Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 27 Bill Clinton does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly. Owl on the Prowl It has been a while since we discussed the comings and goings of Vice-president Owl Gore. So what has Owl been doing while interest rates rise, the dollar falls and President Clinton and Bill have been whining about their harsh treatment by us right wing takeover-type nuts. Well, in a fit of stupidity, one of your gracious and benevolent Spiff editors was watching public television the other night when who should appear on our screen but our esteemed vice- president. Owl was starring in an advertisement for a children's program that was, for this week, concentrating on the environment. His push to save us all this week was to tell children to plant a tree and save the very air that we breathe. Why? Because trees will slow the destruction of the Ozone Layer and stave off the threat of global annihilation through the "greenhouse effect." To demonstrate his point to the terrified children watching this particular program, Owl showed us a computer model revealing the impending devastation to the polar ice caps and a map showing the southern half of Florida under water. (Which, of course, will be farther for Haitian refugees to swim--due to President Clinton and Bill's racist policies) As the ice caps melted away and Florida vanished, there appeared at the bottom of the screen a small, almost used-car-fine-print-sized disclaimer that read "Three to five centuries." Once again, we see the shameless way in which the administration lies and distorts to achieve its liberal agenda. It is pathetic to see Owl attempt to manipulate children with terrifying graphics and very little truth. Let us remind you once again of the hypocrisy of our leaders in Washington. This is the same fellow who allows a chemical dump to exist on his family farm. This is the same fellow who's father got rich* by owning shares in a mining company and this is the same fellow who restored the Vice-presidential porch with virgin wood. So Owl must be trying to rid himself of guilt by planting a tree to replace the ones knocked down by his father's mining operation or killed by the dump on his farm or sliced up to make the porch he sits and whittles on every evening. How did Owl end the spot? By telling the cameraman that he would only sign an autograph if it was on recycled paper. Oh, please. *The first time. He got rich the second time on his Congressional pension. Prince of Lies We have once again discovered evidence of just how shallow Bill Clinton is. What was the key line of the 1992 campaign? What was the one phrase President Clinton and Bill rode to victory and convince 43% of us how much they cared? "I feel your pain." In another fit of stupidity, we here at the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson Tennessee, had the television on during 60 Minutes (Yes, we know CBS is Rather biased, but there was nothing else on.) On this particular evening, a re-broadcast of an interview originally done with Barbra Streisand in 1991 was the selection. During the interview, they were showing scenes from Babs' latest film project, The Prince of Tides. To demonstrate the parallels between Babs' personal life and the movie, they kept cutting scenes from the movie into the interview. As we built toward a crescendo of emotion, the producers ran the pivotal moment in the entire movie when Babs convinced Nick Nolte to let his feelings out and cry as hard as he could. As he began to cry, she said the most important words ever spoken: "I feel your pain." Yes, folks, there you have it. Our country was thrown into this mess by four words lifted (or given) from a Barbra Streisand flick. Now, we know that Bill and Babs run along the same ideological track (Or is it a treadmill?) but this is ridiculous. The guy is so shallow, he based his entire campaign on a plagiarized line from our nation's bleeding heart. Wouldn't it have been better to re-elect President Bush and send her to Britain? (with Andre of course.) A Spiff Contest! Unless you've been living in a hole in the ground, like the one in Downtown Nashville, you are aware of Arenagate--the scandal concerning Nashville's new Land Phil Dome. Questions need to be asked: Did Bredesen lie to the council? Is he so unaware of basic economic principles that he thought land prices get put on hold when the city wants to buy? How many seats does Phil have in his office? Can the public address system just keep playing the National Anthem throughout the Nashville Phantoms games, so no one will try to sit down? Did he forget to carry the three? Will the Land Phil Dome have lights? How many Phils does it take to screw bulbs into the arena light fixtures? That's it! That's the question we want answered. Now it's your job. Let us know how many mayors who want to be governor it takes to screw in a lightbulb. Entries will be judged using sophisticated electronic equipment that we keep here in Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee. Some of the things the amazing machine takes into account are originality, accuracy, spelling, and how much milk comes out of our noses. All entries must be received by fax before the end of the contest. All WTLB subscribers (and anyone who receives a second-hand copy) are eligible. Please include your name and fax number. Winning entries will become the property of Spiff and will be published in Words to Live By. Losing entries will become the property of, well, the landphil. That's Entertainment! Please notice. There is no mention in this issue of WTLB of that man who's accused of that crime in that city in that state on that coast being tried in that courtroom by that lawyer and that judge after being chased down that freeway in that car by that police force (and that mob of cameramen). We make no judgments whether or not that man, who used to play that sport, killed that girl (no, not the wife of that whining talk show host) in front of that darned cat. That's that! Sally Struthers' New Cause "As I walk through wastelands of despair like this, I can see the need for your help. For only 37 million cents per day, you can help people like little Billy here get the food and medicine they need today to help them grow big and strong enough to take over your lives. Won't you please send your contribution to the Clinton Defense Fund today? Just phone 1-800-DIE-PAULA." Quote of the weak: "I'm going to be far more aggressive because the American people are entitled to know what's going on good in this country." Bill Clinton Quote of the strong: "It took Carter four years to figure out nobody liked him. Clinton's figured it out in a year and a half." Rush Limbaugh Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.