Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 1, No. 8 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Spiff has determined that the Surgeon General is hazardous to your health --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let us help you out, Bill Dozens more Americans are dead in our humanitarian (although the humanitarian part is long over) mission to Somalia, their bodies pulled through the streets as trophies, and more troops are on the way. Senator Sam Nunn was right (See Spiff principle #3, WTLB Vol. 1, No. 2.) in observing that we are expanding our missions while reducing our forces. Shouldn't we just get out altogether and stop chasing The Warlord, Mohammed Farrah Fawcett Aidid, around Mogadishu? If this is the thanks we get from the people of Somalia, then screw 'em. Let's go home and let the barbarians starve. (Does this make our position clear enough?) As many of us feared during the election, Bill was so busy protesting against our country that he didn't learn the lessons of Vietnam. Piecemeal escalations of these situations only drag us in deeper and make the problem worse. Of course, Bill's response to the Somalis' actions was to say that they better not hurt any Americans. He will not even use the word "prisoner." Shouldn't he immediately have demanded their release? There are two ways to approach a situation such as this: Do it right or get out. Since Bill does not seem to understand either, Spiff will help him out. OK, Bill, let's go step by step: * Step 1. Demand, do not ask, do not request, do not whine about the treatment of prisoners. Demand the immediate release of all Americans held by Aidid forces * Step 2. Inform the supporters of The Warlord Aidid that their failure to comply will result in the destruction of Mogadishu (as if we could tell the difference) and let them know that we have no qualms about blowing them straight back to the hell whence they came. * Step 3: Rescue our prisoners. * Step 4: Leave. * Step 5. Never again place American troops under the control of incompetent and timid U.N. officials. What would The President have done? When we are in need of wisdom for our country, there is one man to whom we can turn. During his administration, The President formulated a set of principles to guide us in the application of military force abroad: * The United States should not commit its forces to military action overseas unless the cause is vital to our national interest. * If the decision is made to commit our forces abroad, it must be done with the clear intent and support needed to win. It should not be half way or a tentative commitment, and there must be clearly defined and realistic objectives. * Before we commit our troops to combat, there must be reasonable assurance that the cause we are fighting for and the actions we will take will have the support of the American people and Congress. * Even after all these other tests are met, our troops should be committed to combat abroad only as a last resort, when no other choice is available. Reagan 4, Clinton 0. Around the world with Hill and Bill Of course, the Somalia mess is just the prelude to the fun our soldiers are going to have in the other restful and lovely vacation retreats that President Clinton, Bill, and Boutros Boutros (still no relation to Sirhan Sirhan and Zsa Zsa) plan to have our troops visit in the coming months. Nestled in the beautiful mountains and just a rocket-propelled grenade's throw from the shining Adriatic Sea, friendly and inviting Sarajevo beckons to those lucky 25,000 Americans under U.N. command. Pleasant days and nights of shelling, no electricity, no water, and the always-helpful and friendly snipers will greet our men and women in uniform. But before heading off to Bosnia, we'll make a quick stop on the sun-drenched beaches of Haiti. Yes! Sun, fun, and hurled coconuts await our troops as they sit around with no mission in yet another country that can't govern itself. You thought it would end there? Ha! Hill & Bill Travel have a special bonus surprise! A fabulous all-expense-paid (by you and me) trip to Gaza, to position our soldiers between two cultures at war with each other since the birth of dirt. Yes, sir, it's an open-ended stay in one of the most exciting places in the world. What could be more restful than lying in your bunk, wondering if a nut with a truck full of dynamite will knock on your door, a fate only slightly worse than seeing Avon Lady Molly Yard at your door. (Anybody remember Beirut?) All this is made possible exclusively by Hill & Bill Travel. Remember, to have U.S. troops visit your country, just oppress your people and call the White House at 1-800-WEPAY4IT. Robin Leach would be proud. He would also say about our foreign policy, "I don't know why!" Fry the scum! Making its first appearance in court last week was one of the disgusting pieces of bacteria that grows on pond scum who shot a teenage girl for 20 bucks at an ATM machine. Following the hearing, the disgusting bacteria's even more disgusting lawyer spoke to reporters and took great pains to make his point that his client was not the trigger man. He told us that, although his client was present at the time of the "unfortunate death," (Unfortunate death?! It's called "murder.") he did not actually do the shooting and therefore deserves leniency. Oh, please! Scum is scum, whether he pulls the trigger or drives the getaway car. With this jerk, Spiff recommends a good helping of electrically cooked scum-b-cue. You got it folks. Spiff supports the death penalty. (Aren't you surprised?) This may come as a shock (obvious pun) to some of you, but Tennessee does have a death penalty; we just have a Supreme Court that refused to use it. Maybe with the departure of Martha Craig "Cissy" (and whatever other names she is using this week) Daughtrey to a higher court, we can make some progress. Like the long-suffering people of Arkansas, the people of Tennessee must have our liberal public officials promoted out of the state to save us from them. Unfortunately, this unleashes them on the unsuspecting American public. It's a math thing President Clinton and Bill promised (snicker, snicker) that all American troops will be out of Somalia by the end of March. What does this tell us? Only one thing: our troops will not be out of Somalia by the end of March. Thank God for history. Because Bill has given us deadlines and timetables in the past, we can get an idea of what he really means. Considering such promises as a jobs bill on January 21, a budget passed within 100 days, and health care within 60 days, we have calculated that American troops will be out of Somalia on January 21, 1997. They could be out earlier, though. The same soldiers will still be there, but they will not be called American troops. They will be called U.N. troops. Isn't language fun! Quote of the weak: Quote of the strong: "The theory of fairness may be "Liar, liar, pants on fire!" summed up in a single sentence: John Sunununununu, to George Abolition of private property." Stephanopoulos Karl Marx, the funniest Marx brother Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee, at 615-883-0435.