Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 1, No. 14 ...and she took the turkey with her. Before We Eat.... This time of year, we take a moment to reflect on our lives and remember the things that make us happy and the things for which we are thankful. We here at Spiff are taking a moment to think about all of our blessings: We are thankful: ù that we know whom to thank ù that we are not Democrats ù that Pat Schroeder does not represent us in Congress. ù that Bob Clement doesn't either, much ù that Jan Poole is not a national talk show host ù that we will have a Republican governor soon ù for Pat Buchanan ù that we were alive during the era of The President ù that Bill Clinton is a Democrat ù that a serious Democrat, like Sam Nunn, didn't win ù that Margaret Thatcher has a new book out ù for Rush ù that our evil, white, European ancestors had the intelligence to come here and exploit this country ù for Tina Turner ù for Steve Taylor ù that Tina and Steve have not yet released an album together ù that Ted Kennedy seems to have stayed sober this year. ù that we have only three years of this foolishness left ù that Your Congressman Bob Clement's lifetime job will last only one more year ù to have a cabinet that looks like America (if we're all rich lawyers) ù that every chiiild is a plaaanned, wanted chiiild ù that Owl and Tipper Gore have their new, virgin wood closets at the V.P.'s residence ù that President Clinton has stopped wearing those stupid headbands ù for our families ù for good friends ù for you, the loyal followers of Spiff Children's Depants ...er... Defense Fund? There's good news for all you fans of kiddie porn. Janet Waco Reno has decided to make available to you, at no extra cost, even more smut than you can find on your local street corner now. (Oh, wait. This is Spiff. Our readers don't mess with kiddie porn.) The Justice Department is not only refusing to prosecute a whole class of obscenity cases, but it's asking the Supreme Court to rule against the U.S. in such a case. Is this what Owl means by redefining? President Clinton and Bill have not said anything about policy. Why is this, especially since she has worked so closely with the Children's Depants Fund? It's probably because they are too busy saving us from the real enemy, the insurance companies. The Senate unanimously condemned this policy, and 130 House members sent a letter addressed to "The Honorable Janet Reno" (That's a joke, right?) calling upon her to abandon her position. The letter was signed by only two Representatives from Tennessee, James Duncan and Don Sundquist. Your Congressman Bob Clement and Bart Gordon did not want to have anything to do with it. There was a time when 438 House members, including some extras from Chicago, would have signed the letter. Many things were different then. Crime was down; taxes were down. Now, instead, pants are down. It seems we have fallen and can't get up. What would The President have done? Well, Maybe Next Year It has come to our attention here at Spiff that the United Nations, led by Secretary General Boutros Boutros (no, still no relation....) is considering forming a committee to consider lifting the $25,000 bounty for the Somali warlord, Mohammed Farrah Fawcett Aidid. We here at Spiff were distressed to hear this news, because we were in the process of putting together a travel package to Somalia for a vacation and warlord safari. Our travel agency, Carol Moseying Braun Travel, had promised to use the $25,000 to pay for all of our expenses (as long as we contribute to her as-yet-unretired campaign debt). For our money, we would have had three days and six nights at the lovely Mogadishu Hyatt Slum-West, free bullet-proof vests, and additional armor if Les Aspin says it's ok. We also would have had all meals included (if we eat only rice or P.C. MREs) and a free tour of Farrah Fawcett Aidid's headquarters and press room, conducted by his assistants-Sabrina, Kelly, and Bosley. Spiff is terribly sorry that the trip fell through, but don't worry; we still have plenty of opportunity to visit the troops. After all, President Clinton and Bill have promised that the troops would be gone by March 31, 199?. I'll Take Door #2, Monty! Well, NAFTA has passed. Whether you were for or against the proposal, you had to be disgusted by the deal-making that President Clinton and Bill engaged in to seal the pact. We were repeatedly subjected to congressmen appearing on talk shows talking about how "anguished" they were over the vote. You could almost see the message in their greedy little eyes, "Hey, White House, give me something and you'll get my vote." Spiff is appalled. We haven't seen this much pork flying around since those nasty straw and stick house-blowing incidents of a few years back. Of course this administration was more than ready to play "Let's Make a Deal." They doled out more than $7 billion in oink money to get the votes, as if our government wasn't already drowning in red oink. Locally, we had the pleasure of watching Bart Gordon and Your Congressman Bob Clement "agonize" over the vote until they got their goodies. We know that Your Congressman Bob Clement was bought off with the new London route, adding to our negative impression of Bob. Of course, Your Congressman Bob Clement goofed when he went to the Wizard of Oz(ark) for his goodies. He should have asked for a brain, or maybe some courage. We know he didn't need a heart; he is, after all, a lib. Bart Gordon is a different story. We have yet to discover what he was paid to change his position one day before the vote. Spiff demands that Bart come clean with his price. We do know that he jumped when Owl Gore pulled his strings. Spiff hopes that he got more for his district than orders from Owl. This dealing, however, comes as no surprise to Spiff. This is the same morally bankrupt crowd that is about to cut a deal to cancel our military exercises in South Korea in exchange for promises that the North Koreans will let inspectors into their nuclear facilities, a promise they have already made under the terms of the Nuclear Non-proliferation Treaty. At the moment that we should show strength to the Communist North, we plan to cancel a vital exercise to gain nothing. The commander of U.S. forces in Korea referred to the policy as "criminal." Bill and Owl love to make deals; shouldn't they try to make one that actually benefits us? Quote of the weak: "What comes to mind when you say the word Thanksgiving? Food!" Jan Poole Quote of the strong: "Amen!" Millions of Americans, after giving thanks this Thursday Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.