Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 10 84% of statistics are made up. The other 32% are wrong. Planned, Wanted, and Bad Last Wednesday, Vanderbilt University played host to our nation's illustrious Surgeon General and other dignitaries, such as Byron Trauger, chief aide to the conservative (snicker) Democrat front runner for governor. After Dr. Elders concluded her speech and the television cameras were packed away, Mr. Trauger proudly paid tribute to her fine work on behalf of Phil Bredesen. Always on the watch, whenever one of these Clintonites slips into town, Spiff had a reporter at the event. Believe us, sitting through an entire hour of this woman was going far above the call of duty. We could sit in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee and use our vast communications network. But then, how could we bring you the whole story? Without further adieu, our report on Joycelyn Elders...The Voice of Evil! Dr. Elders made many...well, uh...interesting points in her speech. According to the good doctor, black men are becoming extinct and too many chiiildren are hugless. On the good side, we are back down to the 39 million uninsured that we had before Bill told us it was 54 million in February. Dr. Elders also told us that the current health care system is racist, and, of course, we are in a crisis! We have a violence crisis because chiiildren are hopeless and guns are bad. We need more confrontation classes to teach our chiiildren how to make love, not war. We have to start now because chiiildren know half of everything they will ever know by age four. All of you fools who kept learning past the age of eight really got duped. On the always-touchy subject of religion, Dr. Elders told us that churches need to stop moralizing from the pulpit and get involved in the community. They may not have condoms in church, but they can still get help. According to Elders, 40% of our young people have tried drugs, 1/3 of them regularly. The worst of these is, of course, tobacco. Abuse of chiiildren is bad (except when it's caused by the use of legal drugs) and she does not like the "just say no" campaign, even though drug use among chiiildren dropped during the 80s and Education Department studies show that it has begun rising again in the past year. When asked to justify bashing tobacco companies while "studying" the legalization of marijuana, Dr. Elders said "I don't know of any marijuana-related deaths." We here at Spiff can report the death of a few brain cells in the Surgeon General. Dr. Elders said that 57% of chiiildren born in America are unplanned and unwanted. (The other 43% voted for Clinton, right?) The question should be how many of those unplanned chiiildren are wanted when they arrive. We would wager that it's a lot more than 57%. The Surgeon General wants to spend $200 million on condom programs and can't understand why we are arguing over such a small amount of money. It's not the money; it's the moral. She said that 80% of poverty is the fault of unplanned, unwanted chiiildren. As is 90% of prison overcrowding. So the next time you drive by a school, make sure you berate those kids for all the trouble they've caused. We need more "comprehensive health education" (condoms) and school-based clinics (a place to hand out the condoms). Dr. Elders also took the time to clear something up for us. The reports of faulty condoms that she handed out in Arkansas were lies, but she is very proud of the chiiildren who brought the condoms to the school nurse and reported them to be defective. (Eeechhhhh!) Thirty-six times in her hour-long remarks, Dr. Elders threw out statistics with absolutely no reference to where she got them. Following in the long-standing Clinton tradition, she referred to everything as a crisis. As we have pointed out many times in these pages, when this crowd starts rambling of crises, they always forget the real crisis: the lack of moral leadership. There can be no doubt that Dr. Elders thinks her policies are right. She just does not understand the impact that President Clinton's, Bill's, and her policies have on our lives. Pooor Geooorge! It looks as though George Mitchell doesn't want to be a Senator any more, and the medialibs are praising his glorious and illustrious career. So are his fellow Democrats in the Senate. So are some of the Republicans in the Senate. Teddy Kennedy called him "the third Senator from Massachusetts." From what we at Spiff have seen and from our friends from Maine, that seems to be about right. The most appropriate remark, however, came from President Clinton (through Bill, of course). "America is very deeply in his debt." Several billion dollars in debt, thank you very much Senator Mitchell. The rush is now on for the Democrats to replace him. Who will it be? Who will be the next Senate Majority Leader? Will it be Breaux? Leahy? Rockefeller? No. How about Daffuhzit Jim? That would mean that the two most powerful men in the Senate would be from Tennessee. No, actually it would mean that the two most powerful men in the Senate are liberals from Washington. No, if all works as it should, the next Senate Majority Leader will be Bob Dole. What's next for Sen. Mitchell? He said that he will devote the rest of the term to passing whatever is left of the Clinton Comprehensive Care Plan. We would all be better off if he would pass something to the right of the CCCP, but what can we expect? After he leaves the Senate he will be confronted with the fact that his huge Congressional pension is hardly enough to live on, especially since the lobbyists won't be around to buy all of his food, clothing, tennis balls, and fact-finding missions to Bora Bora. He's going to have to get a real job. What are his job options? If he is a good boy and passes President Clinton's health scare plan, she may instruct Bill to appoint him to the Supreme Court, eliminating the need for Mitchell to get that real job and increasing his federal pension even more. The next option is even scarier. The rumors are that George Mitchell could be, yes that's right, the next commissioner of Major League Baseball. So much for James Earl Jones' idea of baseball being the one constant in America. Let's look at a few of the possible changes in the great American game as it becomes Socialized Baseball: ù Three strikes and you're out: Well, Sen. Mitchell opposed that idea, so Commissioner Mitchell will rule that the umpire should have more discretion in his call. Five strikes and an inning of community service for you, Mr. Bonilla. ù The designated hitter: If you so choose and cannot afford one, a designated hitter will be provided without charge. ù Home runs: Some players were not born with the ability to hit a home run. For them, the fences will be pulled in so everyone can hit one out of the park. This may make the game rather silly, but at least it's fair. ù Team names: Many of the names will have to be changed. He'll start with the Braves, because it's a bad thing to be brave. Next will be the Indians, Pirates, Yankees, and Giants, because these teams are obviously making fun of their mascots. The same goes for the Blue Jays, Orioles, and other animals. The Cardinals must go to accommodate separation of church and state. Actually, the only names that will be allowed are the Astros and the Rockies. Maybe the Reds. ù Scoring: No. Winning isn't fair. Quote of the weak: "One third of many homeless are chiiildren." Joycelyn Elders Quote of the strong: "I think there is a clear distinction growing between Elvis and the president's health care plan, and the distinction is that Elvis may be out there alive somewhere." Senator Phil Gramm Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.