Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 8 EIEIO ... And on this Budget He Had some Pigs... Sensing the slight aroma of reality in the Washington air last week, President Clinton and Bill dispatched their loyal minions to Capitol Hill (oink) in a daring attempt to shoot down the proposed balanced budget amendment to the Constitution. One by one the Clintonites appeared before the Senate Appropriations Committee, the committee that controls the federal cash flow and is the domain of Pork Baron Robert Byrd of West Virginia. One by one they told us how horrible it would be to have to actually operate under a balanced budget. Imagine the horror! By far the most compelling argument against fiscal sanity was made by Health and Human Servitude Secretary Donna Shalala. Mizz Shalala told the (oink) committee that if a balanced budget amendment were to be added to the Constitution, the Clinton Comprehensive Care Plan (CCCP) could not be implemented. (Well, hey! Let's get that amendment in there right now!) Mizz Shalala also told the pork kings that she would not want to be the HHS secretary who had to make a 24% cut in her agency's budget (We here at Spiff would be happy to help find a new secretary.) and that the cuts would end needed government programs. (Such has her happy dancing condom ads, no doubt.) Mizz Shalala said she believes that she just could not be irresponsible and operate under a balanced budget. Why do we need this amendment? Open your phone book to the government section (oink) sometime. In just the metro, state, and federal government sections, you will find 2,612 separate offices and agencies. Do we really need 2,612 offices to run the government? Among the gems you will find in the government listings are the Patient Qualification Review Board Office (We thought the Health Scare plan hadn't been approved yet.) and the Level IV Grievance Center Office. We at Spiff have at least 10 level IV grievances per day. To defend us from... uh... well to defend us, we have the Tennessee Defense Force, including the 568th Pers Srv Co. (?) You should go to bed every night, safe in the knowledge that the Tennessee Defense Force, including the 568th Pers Srv Co. and at least other 567 Pers Srv Cos. are protecting us from the invading hoards from Mississippi. (Oink) Further into the listings, you will find the Tennessee Advisory Commission on Intergovernmental Relations. Anything with a name this long should immediately be abolished. Why do we need the amendment? Drive down West End Avenue to one of the most expensive pieces of office (oink) in Nashville. There you will find the office suites of Senator Harlan (I am not a political crony!) Mathews. Rather than use available offices in the federal courthouse, Sen. Mathews shells out your tax dollars in plush West End suites. We (oink) at Spiff don't (oink) know where anybody (oink) ever got the idea that there is (oink) too much pork in government (oink). Every Resolution a Planned, Wanted Resolution Joycelyn Elders brought her Travelling Medicine Show to Tennessee last week, and the Tennessee General Assembly actually welcomed her in an appropriate manner. It didn't. Thanks to Sen. Keith Jordan and others, a silly resolution honor Dr. Condom was defeated by the state Senate. The Evening Tennessean wrote that the resolution was 3«-page biography to be presented to her when she arrived in Memphis. Does Owl Gore know about this incredible waste of paper? Do the taxpayers know about this incredible waste of their money? Was she going to receive an expensive plaque? What was the plaque going to be made of? Marble? Latex? Joycelyn Elders doesn't need a biography from the residents of the state of Tennessee. We at Spiff think she knows who she is. Spiff Comments on Tonya Harding, Michael Jackson, Michael Jordan, the Bobbits, and the Menendez Brothers Who cares? Us 7, Them 0 As Republican candidates slammed defeat after devastating defeat on the libs throughout 1993, it became clear that the people aren't too thrilled with the chaaange they got in 1992. In a feeble attempt to stop the bleeding, Ronnie Earle, a lib prosecutor in Texas, brought criminal ethics charges against newly elected Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison. Dumb move, Ronnie. Even with the charges hanging over her, Sen. Hutchison maintained the popularity that began with her 3-to-1 landslide in the May special election. What resulted was the shortest political show trial in history. When the judge refused to admit the flimsy "evidence" that Mr. Earle had scraped together, Ronnie picked up his charges and went home. The judge then ordered an immediate acquittal of Sen. Hutchison on all charges. On the Sunday following her acquittal, Mrs. Hutchison walked into her church and was met with a standing ovation. Mr. Earle should not have bothered with this case. If he was interested in good, juicy ethics violations, he should have moved one state over and checked into the adventures of Hillary, Bill, and Vince in Little Rock. Republicans have won all six major elections since President Clinton and Bill took office. After this verdict it looks like Us 7, Them 0. Quote of the weak: "That would come through NATO ...I mean the U.N." Warren Christopher, explaining who is in charge of American planes in Viet Nam ...I mean Bosnia Quote of the strong: "Nay." Tennessee legislators who voted against honoring Joycelyn Elders and her "admirable achievements" Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.