Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 1, No. 19 Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. A Visit from St. Slick 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even Bill's spouse. The silk stockings were hung by the chimney by Cher in hope that St. Slickolas soon would be there. The Congress was nestled, all smug in their beds while visions of sugarcane subsidies went to their heads. Ma in her slippers and I in my socks had just settled down with Mr. H&R Block when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter I called Helen Thomas to see what was the matter. She said, "Look out the window. He must be insane! He can't do anything. It's going down the drain!" The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave a luster of midday to Little Rock below. And what did I see through the wintertime fog but a miniature sleigh pulled by eight P.C. hogs. With a little old driver so liberal and quick I knew in a moment that it must be St. Slick. They looked like America, his cabinet they came. He lied and he promised, and called them by name. "On Elders! On Babbit! On DeeDee and Aspin! On Owl and on Tipper, Shalala and Gergen! To the top of the Capitol and down to the Mall, now tax away, tax away, tax away all!" So up to the trailer top the promises they flew, with a sleigh full of pork and St. Slickolas too. The noise on my roof from all the hog hocks was like an Arkansas Buick, a car up on blocks. As I hid my wallet and was turning around, down the chimney St. Slickolas_SPLAT!_hit the ground. He was dressed all in fake, animal-sensitive fur from his head to his foot and his clothes were all stuffed full of tax forms and loot. A bundle of pork he had flung on his back and he looked like a Democrat just opening his PAC. His eyes how they twinkled with some evil powers His cheeks were like roses, or some other Flowers. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow as he bit on his lip, because our pain he doth know. The stump of a heavily taxed cigar he held tight in his teeth and the smoke of lies circled his head like a wreath. He had a round face and little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl of McJelly. He was chubby and plump; you might say he was fat. He inhaled when he saw me, and he lied about that. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had something to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work. He took all the stockings and turned, the big jerk. He lay his thumb aside of his nose and with all my cash, up the chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a clap and away they all flew, to hit the next poor sap. But I heard him exclaim, ere he drive out of sight: "I'll be back next year, if you play your cards right!" Hot Somalis If you are a long-time reader of WTLB, (and if you aren't, why not?) you know that we have been a little critical of President Clinton and Bill's policy (snicker, snicker) in Somalia. During this year we have witnessed the barbarism of a people who, in return for our generosity, have repeatedly attacked our troops. Spiff is continually shocked that President Clinton and Bill refuse to recognize how low these people are, going so far as to give the Warlord a get-out-of-jail-free card and a trip to a recent peace conference. But, we will continue to point out the evil deeds of Mohammed Farrah Fawcett Aidid and his followers. You have heard us call several times for the complete withdrawal of American troops from the region. It is important to keep our soldiers in mind during the Christmas season. They should be at home with their families, not looking behind their backs for another ambush from a bunch of ungrateful heathens. We really don't understand why President Clinton and Bil...What is that noise? Oh No! We have received reports that a ticked-off band of Hot Somalis is approaching the Spiff Executive Plaza! They're trashing beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee! Reports are pouring into the Plaza...They just blew up Captain D's on Lebanon Pike. Wait a minute...We understand that Bill has just called out the Arkansas National Guard to defend Donelson, but it doesn't seem that they will get here in time. The Hot Somalis are now attacking the Piggly Wiggly and abusing the little merry-go-round horses at K-Mart! Oh, the humanity! The American Legion Post is dragging its helicopter on a trailer across Elm Hill Pike to slow their approach. Spiff will stay here as long as we can to give you a first-hand account of the carnage! It's getting more difficult to see through the smoke from all of the burning Pintos and pick-ups, but we think they are within a few hundred yards of us. EEEK! There goes the cellular tower...Our communications are out! It's sheer panic here in the Plaza! Our staff of thousands is rushing up here to the penthouse suites and barricading the offices. We can hear the Hot Somalis pounding on the front doors of the plaza...They're almost inside! Our security guard at the front desk reports that they have broken through the doors...We don't know how long we can hold out, but no matter what happens we will stay with you as long as we can. What's that!? They're just outside the door! This may be it friends. Thank you for your loyalty and don't forget us. Oh no! Who are you!? What do you want!? No! Don't touch that!!! Spif... Quote of the weak: "I've noticed a distinct trend. Every time I vote, we win." Owl Gore Quote of the strong: "Christmas is not a holiday. It's a holy day." Rush Limbaugh Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.