Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 2, No. 4 Vladimir Zhirinovsky. Now there's a new Democrat! Euro Dizzy President Clinton and Bill completed their landmark trip to Europe last week, after concluding many important agreements on Bosnia, Ukraine, and NATO. On Bosnia, we agreed to do nothing. The Ukraine agreed to nothing, although if you listen to Bill, they agreed to give up their nuclear missiles. If you give the agreement a closer look, you will learn that it will happen in seven years, (We will be into the fifth year of the next Republican administration by then.) but first, it must be approved by the parliament of Ukraine. This is about as likely as Jim Sasser pronouncing "daffuhzit" correctly. We are going to pay them a fortune to remove the missiles. This is what we get for winning the cold war? With our NATO partners, we agreed to threaten the Serbs yet again. So what? It is astounding that this policy is allowed to continue unchallenged by Congressional Republicans. Everyone knows that we will huff, puff, and rattle our saber (or, in Bill's case, our filet knife) and then retreat behind excuses of no help from the Europeans, with the world laughing all the while. On to Russia, and the most interesting agreement of all. Before making the homecoming pilgrimage to Moscow, President Clinton and Bill unveiled the "Partnership for Peace." We were disappointed that they abandoned the original name, "Partnership of Peace." The opportunity to abuse the acronym POP will be sorely missed. Despite this setback, we must admit, when we heard the name and purpose of this concoction, birds began singing and the flowers in the meadow began to bloom. Our hearts were filled with sunshine and love. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have the world's first hippie foreign policy. President Clinton and Bill have decided to take the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, the alliance that kept the peace for forty years and helped win the Cold War, and turn it into the Partnership for Peace. (I'd like to teach the world to sing....) And what does the Partnership for Peace bring us? Well, in Moscow, Bill announced that we are going to stage military exercises with NATO members, Poland, and Russia on Russian soil. Now, while the diplomatic impact of this is not lost on Spiff, if we practice war games with all of these countries, who are we practicing to fight? Hmmm? How much are the U.S. taxpayers forking over to teach these foreign armies our military methods? Hmmm? And, if we may continent-hop for a moment, why are we planning such exercises while recklessly slashing our military forces and considering the cancellation of more important operations on the Korean Peninsula, under threat from an aggressive and dangerous communist regime? While she was there, President Clinton got a guided tour of the hospital system of the former Soviet Union. She saw children in their hospital beds, being nursed back to health with modern 1970s-era technology. It was a preview of what she has in mind for the hospital system here in the former British Colonies. We are not really sure what was accomplished on the European trip, but given this administration's waffling and unsure foreign policy, not understanding the Clinton plan for Europe is nothing new. It can probably be summed up in the title of this article. He's Out, Man We watched. We waited, It didn't happen. When Bobby Ray Inman held his press conference to announce the withdrawal of his nomination to be Defense Secretary, we here at Spiff waited to hear someone who has worked or dealt with President Clinton and Bill to actually speak the truth. We waited for Admiral Inman (He's another in the ever-growing list of former admirals, like Crowe and Stockdale before him, to get mixed up with the politically strange. It must be all that radiation testing.) to tell us that he just could not work for those boobs in the White House. That he understood as we all do that this administration has, at best, a tenuous grasp on foreign policy and military issues. But, as is often the case with this administration, we were disappointed to find that Clinton incompetence was not the reason for Mr. Inman's withdrawal. That it was, in fact, a dark and evil conspiracy between Senator Bob Dole and New York Times columnist William Safire. Well, we are certainly relieved that the evil deeds of Republicans were exposed so we may see what they are up to for the three years remaining in President Clinton and Bill's term. Through our vast electronic spy network, Spiff has found conclusive evidence to support Admiral Inman's claim of a conspiracy. According to our sources, Senator Dole and Mr. Safire also conspired with everyone making over $200,000, the Religious Right, every scorned woman in the state of Arkansas, Zoe Baird, Kimba Wood, Lani Guinier, Cristophe, the Warlord Mohammed Farrah Fawcett Aidid, and Luke Sissyfag, who was outraged that President Clinton and Bill did not nominate him (her? (it?)) to replace Les Aspin as Defense Secretary. We are most concerned about this. Apparently every dumb thing that this administration has done in the past year can be traced back to a plot by Republicans to discredit this hard-working president. Give her a break! She's trying to do some good! She cares about people! We here at Spiff are shocked, appalled and outraged! Yes, we are outraged! This new information has helped us to see the light. We understand now why they had to lie about our taxes and kick our small businesses in the teeth. Hopefully the Republicans will see the error of their ways and support the socialized medicine program that President Clinton has created. We need it. We can't take care of ourselves. Spiff Comments The following are the only things you need to know about independent (snicker) counsel Lawrence Walsh's final report on the $47 million Iran-Contra investigation: ù Independent (snicker) counsel Lawrence Walsh could find no evidence of wrong-doing by The President or George Bush, but he knows that they lied. ù Walsh is an idiot. ù The President's policy in Nicaragua worked. ù Was this really worth $47 million? Quote of the weak: "Life is better for us [with Clinton in office]. We have more hours to enjoy things." Gerald Goree Quote of the strong: "If President Clinton and his Congress can reach back into the past and raise your taxes retroactively, your governor and your legislature can cut your taxes retroactively." New Jersey Gov. Christie Whitman Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. You can send a fax to us here in the Spiff Executive Plaza, towering over beautiful downtown Donelson, Tennessee at 615-883-0435.