Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 28 Take my senator. Please! Truth Daffuhzit Daffuhzit Jim kicked off his failed re-election bid last week with a press conference at the State Capitol. Never one to shy away from evil, your Spiff editors placed a spy in the surprisingly small crowd to bring you the story of Jim's political revelation. Every cliche about liberals unfolded before the spy's eyes. Unattractive people (no, they were just plain ugly) mingled about on the capitol steps. Women ran around with National Organization for (Liberal) Women and "I'm Pro-Choice and I Vote" buttons. Ponytails and polyester were easy to find. They were basically the dregs of society. But, we digress. After the invocation, in which God and Jim Sasser were thanked, three testimonials were given by people from across Tennessee for whom the "Jim Sasser is my senator" campaign has procured government money. Finally, Jim took the podium. Jim has discovered that his president is unpopular and his party's ideas stink. So, what is his re-election strategy? Jim is now apparently changing parties because he stressed things that in 18 long, horrible years, he has never touched on (except to oppose). Read some of his comments (with some of ours) and judge for yourself. "I have fought for opportunity for small business and for better jobs and better wages. And I've done this always remembering that every taxpayer dollar is precious." Do we really need to give a response to this? The first thing that comes to mind are wild fits of laughter. Jim told us that "I fought against the abuse of power." Uh-huh. Jim used the example of catching the wife of the attorney general of a "previous administration" in a government limo for personal use as an example of his diligence. He didn't mention what he thought of Clinton officials using a government helicopter for golf trips or towels stolen from an aircraft carrier by Clinton people. "Yes, I've served on the Senate Budget Committee and I've combed the books, I've pinched the pennies for three terms." The only pinched pennies are the ones that Jim, President Clinton, Bill, and Owl Gore have ripped from our pockets. "Yes, yes, we asked for a modest contribution from the wealthiest two percent in this country. People making over $150,000 a year, who could afford to make a modest contribution to reducing this daffuhzit." No, no, they are not contributions Jim, they are taxes--and you have never met one that you didn't like. You didn't ask, you told, and there's nothing modest about them. Jim told us what he believes we want to believe he believes. "I believe in a lean government that's quick enough to stay out of the way of people who are making things happen, but agile enough to get behind a new idea. I've led the fight against waste and bureaucratic bloat and official insensitivity because I know that good government can mean so much the people who really need help." We at Spiff know what Jim really believes. Allow us to interpret: Jim doesn't care if government is good or bad, he stills believes in its ability and right to control our lives. Having laid out (run from?) his record as a senator, Jim then set out to show us that he may vote with Ted Kennedy 88% of the time, but he really does think that people should be free to live without government interference. He votes constantly to expand government, increase regulation, and raise taxes. But he doesn't mean it. "[Government] can't deliver us from making our own hard choices many times. In the final analysis, government can't raise children. We simply must recapture the values and principles that gave each of us a sense of personal responsibility and personal worth." But only if it means that he can have more tax money when we get some personal worth. "Finally, I think each one of us as a Tennessean has got to recommit ourselves. Each one of us, everyday, to the principles of hard work, of discipline, of a tough compassion, that's been what's made this country what is was [until Jim took office]. I believe in a people and a government that can do all of that." Disgusting, isn't it? As bad as all of this sounds, it does prove a point. These people are not dumb. They know that Americans don't want the things that Jim and his cohorts propose, so they have to lie about the things they believe. You can see it in Jim's television ads. He claims he supports voluntary school prayer, when he just voted against it this year. It's all a lie. It was interesting to watch the faces of Jim and other libs like Governor Ned Ray McWherter, Senator Harlan (I am not a political crony) Mathews, and Democrat Chairmanwomanperson Jane Eskind. This was a beleaguered group. With President Clinton and Bill on the ropes, Don Sundquist poised to crush whatever gubernatorial candidate they put forward, Jim Cooper's health care plan sinking almost as fast as the Clinton Comprehensive Care Plan (CCCP), and Jim facing his most serious challenge since 1976, they are truly terrified. They should be. We are happy to report it to you. It's the Children-Economy-Children-Economy Stupid We love to catch President Clinton and Bill in fits of hypocrisy. Believe us, it's not hard to do. About a month ago, President Clinton spoke to a group of women about her socialized health care plan. She nearly broke down in tears as she wondered aloud why the "opponents of health care" (Oh, yeah, we at Spiff are violently opposed to health care. Would you please go out and get sick so we can oppose your recovery.) are opposing her plan when the lives of our children are at stake in this debate. According to President Clinton, our children are--bar-none, hands-down, how could you even ask--the most important thing in this debate. Last week, President Clinton spoke to the Economic Club of Washington and told that group of hard-core businessmen that if the "opponents of health care" (Yeah, that's us again.) have their way, she will never be able to take over the health care system and get the daffuhzit under control. According to President Clinton, the economy is--bar-none, hands-down, how could you even ask--the most important thing in this debate. Now, we could point out President Clinton's obvious chauvinistic tendencies. She didn't mind bawling in front of a bunch of women, but would not have dared do the same in a room full of businessmen. How sexist! But we prefer to focus on the hypocritical aspects of the two speeches. How can the most important issue in the debate be two different things in front of two different groups? Could it be that they are not completely honest with either? According to Bill, "[Previous Republican presidents] were very skilled at saying one thing and doing another, and I'm not very good at that. It embarrasses me." It should. Quote of the incredibly, unspeakably, hopelessly weak: "When we think in terms of what has happened to prayer in America, we thank God and we thank Senator Sasser." Rev. Chestina Archibald, Fisk Chaplain Quote of the strong: "Bill Clinton's plan is socialized medicine, and as God is my witness, I'm going to kill it." Phil Gramm Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.