Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 24 Obviously, the obvious isn't obvious to everyone. There Ain't No Place Like a Hole in the Ground, a Hole in the Ground, a Hole in the Ground This is what happens when you let a mayor who is running for governor after only two years in office after having run for office twice before and losing both times sell you on a dumb idea and raise your taxes to do it. Well, that sentence can only apply to one man: Nashville mayor and gubernatorial hopeless Phil Bredesen. (Who else could have pulled such a Boner?) While Bredesen was conveniently out of town on a fishing trip last week, it was revealed that his dream project, the as-yet-to-be-named arena, (although the "Land Phil Dome" suddenly leaps to mind) would not cost the $100 million Phil said it would when he hit us with a property tax increase to pay for an arena with no team. Now we discover that we can have an arena for $100 million, but it will have no concessions, no lights, no seats, and no scoreboard. (which is advantageous, because there will be no team to keep score on). So for our higher taxes, we will get a building to which we can go to watch no team play and keep no score. We will have to stand while we watch no team play and keep no score because the seats cost extra (although the Clinton Administration may soon declare that we have a right to a seat and begin a socialized chair program to cover the 37 _ er, 84 _ er, 61 _ million Americans who have no place to sit.) And if we want to go to the arena and keep no score on no team with no chairs, we will have to BYO everything, because there will be no way to cook your FDA-approved, well done food or cool your drinks. If you want all of these luxurious extras in your new arena, it will cost $117 to $140 million. Wasn't it nice of Bredesen to fill us in on the details before getting the Metro Council to approve building our new showplace? Now, imagine if this kind of good government moves into the Governor's Mansion. What wonders could Phil work with TennCare, our little socialized medicine corner of the world? Just imagine Phil's sure and steady hand on Tennessee's highway funds: "Oh, I'm sorry, didn't you know that the lines on the road were extra?" Or perhaps on our education dollars: "Do you want a teacher with that?" It's good to know that there will be a Republican in the Governor's Mansion next January. Northward From Virginia Events in Virginia demand Spiff comment. Oliver North is the Republican nominee for the Senate in Virginia. He won it. That's it. A look at the current alternative, Chuck Robb, is all it takes to know who this publication is supporting in the 1994 Virginia Senate election. The problem we have is not with the future senator; it is with the current Republican senator from that state. John Warner, for those of you who don't know, is a flaming moderate who, we believe for the first time in his life, has got excited about a Senate race other than his own. The problem is that he got excited in the wrong way. John Warner, he of the "big tent" philosophy, believes that everyone is welcome in the big tent except conservatives. Now that North has won the nomination, Warner says that he will support an independent candidate, and may even leave the party to run as an independent himself when his term is up in two years. To Mr. Warner's threats to leave the party, we at Spiff can only say, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!" and "Miller in '96!" These are the same people who say that people like _ well, like us are the ones who make the problems and split the parties. But, every time they don't get their way, the big tent folds faster than the last night at Ringling Brothers. It is time for Warner, and people like him _ who are afraid to talk issues or have a belief _ to wake up and smell the future. Soon people will not define themselves as Democrats and Republicans. They will be Conservatives and Liberals. You can see this trend in Democrat Southern Senators who know that they have more conservative constituencies and vote accordingly. (Or they are like Daffuhzit Jim and just lie about it.) When the time comes to choose their side of the road, people like Warner, who want to stay in the middle, may just get run over. Oxford Blues How prefect is this? After traveling around Europe, visiting battlefields, honoring the dead, and humiliating the nation just by being there for the Normandy anniversary, Bill had to blow it by visiting his old stomping (inhaling?) ground at Oxford University. After his touching walk alone (with his aides) on Omaha Beach and his replanting of a fallen flag (that his aides knocked over to get a good photo op) on the grave of an American soldier in Italy, Bill was on a bit of a roll. He got through the events with only a few comments about his illustrious military career, and President Clinton had managed not to insult the women of Europe the way she did the women of America during her 1992 campaign. Bill worked very hard to pull this one off. You are probably aware that Bill called tutors into the White House for a two-day cram session on the history of D-Day. For 48 long hours, Bill slaved away with his tutors, learning where France is and scribbling into his crib notes that the Allies were the good guys. Bill learned of the hardships of the day. Why, the evil Nazis wouldn't even put a McDonald's in Paris when they occupied France! While he was studying history, he should have tried some geography so he wouldn't call Omaha and Utah "proud names from America's Heartland." Once he had watched his assigned number of Hogan's Heroes reruns, Bill headed out on one of the 30 planes that the White House ordered to take 1,000 Clinton cronies over the Atlantic (catered, of course) and to the ceremonies. So, everything was moving along as well as could be expected. Until... Oxford! Bill expected to be welcomed by his fellow Rhodes Scholars (although some of them will probably graduate) and brothers in liberal thought. But, a funny thing happened on the way to school. Bill arrived and the ceremony was impressive, but outside the hallowed halls of Oxford were protesters. That's right, Bill Clinton _ King of the War Protesters, Emperor of Evasion, Highness of Hippiedom, and Prince of Pot _ got protested at Oxford. Oh, the cruel irony. Bill was met with throngs of students upset with one or another of his policies, including Bosnia, abortion, and meeting with the new Prime Minister of Italy. We at Spiff thoroughly enjoyed the scene as angry mobs of young people shouted insults and chants at Bill. Apparently, just as it was during Bill's time, the students at Oxford have long breaks between classes _ so they can protest against visiting world figures or side with communist dictatorships against the United States. We don't know if any of the protesters took the midnight train to Moscow after Bill left, but if they want to get a good education in the supremacy of the state in action, they should go west _ to Washington, instead of east _ to Moscow. In any case, Bill survived his trip home and has returned to once again take up the task of screwing up our lives by taking them over. But we at Spiff are here to defend your freedoms until our last breath (or until you run out of fax paper). You can count on us to continue to protest President Clinton and Bill. Some of us understand why those people died on the shores of France. Quote of the weak: "We are going to push through health care regardless of the views of the American people." Jay Rockefeller Quote of the strong: "What great cause would have been fought and won under the banner 'I stand for consensus.'?" Margaret Thatcher Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.