Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 4, No. 5 A vote for Bill Clinton is a vote for Chief Justice Ginsburg. NFL Yes? As Nashville's day of destiny, better known as the referendum on the Oilers' Stadium deal, draws near, we at Spiff have had a few thoughts about the whole situation. Did we think about the issues surrounding the vote? Well, yes, and on that point we will remind you that this wonderful deal is brought to you by the same folks who gave us a $100_ er, $110_ er, wait, $120 million arena with no seats, lights, or scoreboard. Be happy, for this time we know that we will have seats. That's the first thing they charged everyone for. But we come to praise the football, not to bury it. We will pass on tackling the goal of bringing football to Nashville in favor of making one suggestion, if the team should move to the home of the Spiff publishing empire. We have a name idea. And, no, we don't think they should be called the Tennessee Spiffs (and we know several people in high places who agree). No, we have come up with an idea that is timely, original, easy to spell, and will save a boatload of money for you people who insist on running out and plastering your possessions with the stickers and what not of your favorite football team. Into the great tradition of Tennessee sports, let the new name of our football team be written. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and prewopersons, we give you The Nashville Yes! Yes, the Nashville Yes! Think about it. Everybody in town now has one of these stickers on his car, so we wouldn't have to change anything. The team colors will be navy and yellow (We're sure the Rams will be thrilled.) and we can just slap those Yes! stickers on a Oiler helmet and they're ready to go. Think of the money we will save on water! Think of the possibilities. When the team takes the field, the announcer can yell, "Is it time for football?" and the crowd will yell, "Yes!" Announcer: "Did Nashville score?" Crowd: "Yes!" Yes! folks, our fair city will be all the rage. Nashville Yes! jackets will be worn as status symbols so our children can shoot each other down for them in our public schools. On Sunday, thousands of fans will run through the streets of downtown Nashville yelling, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" We can already hear the fights between Owl Gore and Bill "No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!" Clinton: "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!" Well, you get the idea. (By the way, can you imagine what's going through the mind of Owl? No, not termites. Since he's still trying to convince people that he's from Tennessee, he's going to have to support, for the only time in his life, former Oilers!) Why, Madonna could be the official spokeswoperson for the team. And every home will already have a sign, a bumper sticker, or a t-shirt. But please bear in mind, according to NOW, even if a woperson is wearing a Yes! shirt, she still means No! There you have it. Our small but significant, albeit late, contribution to our great football crusade. How you vote is your business, but when you step into your voting booth Tuesday, remember this. People got more excited over a football team than selecting the next president. And that, folks, is kind of sad. Earth Day It has come to our attention that, for the third year in a row, we at the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River forgot to participate in the nationwide celebration of Earth Day. Darn. There's a Change in Your Change It took long enough, but the Treasury Department finally sent us their official press release about the new $100 bills. (In case you've missed it, or if you haven't been paying attention to the c-notes in your pocket, they've changed your money.) Not only did the Treasury Department forget to include the free samples we requested, but the fax they sent us describing the new bills had lots of transmission errors and was hopelessly incomplete. All those problems aside, we here at the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, will do our best to let you know more about your money. What's new? Well lots of things. It may be easier to start with what's not new. It's the same size. You can confirm this yourself, if you want to. Take 10 or 15 of the old $100 bills, and 10 or 15 of the new ones. Now, take one of each, and compare sizes. You'll probably find that even if each pair is not exact, the average of 10 or 15 comparisons probably is. If you find differently, feel free to send us your samples, and we'll analyze them ourselves. We'll even mail you a copy of our results. The picture on the front is the same. Well, it's the same dead white guy, anyway. His portrait is larger on the new bill, and as is the case with everything else since the Clintons took office, it has been shifted to the left. Everything else, that is, except their rhetoric. What else isn't new? It's still made of paper, despite Section 8 of Article I of the Constitution. It still has black ink on the front and green ink on the back. We weren't told if they're using soy ink or if the paper is recycled, but the rumor is that it contains bits of recycled Whitewater documents. Also, if you tear one up into 27 pieces and try to put it back together, the signatures will be missing. The most surprising lack of change, though, even more than the presence of a dead, white guy, is the presence of our country's motto: "In God We Trust." So what is new? The ink in the lower right-hand corner is either black or green, depending upon how you look at it. This is the same technology used to create Michael Jackson, who at one time looked either black or white, depending upon how you looked at him. The treasury has improved upon this technology, making it more stable. More stable than Michael Jackson_now there's something that even the government can do. The new bills contain microprinting. The idea here is that a good printing press can produce teeny-tiny words, but a copy machine can't copy them. Apparently, neither can the Treasury Department's fax machine. We really can't read what those words are supposed to be. It looks like either, "Property of the Council on Foreign Relations" or "Wash Hands before Eating." The press release says that for the serial numbers, "An additional letter has been added so that no two bank notes of the same denomination have the same 11-character serial number." Instead, notes of the same denomination will have the same 12-character serial number. Also, does that mean that some of the old bills did share serial numbers? Gee, are they doing this with Socialist Security numbers, too? In our nation's never-ending effort to be just like all the other countries instead of being the only country evil enough not to provide free medical attention to all its citizens, the new bills contain a watermark. It's the same historical figure as the leftward-shifted portrait, making two dead white guys on each bill. Well, that's what we know about money. We hope the defective fax they sent us didn't cause us to give you any misleading information. That's the DNC's job. Duh? We get a lot of press releases from Washington. One that we got last week, though, made even less sense than usual. Once again, we'll just print what we got and let the Clinton administration make fun of itself. Office of the Press Secretary For Immediate Release April 26, 1996 Statement by Chief of Staff Leon E. Panetta The President has been very concerned about the rising price of gasoline in recent days for American motorists. In an election year it is hard to separate speeches from serious proposals. If Senator Dole is serious, as we hope he is, he should accept the President's invitation for immediate bipartisan negotiations to balance the budget, reform welfare and cut taxes. A serious negotiation would fully consider ideas from both sides. Sometimes our job is just too easy. Quote of the weak: "For the United States' children, Hillary Clinton is, and always will be, a heroine...Hillary Clinton is an essential lobbyist and advocate for the needs and rights of children and families." J. Ruth Yasi Quote of the strong: "Elizabeth Dole would be a huge improvement as 'first lady.' In fact, you wouldn't even have to use quotation marks then." Thomas Sowell Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Tower, on the banks of the mighty Cumberland River, at 615-847-2259, or you can send us e-mail at spiff@nashville.com, or find our web page at www.nashville.com/~spiff/spiff.htm