Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 38 We misunderstood. Bill was going to invade Hades. Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep.... We interrupt this WTLB for a special report from Spiff News... Continuing coverage of the Crisis in the Bronx. Following the triumph of democracy in Haiti, (Oh, wait, we are restoring a Marxist to power and allowing the people who caused so much trouble to stay in the country. Never mind.) President Clinton and Bill are feeling pretty proud of themselves. Now that they have warmed up with an easy one, they are ready to take on the big problem. Using our vast electronic spy network, Spiff has intercepted orders that were transmitted directly from the Pentagon to the troops who have been on standby for the Haiti invasion, telling them to maintain combat readiness and to be prepared for a radically different new mission. There is another group (actually, two groups) holding some American hostage right here in our very own country. President Clinton and Bill have decided to act. The plan we have intercepted proposes to have our troops stand by while President Clinton and Bill go to the U.N. and receive the proper Security Council resolution of use force if necessary. As usual, the administration has refused to inform Congress or seek Congressional approval before sending our troops into harm's way. Once the U.N. has voted to act, our troops will be mobilized and positioned at the ready for any hostile retaliatory actions that might occur. After careful planning, our troops will be prepared to move in on target at a moment's notice, if the hostage takers do not relinquish the captives immediately, we will be forced to act. Our troops will be strategically placed around several stadiums across America. If the baseball owners and players refuse to return to the game, we will be forced to invade the stadiums and drive them from power. Of course, different stadiums will have to have different assault plans. Yankee Stadium will need extra ground troops and air support because, well, because it's in the Bronx. We have learned, though, that the go-ahead order has been given and our bombers are converging on Yankee Stadium. The message to George Steinbrenner is clear: Your time is up! If you do not return to baseball, we will be forced to invade your stadium and set up a U.N. peacekeeping mission in left field (which is where these missions usually come from). It is the only way democracy an be restored. Across the nation our troops are waiting to hear the order that will send them into harm's way. President Clinton and Bill understand the perils the troops face, but they are willing to take the chance and have the baseball season resume after they have moved our troops into position in stadiums across the country. Of course, stadiums such as the Kingdome and the Metrodome will make it difficult to strategically bomb the field through the roof, but we at Spiff are confident that the same folks who brought you Somalis, Haiti, and North Korea will pull us through. Of course, we also are offering to have Jimmy Carter negotiate with Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco to see if we can bring about a peaceful solution to this epic crisis. Spiff is here, and we will keep you up to date with events as they develop in this growing emergency. Do You Have Your Snow Tires? It is a pleasure for us here at Spiff to welcome back to the hallowed halls of Democrat lore, the once and future mayor of Washington, D.C., Marion Barry. Mr. Barry rose from the ashes (no crack pun intended there) of ignominy to win his party's (and remember, his party is Democrat) nomination and once again sit in the Mayor's office. Of course, whoever wins the nomination of Barry's party (that's Democrat) is assured of winning because the members of Barry's party (yep, Democrat) outnumber Republicans in the District of Columbia by almost 8 to 1. By capturing his party's (you get the picture) nomination, Marion Barry retakes his honored place alongside such luminaries as Ted Kennedy, Patty Schroeder, Jesse Jackson, Dan Rostenkowski, Owl Gore, and let's not forget (even though we would like to) President Clinton and Bill. Makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it? Just how did this remarkable comeback happen? Why, because Barry is a black man who was framed by the evil white establishment to keep him from leading his people out of poverty under another efficient and helpful government program. What you did not see on that grainy videotape four years ago was the white guy holding the crack pipe up to Barry's lips and forcing him to inhale. Armed with the knowledge that white people framed him and forced him from power, Barry played the race card (something an insert-nation-of-origin-American would never do) to the hilt, making sure that his voters knew that the white establishment had beaten him down for becoming too powerful. Of course, this is only a prelude, since the drive is alive to make the District of Columbia into the 51st state of New Columbia. We bet you just can't wait until the day Senators Jackson and Barry take their seats in the Senate Chamber. What a grand day for democracy! We also can't wait for that first consultation and photo opportunity at the White House. Pony Excess A recent visit to the post office (No, we don't mail copies of WTLB. Don't even ask.) prompted us to look at how things are going in our nation's very effective and efficient postal service. What do you suppose we found while standing in line? Well, for starters, we found that the post office guarantees a while twenty-nine cent stamp if you wait in line for more than five minutes. Oh yeah, that is worth it. Second, we were introduced to a marvelous new innovation that is certainly worth the price of the last hike in stamp prices: the Postal Service Video Network. You may ask what PSVN does for post office customers. Well, it informs us about the fascinating world of being a postal employee. Did you know that a postal employee can actually sit and watch while 90,000 pieces of mail per hour are processed by a machine? or that it helps to always use a ZIP code on your mail? Amazing stuff. But PSVN doesn't stop there. We also get free community service messages such as, "Be kind to animals. They are our friends." "Don't drink and drive." And, the ever popular poetry reading from Maya Angelou, apparently designed to put you to sleep so you don't realize that you just earned a free stamp for waiting in line for more than five minutes. Strangely enough, with the current Washington climate of gun control fever, there were no reports on how effectively postal employees manage to shoot each other. The bottom line is that Vice President Owl Gore's (who, by the way, received a D from 44% of the people recently surveyed by ABC news for his efforts to reinvent government) new efficient and reinvented government used the money that we have to pay to mail our letters to go to the trouble of producing these silly repeating videotapes, make copies of them, distribute them to every post office, (by UPS, of course) buy each of these post offices a new VCR and new television and set these stupid, inefficient things up to tell us how efficient they are. What we care about is that out letter gets there in a reasonable amount of time at a reasonable cost, not Elvis elections, not advertisement for a postal service we are forced to use anyway, and not whether or not the post office supports the Olympics. If they have enough money for all of this foolishness, they don't need any more of ours. Quote of the strong: "Jim Sasser, get a life!" Bill Frist campaign ad Quote of the weak: "The worst thing that ever happened in education is the radio talk show." David Berliner, NEA's Friend of Education recipient Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.