Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 1 Where is our daffuhzit reduction trust fund? WTLB, Back on the Air You thought you were rid of us, didn't you? Sorry, lefty, but we are still here, and ready to begin a new year of speaking out on issues great and small. The issues are many, and Spiff is here to bring it all to you, completely biased, politically incorrect, and proud of it. You may be wondering what happened with the Hot Somalis. Well, they forced their way into our offices and drove everybody out. Fortunately, Catherine Darnell wasn't in the office at the time (as if she ever would). The Somalis' manners would have made her faint. The Hot Somalis were in the process of burning down the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over still beautiful (if slightly singed) Donelson, Tennessee when the Arkansas National Guard arrived and pelted them with pork rinds. (Fortunately for us, the National Guard is exempt from the Ziffel Bill's five-day waiting period on pork rinds.) A huge battle ensued until the White House called and offered the Somalis free plane fare back to Mogadishu with a stop at Disney World. Knowing that President Clinton and Bill had been gracious enough to give the Warlord Mohammed Farrah Fawcett Aidid a ride to the peace conference in Ethiopia, they took the deal and were last seen lifting off from Orlando after a torturous ride through "It's a Small World." (All together now! It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small, small world. Now you will have that song going through your head all day. See why it drove them out of the country?) Now, since we resist all forms of bureaucracy, Spiff has already begun construction on a new Executive Plaza. We are pleased to unveil the artist's rendering of the plans. Spiff is back. We are stronger than ever, and we stand ready, with our conservative brothers, to fight the evil deeds of liberals everywhere. We thank you for the unexpectedly strong support in 1993 and look forward to an exciting 1994. With President Clinton and Bill in Washington, we will never run out of things to talk about. The Left Doesn't Know What the Right Is Doing (As If the Left Knows What the Left Is Doing) The rise of Vladimir Zhirinovsky's (Try running that through your spell checker!) Liberal Democrat Party () in the recent Russian elections has sent a chill throughout the world. In watching the medialibs' coverage of the elections, we here at Spiff noticed a trend. The networks continue to call the Liberal Democrat Party the "far right wingers." Let's think about this for a minute. If you are a communist, and you believe in the supremacy of the state, does not history dictate that you are on the political left? If you are a hard-line communist, doesn't this put you further to the left? Shouldn't you, therefore, be called a "far left winger"? We apologize to you medialibs for injecting logical thinking into the debate. But, this is yet another example of the liberal slant of the press. For those of you who are confused about all of this, Spiff will provide you with a handy-dandy political scale at the end of this article to clip out and carry with you. When you use this, you will always know where you stand. Of course, the rise of an extremist left-wing nut, who wants us to return Alaska, wants to bomb Germany and Japan, thinks that Finland is part of Russia, wants white supremacists to unite to rid Russia and America of black people, and other changes, comes just as our commander in cheat and her husband have declared the world to be safe and have begun gutting our military. In his short, bumbling, and downright dumb tenure as Defense Secretary, Les Aspin did only one right thing, and it cost him his job. Aspin said "no" to the extra $50 billion in cuts ordered by that wizard of cooked budget numbers, Leon Panetta. Perhaps, (and probably too late) Les realized that the demoralizing way in which this administration has treated our military is nothing short of criminal. Rather than believe it, President Clinton and Bill fired him. Make no mistake, for his failings in the job, Les should have already been put out to pasture. It is ironic, though, that the one time he stood up for the integrity of our armed forces, he got canned. Of course, none of this was planned. They just happened to have a replacement the next day. My, doesn't that Clinton White House work fast! It's just a good thing that they didn't nominate Zoe or Kimba to be Defense Secretary (or did they?) All right, as promised, here is you Spiff Handy-Dandy Guide to the Worldwide Geopolitical Scale, with ideological indicators and examples of recent political figures: Ideological markers: A. Liberal Republican: Might as well be a Democrat B. Conservative: The right thing to be C. Robert Novak D. Conservative Democrat: Wants to be a Republican, but lives in the South E. Liberal: Why, why, why? F. Communist: 'Nuff said. Examples: 1. Ronald Reagan, The President 2. Margaret Thatcher, The Prime Minister 3. Rush Limbaugh, The Radio Host 4. Spiff, The Publication 5. Pat Buchanan, The television commentator 6. George Bush 7. Senator Sam Nunn 8. Bill 9. President Clinton 10. Robert B. Reichhh 11. Donna Shalala, Barbra Streisand 12. Russian Liberal Democrat Party ?. Ross Perot and Libertarians. No one knows where these people belong. Quote of the weak: "There was so much horror, so much personal risk_so little evidence that the coverage was helping to prompt action to stop the war." Charles Lane, who seems to believe that journalism is a secondary function of journalists in Bosnia. Quote of the strong: "The trouble with President and Mrs. Clinton [sic] can be captured in three words: They love government." Mona Charen Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.