Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 20 The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. Ecclesiastes 10:2 Etc., Etc., Etc. If you ever wondered why it is so bad to have a liberal activist president, wonder no more. The intrusion by these people into our daily lives is stunning in its breadth. Just in the past few months they have taken bold and courageous steps to save humanity from itself. First, they told food packaging companies to redesign their nutrition labels, presumably because we are too stupid to read and understand the old ones. They even ordered grocers to place labels on meat that basically say, "Hey stupid! Cook this meat before you eat it!" Don't you feel safer knowing that there will always be a reminder there to tell you to cook that hamburger. Next, they told us that the vitamins that many people have been using for years are no good. They were duped into believing that those nasty little pills were good for them by evil vitamin companies. Ha! Once the government decided that they were bad they also decided that we no longer needed vitamin stores. Did they ask the store owners? No. Did they ask the customers? No. Only when the people complained, did the government back down. The next target of President Clinton and Bill's minions was your hated, vile, evil, nasty, bigoted, homophobic lawn mower! The EPA went to the Government Office of Stupid and Unprovable Statistics (GOSUS) for reasons to attack your lawn mower. You know that office. It is the same one that tells us we have 37, no 58, no it is 37 million uninsured people and let Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders know that one-third of many homeless are chiiildren. (What is one-third of many?) The GOSUS informed EPA busybodies that one hour of pushing your lawn mower around the yard is equivalent to 63 hours of car driving time, in terms of the amount of pollution you suck in during that time. So, what's the solution? Why more regulations, of course. From now on, the government will regulate the construction of lawn mower and weed-eater parts to make sure that they are safe for us to use. If we weren't so dumb, maybe it wouldn't be needed. As it is, we should thank the government for saving us from our weed-eaters. So, what's next? Money. No, they don't want to abolish money_yet. That will come later. For now they just want to chaaange it. The money that was good enough for every president from Hoover to Bush is not good enough for President Clinton and Bill. They have ordered the Treasury Department to draw up examples of how our money will look after it has been chaaanged. Have these people no change_er, shame? Mr. Clinton, You're No Tom Jefferson Bill Clinton and the libs celebrated their annual Jefferson Day dinner last month. This is appropriate, of course, because Thomas Jefferson is the founder of their party. Just ask them. Bill Clinton is the obvious heir to all of Jefferson's great qualities. This is because, of course, William Jefferson Blythe Clinton was named after Jefferson. (So was Davis, but you don't hear many libs praising the Confederate president the way they praise President Clinton's husband.) The similarities between Thomas Jefferson and Bill Clinton (and his party) are astounding. In the spirit of the Lincoln-Kennedy and Beatles-New Kids on the Block comparisons, here are a few examples: ù Jefferson opposed the Constitution. Democrats oppose the Constitution. ù Jefferson believed the Constitution gave the central government too much power. Democrats believe the Constitution gives the central government unlimited power. ù Jefferson wrote "We hold these truths to be self-evident." Bill believes it should be self-evident that what he says is the truth. ù Jefferson owned slaves. Democrats turned millions into slaves of the welfare state. ù Jefferson loved a beautiful woman. Bill loved a beautiful woman until his wife and the press found out. ù Jefferson has a memorial. Bill can't remember. ù Jefferson has another memorial in St. Louis shaped like an arch. Bill has memorials all over the country shaped like two arches, with the inscription, "Billions and billions served." ù Jefferson wore a wig. Bill wore Sally Perdue's underwear. ù Jefferson was the third president. President Clinton is a third-rate president. If it moves.... President Clinton and Bill are missing a golden opportunity. We no longer raise taxes just to pull more of the people's money into the government. We raise taxes now to eliminate behavior that the liberals find unsuitable. We no longer only tell people the dangers of smoking. Now we just tax the tobacco they smoke to the point of absurdity. We at Spiff believe that we should apply this philosophy to everything. In the previous article, we mentioned the destruction that lawn mowers have wrought upon the land. The government solution is more regulation. But wait! What if we taxed lawn mowers so heavily that no one could afford them? They pollute the air anyway, making them a public health threat. That would solve the problem. We should just let our yards grow out of control. But wait! If we did that, then the pollen count would rise, causing a public health threat. The solution should be to tax each family per blade of grass in their yard and use the money to provide government subsidies for each family to buy a cow to eat the grass. President Clinton could provide the cows at $100,000 per head. That would solve the problem. But wait! When a cow eats grass it, to put it tastefully, creates a gas that escapes from the other end of the cow. This cow gas contains methane, a known destroyer of the ozone layer. If we allow subsidies to buy cows to eat the grass that causes pollen that we couldn't mow because of the pollution from our lawn mowers, we would be depleting the ozone layer and Vice President Owl Gore would molt in despair. The solution should be to tax the cows that we buy so the government can create an apparatus that would attach to the back of the cow to collect the cow gas. But wait! What do we do with the cow gas that each family will collect from their cow as it keeps their yard trimmed and the pollen count down. Why we need to tax families based on pounds of gas collected. This is especially good because rich people who profited unfairly in the 80s have larger yards, more grass, and will have more cow gas to tax. But this problem will also require a government-run plan to set up cow gas collection collectives. You will take your cow gas to your designated cow gas collection center for disposal. If you decide to go to someone from outside your cow gas collection collective, they can be jailed or fined. All prices for the disposal of your cow gas will be set by the National Cow Gas Collection Board which will be run by Joycelyn Elders and Donna Shalalala, who will answer to President Clinton. There you have it. The simple and efficient way Spiff will recommend that you keep your yard neat and trim while making sure that the environment is safe and everyone has yard security that can never be taken away. For the 37 million Americans who currently have difficulties with their yard, this is the only answer. Now don't you feel silly pushing that lawn mower around on Saturday? Quote of the weak: "The awful truth is, I'd like to take credit for much of our foreign policy." National Security Advisor Anthony Lake Quote of the strong: "Our children do not belong to Joycelyn Elders." Pat Buchanan Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.