Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 29 ...One small step... Bring Out Your Dead! Do you know why Republicans don't run for political office in Chicago? Because, as everyone knows, five out of four Chicagoans vote for Democrats. Welcome to Nashville, the Chicago of the South. For those of you who don't live in Tennessee, bear with us for a moment. You may not know that our county government is under the control of partisan and corrupt people. A former voter registrar sort of "lost" voter registration slips during the 1992 elections. But that was not enough to get her fired. She was axed only after it was revealed that she had given Democrats access to the absentee ballot boxes during that same election. Following the scandal, new leadership was brought in and promptly set about the process of keeping things just the way they were. In case you missed it, (and the Davidson County Election Commission hopes you did) we now learn that voter registration cards were mailed to 10,000 people who are not allowed to vote here because of some technicality, like not living in the county or not living at all. The people at the registrar's office, most of whom are alive, said that a mistake was made. The buck hasn't stopped yet, but, using the second-most-predictable excuse available, Registrar Michael McDonald, blamed the computer. Why he didn't blame Ronald Reagan, The President, we are not sure. If we ignore the thousands of dollars wasted on mailing cards to the dead, the mistake is no big deal, we are told. Fraud is not likely, because voter registration cards aren't used to determine voter eligibility. Then why do we spend even more thousands of dollars to print and mail the cards at all? So people will know where to vote? It would probably be too much to suggest that people could learn such tidbits of knowledge by reading a newspaper or watching television. After all, some people can't afford a newspaper or television, right? How we can expect such people to make informed voting decisions is fodder for another article altogether. Where's the ACLU in all of this? How can we deny the right to vote to someone just because he's no longer breathing? The dead have given so much to us; how can we turn our backs on them now? Washington taxes the dead, but they can't vote. Isn't this taxation without representation? We demand civil rights for the dead! The political landscape of this country could be changed forever (well, except in Chicago) now that Motor Voter has been extended to the coroner's office. Voting rights cannot be denied on the basis of race, color, sex, age, or degree of decomposition. Boy Scouts throughout America will spend Memorial Day placing voter registration cards on tombstones. Helpful poll bearers will be waiting at the Forest Lawn Precinct to help voters from their hearses to the coffin-access ramps, as provided by the ARA (Americans with Rigormortis Act). We are also concerned that the dead may not be up on all of the issues in this election, since they did not know until recently that they would be voting. To solve this problem, Metro government will fly down, with no increase in taxes, (yeah, right) Dionne Warwick, Jackie Stallone, and LaToya Jackson. Their psychic friends will contact any loved ones you have in the great beyond and tell them how to vote. Please don't forget to vote this week. The ballot you cancel out may be Andrew Jackson's. Health Scare By now, you are familiar with the "Harry and Louise" television advertisements that insurance companies are running to (rightly) warn Americans about the dangers of the Clinton Comprehensive Care Plan (CCCP). In those ads, you see a stable, married couple understandably concerned about the impacts of socialized medicine on their happy home life. Since they began airing, the ads have come under heavy attack by President Clinton, Bill, Owl, Donna Shalalala, Robert B. Riechhh, and Joycelyn Elders, who believes that every propaganda ad should be a planned, wanted propaganda ad. Fortunately for us, the insurance companies have had the advantage of superior firepower in terms of money to buy television time to tell the truth. As fall and the November elections approach, desperate flailing about by the Clintons and their evil minions can begin to be seen. Recently, the Democratic National Committee produced and released two advertising campaigns in response to "Harry and Louise." The first group attacked Republicans directly for "playing politics" with the health care debate. The second was a direct response to the insurance company ads. In this pathetic plea for government-run health care, Harry and Louise have been in a dreadful accident, and have no insurance. Louise whines at Harry for having lost his job, and their benefits. We at Spiff took notice of the tone of these ads because they follow the same playbook used ad nauseam by President Clinton and Bill in the 1992 campaign. Remember the worst economy in 50 years? How about the incredible shrinking ozone layer? And, of course, the doom we all face if the free market continues to provide health care in stead of their loving, caring government. Well, now we see it again when you contrast the Clinton ad with that of the insurance companies. In their ad you see average middle class Americans (You know, the ones who were supposed to get the tax cut?) sitting around the kitchen table, playing basketball, or in their car. The Clinton ad makes a joke of two people, who have been injured, lying in a bed arguing over no insurance and lost jobs (probably due to the fact that their employer had to cut positions to keep up with the cost of paying for government insurance.). This shrill whining is yet another example of what separates us from them. Rather than deal with the issue, they would prefer to scare the pants (no pun intended to Bill or Ted Kennedy) off of the people in order to get them to willingly turn an important part of their lives over to (shudder) President Clinton. MùAùSùH* Foreign Policy It wasn't enough that we pinned our hopes on easing tensions with North Korea upon Jimmy Carter, the worst foreign policy president America has seen until now. But when the Korean dictator Kim Il Sun died, only two American presidents sent condolences to a government that has held its people in bondage for nearly forty years. Can you guess which two presidents they were? We thought you could. Unfortunately, one of them is the current White House occupant. Yes, those two presidents were Carter and Clinton. (We don't know if Bill did.) Did you see The President send a message? How about President Bush or President Ford? No, because they understood that there is a certain moral plane that leaders of countries must occupy before they can earn the respect of free nations. Kim Il Sun did not. Clinton follows in the foottrips of Jimmy Carter, who never understood that basic fact. Our government sent its sympathy for a man who had starved his own people to build a huge military. A military that is now arrayed against South Korea. This is why we get into situations like Haiti, Bosnia, and Somalia. Our military is not weak; our leaders are. *Misguided, assailable, stupid, and hopeless Quote of the weak: "Despite the best efforts of Republicans to drive a stake throught the heart of health care, it hasn't happened." Eleanor Clift Quote of the strong: "Separation of church and state did not mean separation of God from society." Arianna Huffington Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.