Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 40 Fine. Be that way. Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead! We did it! (For now.) You didn't like the Clinton Comprehensive Care Plan (CCCP). We didn't like it. Millions of Americans didn't like it, and we killed it. Last week retiring (and aren't you sad to see him go) Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell announced that the opponents of health (that's us) had managed to distort the facts and drain off so much support for the wonderful Clinton plan, that it would never pass this year. The glee from this announcement spreads in several different directions. First, we won't have to worry about this awful plan passing and folding our health care system into the government. Second, this was Mitchell's last hurrah. There will be no more serious legislative battles before the November elections, meaning there will be no more Mitchell lies or tricks to force things through the Senate that the American people oppose. After November, Majority Leader Dole will stand in the way, with Mitchell, Teddy Kennedy, and Daffuhzit Jim watching from the retirement sidelines. Of course, we can't forget the most enjoyable reason to celebrate. How sweet it is to watch President Clinton, the patron saint of health, fall flat on her un-elected face. Suddenly, she is no longer saving us all. Now, she is showing Mrs. Yeltsin around town. Next thing you know, they will be shopping for designer cookie tins and China tea. The politics of meaning, meet reality. We can't get out of this without an obituary for health care reform: Clinton Comprehensive Care Plan (CCCP). Died September 30 of truth failure. Survived by President Clinton, Bill, members of still-secret task force, one mock up of a health care security card, and one unused veto pen. Services to be held at polling places all over America on November 8. Rest in pieces. Here a Chick, There a Chick, Everywhere a Chick Chick It appears that President Clinton and Bill's cabinet is looking a little less like America after the forced resignation of Agriculture Secretary Mike Espy last week. In the administration that campaigned on a theme of being appalled by even "the appearance of impropriety," Mr. Espy was found to have gobs of goodies from the Arkansas- (Hmmm) based Tyson Foods, one of the nation's largest poultry companies and a longtime Clinton backer. Was it just two years ago that candidate Clinton was bashing the greed of the evil 1980s? Is this the same person who now runs an administration mired in Whitewater, the White House Travel Office, and now Chickengate? It makes us wonder. And just who pops up on the short list of names to replace Espy? Why, an old Clinton buddy from Arkansas! Learning from your mistakes is not one of this crowd's strong suits. So who will keep the Clinton cabinet looking like America. Well, 57% of America voted against Clinton, so 57% of the Clinton cabinet should disagree with the policies of President Clinton and Bill. On second thought, the Clinton approval rating now stands at 39%, so 61% of the cabinet should be fired and replaced with people who believe that President Clinton is doing a bad job. Here are just some Spiff recommendations: ù Secretary of State: Jeane Kirkpatrick Watch the Serbs, Haitians, Hot Somalis, and Koreans fall in line with Jeane in charge. ù Health and Human Services: William Bennett It would help to have someone who understands responsibility and dignity aren't found in another government check. ù Labor: Anyone who has actually successfully worked in a business. ù Defense: Someone who has earned the respect of our military. Try Norman Schwarzkopf. Make the chaaange now, before it's too late! Shrill Phil If you have not seen any of lifelong-conservative-for-ten-minutes Phil Bredesen's ads against Don Sundquist lately, where have you been? These stupid things are everywhere. With the whiniest voice since Tiny Tim, the announcer attacks Sundquist's_ well, he attacks everything about Sundquist, with no apparent effect. Phil has apparently applied his arena investment philosophy to his media campaign: lots of money and a big hole to show for it. Bredesen has spent millions assaulting Sundquist since the weekend after the August 4 primaries. You know, about the time he said he wanted to run a clean campaign and stay on the issues. What does he have to show for it? He slipped two points in the latest media poll and may be finding that his millions can't buy him personality or an honest platform to stand on. While we are attacking each others honesty, let's take a moment to note that this is a man who is referred to in his own television commercials as a "lifelong conservative." That one even brought chuckles from well known Democrats. Yes, this is the same guy who referred to himself as a "Kennedy Democrat" in 1987. The only person more liberal than the Kennedys may be Daffuhzit Jim, and even he is running away from Bredesen. The standard rule in politics is "attack when you are behind." Bredesen is behind. That is why you see these shrill, almost hysterical ads attempting to tear down Don Sundquist. If Phil's Mill had bought him the lead in this race, you would be seeing happy "lifelong conservative" ads all over the place. As it is, he is behind, and no amount will buy him the support he needs in the last days of this election. Quote of the strong: "He did serve his country as a Corporal in the Marines. This, of course, does make him the highest-ranking military official in the Clinton Administration." Mary Matalin, about her husband Change! You may have noticed something different about the cover sheet of your Words to Live By this week. The picture of Calvin is noticeably absent from the Spiff logo. Well, maybe not noticeably. The picture was actually only ¬" high, and you have to have a pretty good fax machine to know what it is. Why the change? We received a fax last week. It consisted of a form letter, followed by a news release. The letter prominently contained the word "attorneys." It prominently did not contain the word "please." It informed "To Whom It May Concern" (We assumed that means us.) that it has come to their attention that we were using copyrighted characters from their comic strip without their permission, and that if we did not stop within 10 days, well, you get the idea. It also said that the news release may be of interest (nudge, nudge). The news release had four short paragraphs about two t-shirt manufacturers who were sued for big bucks for selling Calvin and Hobbes t-shirts. It went on for more than half a page to sing the praises of their other comics (some of which are actually worth praising), columns, books, gifts and stationery, licensing division, electronic distribution, and other things they do to make the world a better place. Since they've been so kind as to tell us all about them, we thought we'd tell them a little bit about us. (The rest of you may read along, if you want.) We are Spiff: Socially and Politically Incorrect Freedom Fighters. We're just some guys who put together WTLB in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering above beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee. (All right, we're really in a basement, but it is at the top of a hill.) We are not a huge, multi-million-dollar corporation. We are not even a large, multi-hundred-thousand-dollar t-shirt manufacturer. In fact, we lose about $40 a month getting WTLB to our loyal readers. We don't write this to make it seem that we deserve to use a character on our cover sheet. We don't. Calvin is their character, and they can do what they want with it. We've removed Calvin from our cover sheet because we were threatened. We'd like to say we removed it because we were asked. The world would have been a better place. Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.