Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 1, No. 13 Happy Veterans' Day, Bill. A Ross Loss Isn't That Redundant? If last week's (Why are you interrupting me?) NAFTA debate between Owl Gore and the Yellow Ross of Texas had been held in Las Vegas, they would have called it, "The Tree vs. The Twit" or "The War of the Bores." But we must limit our commentary to what actually happened...nothing! This was (May I finish?) the single largest waste of time since the original Carter administration. Let us, however, attempt to struggle through some commentary. Give us your whole minds, please. Owl has discovered that America is strong! He says (Larry, am I going to answer his question or yours?) that we have the workers and economy to compete and win in foreign countries. Wow! Is this the same man who last year called this the worst economy in 50 years, and that, "everything that should be dowuhn is uuhhpp"? Owl says that we cannot expect all countries to do everything we want before we trade with them. Really? Aren't these the same people who blasted President Bush's China trade policy then followed it to the letter? (Now, now, you're lyin' there. You're lyin'!) Now we find that Bill is considering lifting the trade sanctions imposed on China for illegal arms shipments after only three months. How did we go from a $5.7 billion trade daffuhzit with Mexico in 1987 to a $5.4 billion trade surplus in 1992? Weren't those years part of the failed economic policies of the last 12 years? We have comments about the Yellow Ross of Texas, but Spiff, being the sensitive and socially aware people that we are, has trouble commenting on someone who is obviously emotionally challenged. (Now wait a minute Larry. That dawg won't hunt!) One quick point, though: it was obvious that the plan was to discredit Perot personally. This was a pretty dumb (Well, there you go. You got one right.) idea. Bill's unfavorable rating with Perot voters is already 68%. Why tick off his supporters when you were elected with only 43% of the vote yourself? (You own the country!) Uncle Ross did make a few good points. He did take note of the crisis mentality of this administration. (It's like the crazy aint in the basement!) Any time they want to win a vote or a debate, they start claiming that we have an economic, environment, gun, wage, every chiild a planned and wanted chiild, daffuhzit, drug, race, health care, insurance, crime, sex, and television violence crisis. He also took note of the fact that President Clinton and Bill are buying off every congressman they can get their McFry-grease-covered hands on with pork projects. (Would you know the truth if it was right in front of you?) Was there a winner? No. A loser? Those of us who watched, or who believe that debates can actually do some good in the political arena. Thank God they didn't keep score on a 10-point-must system. What about the other debates? What!? There were other debates!? Of course. You would have found out about them, too, if they had been overpromoted by Jane and Ted's Excellent Adventure Network. There were also Phil Gramm vs. Dick Gephardt, Pat Buchanan vs. Robert B. Reichhhhh-a, Lincoln vs. Douglas, and Satanic vs. Rushdie. The only clear winner in all of this was Buchanan, who represents the anti-NAFTA side. He scored a first-round knockout of Reichhhhh-a, who represents the Lollypop Guild. The most surprising event of the night is that, after the debate was over, there just happened to be (Larry, what are the rules here?) an undecided Congressman lurking at the Capitol at 10:40. Rep. Jim Bacchus (We'd mention something here about the voice of Mr. Magoo, but we're sure he's heard that one before.) just couldn't make up his mind. That changed after the big debate, though. Within 30 minutes of being swayed by the beautiful and eloquent arguments of Owl Gore, Rep. Bacchus called his friends, alerted the media, hired Vanna (A six-year-old would know what I'm talkin' about.) White to turn letters, and had a televised press conference to let us all know that he has seen the light. Philler Up Sensing the coming doom for their less-than-exciting slate of gubernatorial candidates, (the word "snore" comes to mind.) Gov. Ned "Boss Hogg" McWherter and Jim "Daffuhzit" Sasser have apparently talked Nashville Mayor and Yankee transplant Phil Bredesen into running for governor. This comes as no shock to Spiff, because like Bill Clinton, Owl Gore, and Your Congressman Bob Clement, Phil promised not to run because of his responsibilities to his state, district, city, family, etc. While nothing has been confirmed, the possibility of a Bredesen candidacy creates all kinds of fun possibilities. Bell Morris will no longer be able to limit his campaign help to the Shelby County jail. He may have to go to the state prison for more workers. Poor old Jane Eskind will have to sit out yet another race. Will Jane ever get a return on the millions she keeps pumping into lib campaigns? As for the million other libs looking at the race, sorry, guys. Spiff welcomes Phil to the race, and we welcome the opportunity to help crush (in a completely nonpartisan way, of course) his campaign. The Don Dinner Thursday night, October 11, Tennessee Republicans held a unity dinner for gubernatorial candidate Don Sundquist. Spiff used its ever-growing influence to get a reporter into the dinner and bring you, our loyal readers, the whole story. After dinner, Congressman Jimmy Quillen and Howard Baker shed some light on what it will take to win in 1994. Congressman Quillen lit up the room with his remarks about Sundquist and welcomed prominent Republicans from across the state. Mr. Sundquist took a strong stand on any potential state income tax, (Thank you, Don.) vowing to veto any income tax when he becomes governor. Mr. Sundquist also pledged to reform Tennessee's legal system, promising swift and just punishment for those convicted of crimes, and the protection of their victims. (Sorry, Martha Craig Cissy Daughtrey.) When governor, Mr. Sundquist plans to make Tennessee "bright with promise, a Tennessee with the most opportunities, the fewest mandates, the least restrictions...The Tennessee of our dreams." Following Catherine Darnell's example, we won't tell you what else happened; we will just list names of people who were there: Jim Burnett (undeclared Congressional candidate), Avon Williams III, Beth H. Harwell, Mark Winslow, Susie Alcorn, James Peach, Frank Abernathy, Joe Rodgers, Bill Frist, John Osborne, Fred Thompson, Robin Green, David Rogers, Steve Gill, Kelly Heinrich, Tracy Frazier, Larry Kidwell, Douglas Lincoln, Andy Smith, Deke Sundquist, Bennstep Quote of the weak: "Mexico is our best trading partner...Right now they are number two...They can become one of our best." Owl Gore Quote of the strong: "Why do we need Al Gore's* forklift to carry the NAFTA treaty around Washington?" Pat Buchanan Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.