Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. I, No. 2 Endorsed by Jan Poole...God help us! Clinton & Gore on Vacation World Safe! News Flash! This just in...President Clinton did not screw up very much last week, and neither did Bill! This is the safest that we here in the Spiff Executive Plaza towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee have felt for months. It could be because she and Vice President Owl Gore were on vacation. Our Carthage office reports that they spotted Owl (Get it? Spotted Owl?) jogging near the illegal dump on his family farm, so apparently, Owl had a nice vacation. Unfortunately, though, every time Owl Gore returns to his "home state" he locks up the interstate while he rides around in his ozone-depleting limo after flying on his ozone-depleting jet. Of course, this keeps the rest of us, who actually have to work for a living, from getting downtown. Reason enough to vote Owl, President Clinton, and even Bill out of office. Owl has come "home" twice in the span of a few months, probably more than during his entire time in the congress. Democrats Raise Dough It's Good with Pork Before retiring to Castle Carthage, (Gee, it smells like a chemical dump around here.) Owl Gore took time to raise some dough for the Dems to spend on explaining the new tax Bill during the campaign in 1994. At their shindig, (Spiff spies at the party tell us they served pigs in blankets) our favorite senator, "Daffuhzit" Jim gleefully told the excited throng that, "we put a whuppin' on them." We here at Spiff wonder if Jim meant the Senate Republicans or the taxpayers. It was very important to raise the dough for the future Democrat nominee for governor, who will most surely come from the magnificent 12 in the race. It is still 12 isn't it? Has anybody dropped out of the race in the last 10 minutes? What We Believe We at Spiff believe that character counts. So, we will give you our principles up front, and we won't change them after election day. (Bosnia? What's that? What middle-class tax cut?) We pledge the following: 1. Every principle is a planned, wanted principle. 2. Words to Live By will never be more biased than the other two major newspapers in Nashville. (How could we be?) 3. We will try to say something nice about a liberal whenever one does something right. Not correct, but right. 4. We will not be influenced by outside interests, unless they make a really great offer. 5. We promise to spell "daffuhzit" correctly. We don't know where that other spelling (deficit) came from. 6. Rush Limbaugh 7. Only one Ross Perot joke per week. 8. Spiff makes no promises, however, on jokes about President Clinton, and may even make a few about Bill. 9. Ronald Reagan, the President, will appear in each issue, to guarantee prosperity and success. 10. We're going to support conservatives. Live with it. Anatomy of an issue From the editors... After two weeks, you are saying to yourself, "How did I live without Words to Live By?" and "How do they put together such a bold and informative newspaper?" Well, we won't tell you all of our secrets, but here are some of the things to look for: 1. Words to Live By-the name says it all. 2. Our tagline under the title will change with a new, thought-provoking phrase each week. 3. Notice the brilliant artwork and timely photographs. 4. The president will move around and will be in a different, awe-inspiring presidential pose each week. (Too bad we can't find anything presidential about President Clinton and Bill.) 5. Notice that there is no cost for WTLB, but it is still worth more than the other two major newspapers in town. 6. Watch for direct responses to medialib types who really tick Spiff off. Spiff hopes that this simple guide will enhance your WTLB reading pleasure. Of course, we will continue to grow and expand, adding more features and more neat-o stuff. Don't worry, the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee has plenty of room to grow. Today Spiff introduces the editorial portion of Words to Live By. Besides liberals, we will occasionally comment on the activities of the media. (Is there a difference?) The Spiff Editorial Board will always promote strong, thoughtful opinions in our editorial section known as: They Said What?! You may have seen the pictures coming from Martha's Vineyard, where President Clinton and Bill are vacationing this week. You may have also seen the footage of the last family tooling around the island on a yacht with Jackie O. and family, including Senator Ted. Before continuing, we must tip our collective hat to President Clinton and Bill for having the courage to go anywhere near the water with Senator Ted. If you watched, you saw the national media, crying with joy on the dock as the boat pulled away. Bystanders report hearing them wailing the words, "Camelot, oh it's Camelot!" Spiff knows that it is difficult for the medialibs to pretend to be objective, but this is ridiculous even for them. The Spiff Editorial Board steps forward with a bold, and to some, a stunning declaration: He ain't Kennedy! ù John F. Kennedy believed in tax cuts to spur economic growth. ù John F. Kennedy believed in a strong national defense. ù John F. Kennedy was a war hero. How many of these sentences can you apply to Bill? Quote of the weak: Whoa, mama! Stay up! Bill Clinton, presumably to his golf ball Quote of the strong: "A fellow, James Allen, once wrote in his diary, 'Many thinking people believe that America has seen its best days.' He wrote that July 26, 1775." The President Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.