Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 1, No. 11 Morals for sale. Never used. Call Bill Clinton for details. Why Have Insurance? We're All Going to Die A thought has struck us here at the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee. As you listen to President Clinton, Bill, Owl Gore, and the rest of the cabinet that looks like America, (Have you noticed that America looks like a bunch of rich lawyers?) we are all eventually going to be struck down by one crisis or another. So, why bother with health insurance or reform? Let's look at a few of these impending catastrophes and their chief cheerleaders: ù The Health Crisis: Look around. Do you have insurance? Security? Hope? Peace of mind? A lack of dependence on government? Then the Clinton Comprehensive Care Plan (CCCP) is for you. ù The AIDS Crisis: According to Health and Human Servitude Secretary, Donna Shalala, unless we find a cure for AIDS, there won't be anyone left alive to insure (unless, of course, they start practicing some responsibility, gasp)! ù The Gun Crisis: Guns, as you know, are a disease. They infect our nation and we must have a five-day waiting period to cure the disease. By forcing a criminal to act responsibly when he buys his gun in an alley, and wait five days before he kills someone, we can save the world. (President Clinton has promised to make this her next priority, ensuring disaster for years to come.) ù The Wage Crisis: Our current Secretary in Labor, Robert B. Reichhhhhhhhhh-a, believes that our horrible, evil businesses are exploiting the worker. As you know, business exists to serve the needs of the worker and profit is not allowed. (This sounds an awful lot like Karl Marxxxxxxxxxx-a.) ù The Environment Crisis: The sky is falling! The sky is falling! V.P. Owl Gore has made this his top priority. We must save the rain forest, the ozone, the whales, the owls, the swamps, the sea, the sky, the rivers, and those gnats flying around his toxic waste dump. Between Owl's experience in ozone and Bill's in the military, we have Chicken Little and Big Chicken. ù The Racial Crisis: Maxine Waters, friend of 30-year-old teenagers, says that those of us who are melanin-impaired bear the burden of everything wrong in the Fill-In-The-Blank-American community. We do not understand the frustration that occurs when we, the melanin-impaired oppressors, exploit minorities. If we do not change our evil ways, it will be acceptable practice to pull us from our vehicles and beat us senseless. (Oh, sorry. That is already an acceptable practice.) ù The Moral Crisis: This is the heart of almost every problem we have, and it is the one true crisis they won't discuss. Almost every crisis we face can be solved with a little social and moral responsibility. From drugs to AIDS to crime, all it takes is recognition of what is right and what is wrong. Those of you who seek to explain away the deeds that you know are wrong, under the cover of "misunderstanding," "frustration," or "cultural differences" bear the burden of responsibility as much as those who do the deeds. Live with it. As you can see, we are all doomed, so why bother with health reform? Happy Anniversary to "Change" Only three years to go, Phil, Jack, Pat, Bill (not Weld), Carroll, Dick, Dan, Bob, Jeane, etc. This week marks the one-year anniversary of the Temporary Setback. The good news is that it is only three years away from November 5, 1996, the night that Dan Rather Biased will once again shed a tear. So for now, we present a black ribbon, because we care more than they do. Cut it out and enjoy! Can You Say "Prejudice"? "Judgment House," Two Rivers Baptist Church's alternative to Halloween haunted houses, ended this weekend, much to the relief of the Irreligious Left. The medialibs gave it more publicity than ever, most of it negative, of course. For some reason known only to God, (or the absence thereof) many of these negative reviews were made by people who had not even been there. ("I don't have to see it to know how bad it is," or "I was told....") However, our favorite local lib, Jan Poole herself, (after one day of light trashing) showed up at the doors of Judgment House to see what it was all about. The next day she changed her tune. If only Les "I hit the wrong button" Jameson and friends had so much courage.... WTLB Survey Please complete and fax it to us. 1. How do you prefer to dress at a riot? Casual Black tie Tie Dye Business Attire Jeans (pulled halfway up) 2. Where do you prefer to riot? Democrat Headquarters Maxine Waters' Office Jan Poole's Studio While Eating at Rio Bravo 3. What is your weapon of choice? Assault Rifle (wait five days) E.I. Brick (You must bring your own. Call 800-EAST-LA and ask for Maxine) Rodney King's Car Nerf Balls Ivory Tusks from South Africa 4. What vehicle do you prefer to destroy? Owl Gore's ozone-depleting limo Any Volvo Any car with a President Clinton, Sasser, Cooper, Mathews, Clement, Gordon, Bill Clinton, or Greenpeace bumper sticker. 5. How should those of us who get caught be penalized? Being locked in a Waco compound with Janet Reno outside Dinner with Catherine Darnell or Ruth Ann Leach Do the time (as it should be) Ten uninterrupted hours of a debate between Ross Perot and Barney Being beat about the head and neck with Larry Kidwell's chair 6. Please check your Daytimer and tell us a convenient date and time to riot: __________________________ (Be sure to pencil it in!) If you think this is silly, you're right. But it is no more ridiculous than returning a verdict based on the fear of certain groups rioting if they don't get their itty-bitty-wittle way and get angwy-poo. Quote of the weak: "No." Donna Shalala, when asked if people could decline to participate in the CCCP Quote of the strong: "I will offer a choice, not an echo." Barry Goldwater Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.