Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 34 If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress? The Owl's Coop Jim Cooper does not agree with President Clinton and Bill on health care. He does not agree with President Clinton and Bill on the "crime bill." Cooper opposed the administration on both. But, Jim Cooper is running to fill out the remaining two years of Owl Gore's seat in the Senate. Although they may disagree, libs will be libs, and when their backs are against the wall (as they certainly re in this year's elections) they will stick together. Such was the case as Vice President Owl Gore campaigned across the state (Yes, he did use a carbon-monoxide-emitting jet and an ozone-depleting limo for the campaign swing.) on behalf of his good friend Jim Cooper. During their stops across Tennessee, Owl and Jim papered over their differences, because the Senatelibs are going to need every victory they can possibly squeeze out of the November elections. During the stops, including one in Nashville that Spiff spies report had to be filled by people using free passes rather than contributing, Jim and Owl compared their relationship to a marriage that sometimes has its disagreements. Of course the thought of being married to President Clinton, Owl, or Bill does make us here at Spiff cringe with revulsion, but we digress. The comments they made did give us something to think about, though. What if Jim Cooper does make it into the Senate by dishonestly portraying himself as a maverick conservative Congressmen who stands up to the administration, when he actually votes with them the vast majority of the time? Will this rocky "marriage" suddenly become harmonious? Is Jim using this as a ploy to look independent and rake in the medical PAC money Jim says he doesn't accept? We hope we will never see. We here at Spiff wonder about Mr. Cooper's new-found political leanings. He opposes the administration, but does not mind pulling in Owl to raise a little dough for him on the side. Dishonest or not, it is quite a contradiction. Spiff: Lifelong Liberals Yes, folks, you read it. We at Spiff have been fooling you for a year now. We are actually flaming liberals who prepare and send your WTLB through the services of Greenpeace. Sorry to let you down. What? You don't believe us? How could you possibly think we could deceive you? If you don't believe any of the preceding paragraph, ù You know your Spiff. ù You probably had the same reaction the first time you heard a television announcer inform you that Phil Bredesen is a lifelong conservative. Let's see if we get this straight. Phil is from New York. He ran for the state legislature in Massachusetts, supported legalizing marijuana, called himself a Kennedy Democrat, and wants Tenn Care to cover abortions. This is conservative? We're sorry, we here at Spiff have been calling ourselves the wrong thing for the past year. We were not aware that being conservative meant more and larger government, taxpayer funding of abortions, and legalizing drugs. So we must be liberals. We are the opposite of what Phil Bredesen represents. We don't want more government "services." We believe in the ideals of individual freedom and responsibility, not Phil's views. We, of course, do realize the dynamic at work here. First, Daffuhzit Jim hit us with ads saying he has been working for 18 years to return prayer to schools, and wants to crack down on those horrible illegal immigrants. Then the other Jim made sure that he listed his opposition to the Clintons as an achievement during his tenure in Congress. Close behind, Phillip Phlop began his $2 million media blitz with an ad saying he is a lifelong conservative. And all this time we thought conservative was a good thing. Who knew? Nothing from Nothing Thanks to spineless, liberal Republicans, the House of Representatives passed the $30+ billion Criminal Welfare Handout and NBA Farm Team Bill. It was so important for Washington to immediately fund macrame classes in Los Angeles, that the House leadership (?) held a rare Sunday session, keeping members from their weekly photo ops at church. It was no surprise to anyone here at the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee, that Your Congressman Bob Clement voted for it. Staffers at the Clement Reelection Office--er, Congressional office--couldn't tell us if Your Congressman Bob made a serious attempt to get permission from Tom Folly to vote against it. It was also no surprise that Don Sundquist voted against it. He must have read it, or at least as much as he possibly could since the bill is so huge. (We were told that at least 20% of the appropriations in the bill are to cover moving expenses of the document itself.) Rep. Sundquist is going to be a governor next year, and he knows how much this bill will hurt the people of Tennessee. Thanks for trying. The disturbing part of this whole mess, next to the bill itself, is how these liberal Republicans tried to cover their backsides. Time after time, they stepped to the podium on the House floor to say, almost word for word, "I voted against the original bill, and I voted against the rule, but Mr. Speaker, I will vote for this bill because...." blah, blah, blah. They would then go on to say how evil the original bill was, despite the fact that it would have cost $3 billion less than the one they passed. Then they said how horrible the conference bill was, which would have cost $3 billion more than this one. Then they proudly proclaimed how wonderful they were for being so kind as to give the American people 100,000 new cops (a lie) and save America by banning those evil assault weapons. They could then go home and tell their constituents that they protected the people from the evil Congress by opposing the evil version, but then protected the people from the evil criminals and the evil NRA by supporting the good crime bill. It's also disturbing that this is probably an effective strategy, from an anything-to-get-reelected standpoint. Let Them Eat Cookies Last week, Bill Clinton celebrated his 48th birthday with a press conference and reception for the White House press corp. After telling the press that he wanted a crime bill for his birthday, Bill asked them to join him for cake in the State Dining Room. Never missing an opportunity to suck up to the national press, Bill emphatically asked them to join him for cake. After the formalities of posing with the cake. Bill began to cut and serve pieces to the gathered media representatives. He cheerily went about his business, making sure everyone had been served, while President Clinton stood by. We at Spiff watched this scene with some interest. It was a fascinating glimpse into the lives of President Clinton and Bill. While she stood there smiling, he made sure everyone was happy and fed. Apparently, she did not stay home and bake cakes as well as cookies. Quote of the weak: "Well, in any democracy it's up to the people to make their own decisions." Bill Clinton, on getting rid of Castro Quote of the strong: "You'll never learn the difference between right and wrong shooting a free throw." Rep. Henry Hyde Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.