Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 11 The truth can hurt, but lies can kill you. The First Annual Spiffy Awards 'Tis the season for award shows, and we at Spiff always try to follow the crowd and never make waves, so we will hand out a few awards as well. There is one small difference with our award presentation. Since we have no connection with the liberal Hollywood elitists, we will have no piling on of jokes about Republican presidents. The only jokes here will be about liberal Hollywood elitists and their friends. So without further adieu, live from the Spiff Executive Plaza Pavilion, the first annual Spiffy Awards.  Actress in a comedy: The nominees are Janet Reno, "Independent Prosecutor Blues"; Carol Mosely Braun, "Out of South Africa with My Campaign Funds"; and Donna Shalala, "My Sister the Troll." And the winner is...Janet Reno!  Actor in a Comedy: David Gergen, "Return to the Rose Garden"; Warren Christopher, "Dracula '93"; and Janet Reno, "Beach Blanket Waco." And the winner is...Janet Reno!  Supporting actor: Owl Gore, "Trees Are Our Friends"; James Carville, "It Came from Another Planet"; and Michael Kinsley, "Revenge of the Nerds VII." And the winner is...Owl Gore. He deserved it for going on television to explain all of Bill's goofs.  Supporting actress: Barbra Streisand, "Funny Idiot"; Linda Bloodworth Thomason, "Designing Crises"; and Connie Chung, "CBS News." And the winner is...Connie Chung, for trying to make us like Dan Rather Biased in those stupid CBS News ads.  Actor in a drama: George Mitchell, "The Unnatural"; Tom Folly, "Please Don't Take My Job"; and Bill Clinton, "What's Truth Got to Do with It?" And the winner is...Bill Clinton.  Actress in a drama: There can be only one nominee here, folks. And the winner is...President H.R. Clinton, "The Vince Foster Story." The following awards were handed out earlier this evening before our telecast began:  Original song: Fleetwood Mac, "Don't Stop Thinking about '96."  Best costume: Joycelyn Elders, wearing the only "military" uniform allowed in the White House.  Hair of the year: George Stephanopoulos  Screenplay adapted from a work of fiction: Leon Panetta, "Fiscal Year 1994 Budget."  Sound effects: Jan Poole, as Nashville's Clinton Mouthpiece  Visual effects: Clinton staffers stealing Rush Limbaugh's camera  Work of unoriginal fiction: Eleanor Clift, for anything she says.  Finally, we come to the final award of the evening, The Ronald Reagan Lifetime Achievement Award. And the winner is...Ronald Reagan! (Are you surprised?) Attention, Local Liberal Newspapers! Last week, Your Congressman Bob Clement called for and got hearings on the shameless waste of ratepayer money in the Tennessee Valley Authority system. Bob, as a former TVA board member, was very upset at the debt burden that TVA currently carries, due to borrowing money in the past to pay for spending on nuclear construction facilities that were never completed. As is usually the case, the morning Tennessean and the Nashville Banner (or as we at Spiff refer to it, The Evening Tennessean) fawned all over Bob, breaking down in hysterical fits over what a wonder job he is doing as Your Congressman. Meanwhile, 200 miles away, the Knoxville News-Sentinel did an unusual and courageous thing. They actually went back and checked Bob's records. Bob was a member of the TVA board for only 1.8 years, from 1979 to 1981. During that time, the Knoxville paper found that he voted seven times to approve bond issues or loans totaling $3.1 billion. In addition, Your Congressman Bob Clement voted for the highest interest rates on those loans of any TVA board member since 1959, and in 63 opportunities, he never once voted against more spending at the nuclear plants. Into this fray stepped John Osborne, average working guy and candidate for Bob's $130,000-a-year lifetime job. Osborne immediately released a statement criticizing Bob for voting for all the debt he is now complaining about, pointing out that this is the same old garbage that Bob and his Capitol buddies engage in all the time. (Since we are powerful members of the print media, his office was gracious enough to send a copy of the release over to the Plaza.) What do you suppose the Tennessean and the Banner did with that statement? Would you like a moment to think about it? That's right. They completely, totally, and utterly ignored it. For those of you who receive WTLB and don't live in Tennessee, you should know that our local newspapers are more interested in when a candidate registered to vote than they are in whether or not our elected officials are ripping off the public and then spending more money to hold hearings to grab a few headlines from a willing press. So, in light of the irresponsible actions of the Tennessean and the Banner, we at Spiff issue a very public challenge. We know you get this newsletter. (We know because we send it to you.) We challenge you, in your paper or ours, to defend your record on covering these political issues. We will keep our readers informed of how long it takes you to respond, if ever. Charge! The media counter-offensive on the Whitewater S&L corruption, land fraud, illegal campaign funding, shredding, suicide (?) scheme has begun. After the initial airing of facts last week, the medialibs developed their ever-present guilty conscience when it comes to defending President Clinton and Bill. We here at the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee, knew what was coming when we saw medialib Bruce Morton of CNN (Clinton News Network) launch the counter-offensive with his "are we in the press being too hard on the Clintons?" piece. This was promptly followed by James Wooten, ABC medialib, pleading with us to believe that Vincent Foster really did kill himself. He did. Believe us, he really did! Following in quick succession was medialib Eric Enberg screaming "Time out!" during a CBS News "Reality Check" (Did you ever think you'd ever see "CBS" and "reality" together?) and the new host of "Washington Week" asking if this is all "a little overblown." Spiff commends the medialibs for their tenacity in defense of their hero, but they may be too late. Too many things have come out already. First there were no photographs of Foster's body, now there are. Administration officials did not rifle through his office, now we know they did. First there was no suicide note, now there is, but it was torn into 28 pieces and the piece with his signature remains at large. (Did you ever try to tear a piece of paper into 28 pieces? Go ahead. Try it.) Come on! Some of this stuff approaches "the dog ate my homework" status. Mark your calendar and set your VCR for March 24. On that day, Republicans plan to call Whitewater witnesses before a scheduled banking committee hearing. If any of the witnesses show up, this should be fun! Quote of the weak: "Her moral compass is as strong as anybody's in this country." Bill Clinton Quote of the strong: "I'm too old to be offended." Richard M. Nixon, after being shunned by Boris Yeltzen Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.