Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 2 What happens when you wind up the Hillary doll? It winds up the Bill doll. Now that you have had your fill of synopses of 1993, we at Spiff thought we should get a head start on next year. Without further hesitation, we bring you: 1994: A Look Back January: Record low temperatures plagued the United States. Environmental experts attributed the chill to global warming. Owl Gore explained, "A high of 24 may not seem warm, but if it continues for four years, that's 96 degrees, which is pretty darn warm if you ask me." February: Four Arkansas women shocked the nation when they admitted that they were offered jobs in Washington in exchange for arranging "speed traps" between state troopers and President Clinton. March: Dick Vitale annoyed millions. April: Thanks to the tax increases promoted by President Clinton and Bill, small-business closings increased by 77 percent and personal bankruptcies were up by 37 percent. "This is going to put a strain on the welfare system. We're going to have to raise taxes again." Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders announced that she had been misquoted. She actually said, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people," "We need to do away with those who would sell drugs to our chiiildren," and "Every chiiild deserves a chance to be born." April Fool! May: Hundreds of high-school valedictorians defied their school administrators' instructions and prayed at their graduations. There were no injuries. Soon after that, the ACLU declared valedictorians unconstitutional. "All they do anyway is promote competition, which violates the 'more perfect union' clause," an anonymous ACLU lawyer said. June: Justice Harry Blackmun, when he heard that the ACLU had declared valedictorians unconstitutional, realized that there was nothing left for him to do, so he resigned. President Clinton immediately nominated herself. July: In Los Angeles, 47 people were killed in riots at the World Cup soccer finals when the made-for-television halftime show, "Welcome to L.A.," got a little bit too realistic. Rep. Joseph Kennedy introduced an emergency bill to provide foreign aid to visiting countries who might have been offended by the inferior display of soccer rioting. Rep. Maxine Waters tacked on a rider to give 30-year-old East Los Angeles youths $100 a week. Rep. Charles Schumer added an amendment to increase Congressional salaries by 27%, because they had to work so hard to pass this bill. August: After he delayed the elections for one month, Russian president Boris Yeltzen narrowly defeated left-wing challenger Vladimir Zhirinovsky. Nine people were killed when rioters in Washington expressed their rage. Congress responded by increasing farm subsidies and Congressional pensions. September: God instructed the trumpet section to start warming up. October: In a rare, closed-door vote, Congress defeated the Clinton Comprehensive Care Plan, which was introduced to both houses with amendments disallowed. Hillary Clinton, whose Supreme Court nomination was rejected by the Senate in August, nevertheless declared Congress unconstitutional, citing the 11th amendment. Feminists praised her decision as "bold" and "innovative." "Only the most brilliant woperson in herstory could have such vision," said Rep. Pat Schroeder. November: Republicans won 21 of the 34 Senate races, regaining the Senate for the first time since the '80s. They also made gains in the House, taking 32 seats from the Democrats. God instructed the trumpeters to hold off for a while. December: The national media finally got around to printing their 1994 year-end pieces. Don't Bet on Reno When she came to Washington, (and don't forget, she was President Clinton and Bill's first choice as Attorney General) Janet Reno told us that she was not here to play politics, and if she could not be independent and do her job the way she thought best, she would leave. Oh, my side! My, how times change. In her first test of political independence, Mizz Reno has decided to stonewall the Congress and the public on the Clinton S&L corruption, land fraud, illegal campaign funding scheme. You are aware of her refusal to appoint a special prosecutor in the case. She is also going along with White House assertions that the files that were secretly removed from White House Counsel Vincent Foster's office after his death must be "cataloged." This "cataloging" will only take two or three weeks. Mizz Reno also assisted in a Clinton scheme to have the Justice Department take the files, so they can not be disclosed to the public. Under this scheme, anyone who discloses any information in the files will face federal prosecution. Isn't that ironic? There is obviously something rotten in Little Rock (although not as much as last year at this time). The Clintons claim that they lost $69,000 in the S&L corruption, land fraud, illegal campaign funding scheme, but they never reported the loss as tax deduction to the IRS. Uh-huh. It is apparent that Mizz Reno checked her independence at the door when she walked into the Department of Justice. She still has time to appoint an independent prosecutor and save her reputation. She shouldn't worry about the reputation of President Clinton and Bill. Those are already gone. In a related development, unnamed White House sources (Are there any other kind?) tell Spiff that the new improved White House Travel Office will soon be offering Whitewater excursions to Arkansas for only $69,000 per person. Going to Pot You may remember the panic that ensued when Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders recommended that we legalize drugs to reduce crime. The White House floors nearly collapsed under the weight of unnamed administration officials rushing to tell the people that Dr. Elders' ideas were her own and not those of the administration. Now in a slightly less-publicized announcement, President Clinton and Bill say they want to study the idea of using marijuana for medicinal purposes, and will announce their decision by the spring (right before planting season). Once again we are witness to the zig-zag, unsure nature of this president and her husband. They are constantly caught between what is right and what they want to do. In the What They Want to Do department, Health and Human Servitude Secretary Donna Shalala recently unveiled her latest attempt at cultural decay, ads with little happy jumping condoms, telling kids that promiscuity is all right_just use a condom. In that vein, Mizz Shalala would probably agree with the following: ù Getting shot is all right_just don't bleed. ù Jumping out of a plane is all right_just don't hit the ground. ù Working in politics is all right_just don't work for liberals. ù Being a liberal is all right_just don't use common sense. ù Speaking your mind is all right_just don't be politically incorrect. ù Doing drugs is all right_just don't get high. ù Lying about taxes, women, drafts, S&Ls, and inhaling is all right_just don't get caught. These bookends of moral strength, Shalala and Elders, are currently dictating the health policy in America. Where is President Clinton in all of this? Well, she is not dictating health policy; she's just socializing the health system, to which we will have to go for cures to the health policy. Quote of the weak: "Every morning the President begins the day asking what happened overnight." Bill Clinton Quote of the strong: "The biggest chasm in the city of Los Angeles is not the La Brea tar pits. It is the swamp of moral relativism." Gerald Parshall Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.