, and the Democrats? You bet your pork it is! If we have done our job and you have done yours (that means go vote for your friendly neighborhood conservative), when the new year dawns, we will have control of the House and Senate and President Clinton and Bill's term will be over. When Republicans move to bring term limits, balanced budget amendments, serious budget and tax cuts, and provisions that force Congress to live under the laws they pass, the veto ink will flow. Then we will see just who is interested in "chaaange." But more that the terror it will mean for the Clintons, just think about the possibilities of a Republican Congress. No more Ted Kennedy dictating social policy. No more Daffuhzit Jim with his grubby little paws on the tax code. No more Patty Schroder worrying more about what kind of sex our military is having than whether or not their guns shoot straight. No more Joe Biden grinning like an idiot during Judiciary Committee hearings. It will mean the end of cover-ups and fraud. No more House Post Office. No more bank. It will also mean that several committees will be under sane control for the first time in many years. The Judiciary Committee would be chaired by Orin Hatch. Jesse Helms would drive Clinton absolutely nuts in the Foreign Relations Committee. No more Ron Delums, who hates the military, overseeing the House Armed Services Committee. How about Jim Leach as Chairman of the House Banking Committee with full investigative power over the Whitewater land-fraud-illegal-campaign financing scheme. And don't forget Sen. Phil Gramm as Chairman of the Senate Budget Committee, replacing the retired (thanks to Bill Frist) Daffuhzit Jim. The possibilities are endless. Just the idea of Clinton forced to deal with a Republican Congress makes us here at Spiff do backflips. If they thought they had it bad before, just wait until we get our hands on Washington. Quote of the weak: "Oh, say, does that Star-Spangled Banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the Democrats" Amy Carpenter, one of the famous "Friends of Jim Sasser," sinning_ er, singing at a Sasser fundraiser Quote of the strong: "Tell your mama, tell your pa, gonna send you back to Arkansas. Na na na, mama you don't do right." Ray Charles Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.