Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 31 Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote! Greyhound? Poodle! Although the libs in Congress have told her that she has no health scare plan, President Clinton, last week, launched the worst bus tour since the Partridge Family world tour a few years back. Beginning in the Pacific Northwest, (you know the place where they have all of those dying owls) President Clinton pushed her ideas on health care to a less than receptive audience. In fact, the number of people protesting against her socialized medicine plan has outnumbered those present to support the plan. President Clinton eventually wound up lashing out at the protesters, proving once again that we have a Constitutional right to free speech, unless we disagree with the Clintons. And so it was. At each stop, only a handful of people showed up to support President Clinton's bid for a government takeover of health care, with those ever-present protesters nipping at her heels. No matter how many Hollywood has-beens she packed on the bus, the people just wouldn't come. Gone are the euphoric days of the 1992 campaign when Bill Clinton drew huge crowds in the same cities because he felt their pain. Now those same people feel betrayed by tax hikes, gun control, and a health care plan they didn't expect. They are proving it with their absence. Just what is the cost of this excursion? Low estimates (obviously done by Leon Panetta) have placed the price tag at a mere $2 million. President Clinton and Bill claim that one of their "nonpartisan" health care reform groups is picking up the tab. But who is going to pay for the setup at the rally sites? Who is paying for the security both before President Clinton arrives and while she is on site? You did on April 15. And you will next April 15. And the next... Surprise. The fact that the trip is a flop notwithstanding, the idea may be one that President Clinton and Bill would like to use to promote other parts of their agenda. To promote the Clinton Crime Bill, (no, that's not the one that outlaws Clinton's crimes) we could pack the two of them along with Janet Reno into a paddywagon and let them roll across the country. To highlight the dangers of crime in America today, they could stop at some infamous crime scenes, such as Little Rock, Madison Guaranty Savings and Loan, Waco, Vince Foster's office, the Los Angeles Hairport, Tyson Chicken's Arkansas facilities, Oxford, and of course the Oval Office. To promote Haiti Policy #2,343,467, we could build a raft and let President Clinton, Bill, and Warren Christopher raft down the rivers and across the lakes all over this great country of ours. At each stop they can tell why the policy they devised since the last stop is the best way to go. Of course, this is not as efficient as the bus tour, but it does fit the efficiency of the Haiti policies. We must not forget (even if they would like us to forget where the idea came from) the deep concern the Clintons have for family values. To promote the administration's ideas on this front, we could head down to Big Earl's Salvage Lot in Hot Springs and dig out Bill's old El Camino. The Astroturf from which he claims to have got some unspecified burns may be a little worn, so we may have to replace it. But once it is ready, it's off to pick up Gennifer and Paula, and we are on our way to a nationwide tour to promote the ideas of God, family, and neighborhood! We could stop at strip clubs across the country to promote--er, protest nude dancing and might stop off at a few porn shops just to drive the point home. This tour would definitely end up in Hollywood, where Bill would have a cameo shot on Married with Children. As you can see, there are any number of issues the White House can tour the country to promote. Fortunately, they have only two years of touring left. Limited Judgment We at Spiff have a problem. Our reigning poster-boy for term limits, William Natcher, died a few months back, leaving us with no one to use as our example of why we need term limits. We need your help. We need your suggestions on the new poster-boy for term limits. Could it be Henry Gonzalez, the current Chairman of the House Banking Committee and chief stonewaller of the Whitewater coveru--er, investigation? Or Ted Kennedy, who had been in the Senate too long the day he stepped into the Capitol? How about someone new, like Marjorie Margolis Mezvinski, who has only been there one term, but lied to her constituents and voted for the Clinton Tax Bill? Tell us what you think. There are so many options to choose from. It's a Crime! "No, I can't rob someone to pay for drugs tonight. I have to play basketball." According to the Congresslibs, that is the cry you will soon hear across the country as new basketball courts are built in high-crime areas for midnight basketball leagues. These leagues are designed to give disadvantaged youths (and remember, in Maxine Waters' world, that means anyone under the age of 30) a place to go and something to do in the middle of the night, so they won't be out shooting people and getting into gang fights. Of course, no one would consider that these kids would be home, in bed, asleep after finishing their homework if their parents gave a flip about their children's future. But we all know that they don't. So, to keep these kids occupied, we have decided to spend millions building basketball courts. Has anybody considered what happens when they get tired of playing basketball? What happens when they get older and we have let them spend all of their time playing a game? Will they be good, honest, productive members of society? Or will they just be adults with a bad attitude, no morals, and no future. But hey, they will have a really good hook shot. Rather than burn our tax dollars on slabs of asphalt that will only give these kids a clearer shot at each other during a fight, (For those of you who are not sports fans, there is nothing to duck behind if you are in a gunfight on a basketball court.) why don't we keep the money on the local level, where we can develop programs to let these kids get some education, and maybe even a future, rather than showing them where the three-point line is. Late reports from the vast Spiff satellite intelligence network show that McDonald's is planning a new Michael Jordan ad. "Over the warehouse, bounced off the magic bus, between the 30-year-old youths, past the $100,000 cop, off the crack dealer, nothing but net." Quote of the weak: "Public education is the cornerstone of democracy." Betsy Walkup Quote of the strong: "The U.N. was never meant to be a substitute for the Constitution." Jeane Kirkpatrick Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.