Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 37 Why bother phoning a psychic? Let one phone you. The Real Baseball Conspiracy If this were a real administration, things would be different. It is, however, the Clinton administration_ one whose foreign policy was determined by President Clinton's secret health scare task force and whose military objective is to get a four-star rating for its Somali Catering and the Hotel Guantanamo. Now President Clinton wants Bill to send the Arkansas National Guard into Haiti. Why? To restore democracy to the half-island country, of course. If anyone knows how to restore democracy to a country, it's President Clinton, whose socialized medicine plan was going to be pushed through Congress by Jay Rockefeller "regardless of the views of the American people." This is the administration whose Department of Housing and Urban Development will not allow anyone to disagree with its policies. This is the admin istration that stole "the right of the people to peaceably assemble" anywhere near an abortion shrine_ er, clinic. The administration wants to restore its kind of democracy to Haiti by returning Jean-Bertrand Aristide to the Haitian presidency. In addition to being a former president, Aristide is a former priest. He was defrocked by the church, which makes him that much more attractive in the eyes of President Clinton and Bill. The problem is, Aristide doesn't want to go back. Why should he, when the prozac, vallium, and other drugs he's been on for years are more available at a lower cost in America (for now, at least) . No, the eminent invasion has nothing to do with democracy. Why, then, is it so important to America that we invade? What is our national interest in the country in the first place? Haiti is not stockpiling nuclear missiles aimed at our shores. Haiti has no oil. Haiti has only one thing America needs. No, not voodoo. Baseballs. Thanks to our vast Spiff spy network, we have uncovered an international conspiracy to suppress the baseball market. Do you think the baseball strike has anything to do with salary caps? No, that's just an excuse. There is no strike. There are simply no baseballs left. Baseballs are (or were) manufactured in Haiti. They are then shipped across the island to the Dominican Republic, where each ball is game-tested by Dominican boys. (Why do you think there are so many Dominican players in the Majors?) From there they are imported to the U.S. Until last year, that is. When sanctions were imposed on Haiti's military government by President Clinton and Bill's antimilitary government, nobody expected the Dominican Republic to comply. While there is still an exchange of petroleum, grain, and medicine between the two countries, the Dominicans have steadfastly refused to allow baseballs into their country. Rush has suggested that the impending Haiti invasion is designed to get the Congressional Black Caucus to support the Clinton Comprehensive Care Plan (as though they don't already). While that's not exactly right, it is true that the invasion is designed to push health scare through Congress this year. The soon-to-be Haiti attack is planned to appease not the CBC, but George Mitchell. To have socialized medicine, Mitchell must be happy. To make Mitchell happy, he must be named commissioner of Major League Baseball. To be baseball commissioner, there must be baseball games. To have baseball games, there must be baseballs. To have baseballs, there must be no sanctions against Haiti. To have no sanctions against Haiti, there must be a way for the Clintons to pretend they have achieved victory over the evil Haitian military. To have such victory, there must be an invasion. And you thought there was no logic behind Clinton foreign policy! They're Baaaack! (Sort Of) The calm has ended. The storm is about to begin. President Clinton, Bill, and Owl Gore have returned to Washington after a week of relative comfort and safety! (Ours, not theirs.) Washington slept. No laws were passed. No judges were confirmed. No Illinois Representatives were indicted. America survived anyway. President Clinton and Bill took a vacation to Martha's Vineyard (a place where millions of ordinary Americans go to vacation every year) along with Chelsea, the Secret Service, the networks, and a few hundred of her favorite Democrat politicians. It was a typical just-before-the-election-so-we-need-to-boost-the-ratings trip. Bill played golf, with civil-rights leader Vernon Jordan as his caddy. He fulfilled a promise he made to himself long ago: to shoot 80 before he turns 50. It's nice to know he can keep promises he makes to someone. Chelsea played miniature golf. She got a hole-in-one, even without the aid of a civil rights leader. You can't get talent like that from a D.C. public school, can you! President Clinton, of course, was nowhere to be seen, except for an occasional photo op with Bill, walking hand-in-hand down the street, smiling and planning what to do with George Mitchell if he doesn't get her health scare plan passed by October. Why was she so noticeably unnoticeable? The same reason she will remain so until November 9: Democrats want to get reelected. As hard as it was for President Clinton to remain invisible, there was one man who had an even harder job. Yes, Owl spent his vacation limping around Cairo, trying to convince third-world countries, like the Vatican, of one vital thing. The U.S. is not trying to impose abortion on the other countries of the world, so they may as well stop resisting. When they returned, the Clintons were greeted by the Asbestos Police, who evicted them from the White House (a sign for January 1997?) to the squalor of the Blair House. Monday morning, a single-engine plane crashed into the White House lawn, breaking a window. Spokesmen insist it was not an attempt on Bill's life, but it would be different if he were at home. Yes, folks, asbestos has saved our country! As is usually the case immediately after an isolated incident, Congress went into action to be sure this will not happen again. Rep. Sander Levin has introduced the Wilbur Wright Bill_ a five-day waiting period on light aircraft. Diane Feinstein introduced a ban on 19 types of assault aircraft. Maxine Waters demanded we give $100 a week to 30-year-old youths. And Joycelyn Elders wants every plane to be a planned, wanted plane. Let's face it: this flight should have been aborted. But for now, it's back to the reality zone. The Clintons are back in town, and Congress will soon follow. They'll have some tough decisions to make. Among them: which should we pass for the American people? Socialized medicine or a middle-class tax cut? Well, we can't expect them to think too hard right away, can we? Leaping Libs! That's exactly what they are doing. It is so much fun to watch die-hard Clinton supporters dump their favorite gal because her administration is in a popularity free-fall. We already documented for you how Daffuhzit Jim has switched parties and become a Republican. Jim is now for school prayer (even though he voted against it most recently in March). Jim is for deporting those horrible illegal aliens who, up until now, he didn't mind financially breaking us to take care of. Phil Bredesen has been a lifelong conservative for three months, and Jim "My upper lip won't move when I talk" Cooper has decided that judges who block the death penalty should be removed, although he has done nothing about it during his time in Congress. And the good news just keeps rolling. Last week, one of our favorite guys, Sen. Phil Gramm of Texas, swung through the state in support of Senate candidates Bill Frist and Fred Thompson. During his stay, Sen. Gramm announced that the National Republican Senatorial Committee has decided to give each campaign $450,000. While here, Sen. Gramm also confirmed a recent poll that found Don Sundquist leading Philip-phlop Bredesen, Bill Frist leading Daffuhzit Jim, and Fred Thompson in a dead heat with Cooper, even after all the publicity Cooper gained with his not-quite-as-Clinton Clinton health scare plan. The flailing begins. Soon after the poll figures became known, the libs went on the warpath. Bredesen went on television with (more) negative ads attacking Sundquist; Daffuhzit Jim unleashed a hail of charges against Frist so whiney and off-the-wall, they generated giggles from many Tennesseans_ including charges that Dr. Frist's paycheck came by ripping off people in the medical industry. Of course, this means that we at Spiff are waiting for Jim's endorsement of Sundquist over Medicaid millionaire Bredese n. Cooper refused to use Thompson's name during a rather terse radio debate, referring to him only as "my opponent." He actually accused Thompson of leading a secret life as a foreign agent. No Jim, Fred was in movies about spies_ he wasn't actually one. You need to get out more often. Cooper hasn't had a tough race for his congressional seat in years. It shows. This is so much fun. Watching libs fly into a panic is one of the most enjoyable experiences we can have. These people are so accustomed to having things their way that when we stand up to challenge them, they flip. We would be remiss if we did not mention the two people who are leading the charge toward a Republican victory in the fall. They have worked tirelessly to show the nation how a conservative approach to problems is the best way to go. We applaud their contribution to getting Republicans elected i n November. Thank you President Clinton and Bill. Quote of the weak: "The most important currency in this body, in this Senate, is one's word." Joseph Biden, or was it Neil Kinnock? Quote of the strong: "I just can't believe that we the people out here need five pictures of you." John Osborne, to Your Congressman Bob Clement, about his $35,000 newsletter Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.